There are times when life imitates satire. One happened recently when George Bush commented on his education policy, “Childrens do learn.” Way back in April during the first Democratic presidential debate, Joe Biden, a man who is not known for his brevity, answered a question with a one word answer. Students of satire wait with baited breath for those moments when Hillary Clinton is warm and funny at the same moment, the powers that be in baseball show something that represents a backbone, and Paris Hilton turns down an opportunity to be photographed.
But I have left out one of the most absurd processes known to humanity: the Iowa Caucuses.
Whether you are a romantic or a cynic, I think you have to agree that the President of the United States holds a position of considerable influence and authority.
Given it’s importance, shouldn’t the first formal step in the election process be a sane one?
Of course it should.
Is it?
Of course not. Exhibit A: the Iowa Caucuses.
Is Iowa a microcosm of America? Let’s see, Iowa is 91% white.
That doesn’t represent America.
Does it have the same urban/rural mix as the US?
No.
It its median income in the economic middle of the US?
No.
Religiously, does it represent America?
No.
In national elections, does it have a history of voting for the candidate who is elected President?
No.
There’s more bad news.
Is the process that voters go through during the Iowa caucuses similar to the one they will visit later?
No way.
During the Iowa Caucuses less than seven per cent of the Iowa voting public meet in rooms and yak for a couple hours. They make a convoluted journey through a minefield of complex rules. The sum of these idiocies leads one candidate being declared a winner.
However, there is one tremendous benefit the Iowa primary gives us. Iowa is a relatively small state. Candidates can meet and talk with Iowans in small arenas. This is a good thing.
Let’s remember a purpose of a primary is to select the candidate from a party who is most likely to win the presidential election. Therefore, it is an excellent idea to hold the first primary in a state that is a microcosm of the United States.
The benefits of the first electoral exercise are obvious. The winner gets a tremendous boost. If the candidate gets this boost from a state that is a microcosm of the US, that victory will be good for the candidate, the candidate’s party, and the country.
Missouri Gold
Right now, Missouri is the state that is most like the US. It has the same rural/urban mix as the nation. It has the same percentage of Christians, African-Americans, and union workers as the nation. It ranks twenty-seventh in median income—for those of you who are mathematically challenged, that’s one step away from being exactly in the middle. Like the US, it has two blue coasts (the areas around St. Louis and Kansas City) with a large area of red in between.
Missouri is not one of the behemoth states. Relative to some of the electoral monsters out there, it’s downright small. It is roughly ten per cent larger than Iowa.
There’s more good news. Given the various ways that Missouri mimics the US, it should not surprise that Missourians have voted for the president longer than any other state. They’ve done so since 1960. If you allow one exception, in 1956 when it voted for Stevenson, the string goes back to 1904!
I am not advocating that the first primary be held in Missouri for the next century. I am advocating that the first primary be held in the state that comes closest to serving as a microcosm for the US.
Also, the first electoral exercise should mimic the larger exercise many of us go through the first Tuesday in November. It shouldn’t be an event where a tiny percentage of the state’s population participates. It should be a statewide election.
Call it the Little America Primary.
Regarding That Regional Primary Thing
Rightly, there is a good deal of support for rotating regional primaries. There are various plans. All divide the country into regions and rotate the regions. This would be a very good thing. Every region would get a turn at going first. Most years most regions would have a say in the nominating process. Rotating regional primaries would eradicate the primary traffic jam we will experience in 2008. However, most rotating regional primary proposals keep the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary in tact.
The New Hampshire Primary is another bad tradition of American politics. New Hampshire is 97 per cent white. It ranks first in median income. It has no history of voting with the country for the candidate who becomes president. New Hampshire doesn’t mimic the demographics of the nation.
But like Iowa, New Hampshire is a small state. This allows candidates to meet and listen and talk with citizens.
Small States
I suggest we keep the benefits of the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary. Elevate the importance of the small states. It’s easy.
Require each region to vote in a particular month. Have Region One votes in February, Region Two in March, and so forth. Hold the first primary in a region in one of the small states in the region.
Every region has one humongous state. You know what I’m talking about, states like California, New York, and Texas. If the primaries held there occur on the same dates of other primaries in the region, the large states will steal most of the thunder. So let the biggest state in terms in a region—at least in terms of electoral wallop—have a stand alone primary.
That leaves two weekends for the rest of the region. Bundle the states together so that it is easier for the candidates to campaign and to buy television time. This will mean each region will have a southern section and a northern section.
To be fair, rotation within a region will be necessary. The small states in the region can rotate to determine which goes first. During one election cycle the southern section would go first, in the next, the northern.
Let’s summarize. The ides of a rotating regional primary is a very good one. But kick things off with a primary in a state that most represents America. Then in February start a series of regional primaries. Dedicate the first primary in each region to a small state. Give the Big Kahuna in each region a stand-alone. And let’s help the candidates a little and bundle the rest of the region into two sub sections. And within each region, rotate.
Call it the Fair Primary.
Some other Good Ideas
Every contest is a primary—no straw votes, no caucuses, no beauty contests.
All primaries have proportional representation. If a candidate wins half the vote, that candidate is awarded half the delegates.
So that people who work have more of an opportunity to vote, hold the elections on Friday and Saturday.
Polls close at the same time on Saturday throughout the region. Because all the states in a particular primary will be in one or two time zones, this should not be difficult.
But polls may open early. And on Friday they may remain open late. For example, areas with a large Jewish population may elect to have polls open early on Friday to allow plenty of time for people to vote before the Sabbath begins. Some areas may elect to remain open late on Friday—so that people have plenty of time to vote after work.
Make the first primary an open primary. Voters may vote once for candidate from any party. This will make the sampling even more like a cross section of America.
All these ideas will make the process more fair. And every election season it will invite new groups of people into the process. This should stimulate interest in a process central to the lives of all of us.
This would be a good thing.
Natterings
Nattering nabobs of negativity will raise all sorts of flags. The first will revolve around tradition.
My response. . . If it’s a bad tradition, change it.
Another will response will be, How will the current system be changed?
The parties, realizing what a mess things are this year should address the problem.
Call me old-fashioned, mid-Victorian, and all too provincial, but it seems to me that if something is broken and you are going to fix it, it is far better to fix the thing completely—rather than do a patch job.The current primary system is silly and chaotic. The rush to be heard early in the process is a just a symptom of a larger problem within the process we have now.
The Fair Primary is a vast improvement to the way we do things now—and it is darn close to fair.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Steroids in Baseball, Global Warming, and Iraq
Our neighbors are hosting a foreign exchange student named Suddya. He is from the Ukraine, and he is an unusually bright young man. Occasionally, he wanders by to ask me questions about America. Soon after the Mitchell Report came out on the use of steroids and other unauthorized substances in baseball, Suddya came by.
I opened a few soft drinks, and we sat down.
“In my city, some very . . . how do you say? . . . not good people came into town. Zey had wild parties dat lasted late into da night.”
“Were they political fundraisers?”
“No.”
“Zey stole. Zey cheated.”
“Oh, so you had Hollywood accountants visit the Ukraine?”
“No.”
“Zey did drugs and drank and made much bad news.”
“Brittney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were in the Ukraine.”
“I think they were what you call organized crime, the Mobe.”
“The Mob?”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. Then he nodded. “What you would call a sheriff kicked their cans out of town.”
“You have a very good sheriff.”
“Kicking za tin down za pike.”
“Dis phrase you have in Amerika, Kicking za tin down za pike. ”
“Do you mean, Kicking the can down the road?”
“Yes. Dat is da phrase. It means?”
“It means that we are not solving the problem now. We are waiting until later. We are postponing. We are procrastinating.”
“And for years . . . dis applied to baseball and steroids?”
“Yes. Long before lots of people started asking questions, baseball players started to look like the Michelin Man.”
Suddya had seen a great deal of American television. He knew what the Michelin Man looked like. “So rather dan solve za problems steroids created, rather dan solve dos problems early, baseball vaited til later?”
“Yes. This is what ‘kicking the can down the road’ means.”
“But vaiting to solve da problem later, dat means when [the] problem is addressed, well by then [the] problem is worse.”
“Exactly.”
Suddya asked, “Vhy did baseball vait so long to address [this] problem?”
“A lot of it has to do with money. When baseball players were hitting baseballs as if they were golf balls, lots of people came to see the games.”
“Vat you call revenues, dey went up?”
“Talk of steroids would have lowered revenues.”
Suddya asked, “Von’t revenues be hurt more because of da long wait to solve da problem?”
“Probably.”
“And because da leaders didn’t do anything, din’t za problem . . . become worse?”
“Certainly.”
“I think I don’t understand America bery well.”
“The classic response is that leaders don’t want to make waves. It will damage their credibility.”
“Isn’t vat you call credibility, isn’t dat ruined . . . for not acting sooner?”
“Good point.”
“Won’t the man who runs baseball lose his job?”
“Probably not.”
“Why not?”
“Because the owners like him.”
“But he screwed down.”
“In America we call this screwing up.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake.
“Dis is nonsense.”
“Most look at it this way: If the commissioner of baseball had brought attention to the steroid problem years ago, it would have caused controversy. Attendance would have declined. Baseball’s television ratings would have declined. Owners would have objected. The players union would have objected. A lot of fans would have objected. The commissioner might have lost his job . . . But if he waits til the problem is out in the open, and then he addresses it, he is seen as a problem solver.”
Suddya’s forehead was a sea of wrinkles. “Dis is nonsense. Da problem got much worse. The cost vill be higher. Some players who took steroids vill have shorter lives. Kids who took steroids because their athletic heroes did vill have shorter lives.”
“You are, of course, right.”
Suddya asked, “Aren’t there plenty of vays da head of baseball could have drawn attention to dis problem?”
“Yes. But most would have required the commissioner of baseball to get his hands very dirty.”
“Aren’t dere plenty of vays da commissioner could have drawn attention to the problem vithout getting his feet filthy?”
“The expression is ‘getting your hands dirty.’ And the answer to your question is, ‘Yes’ there are plenty of ways any leader can raise in interest in an issue without getting his hands dirty.”
“In Da Godfather, there vere reporters who wrote vat the Godfather wanted.”
“That is a good point. In America there is no shortage of reporters who will report what almost anyone wants reported.”
“Da movie Amazing Grace recently came out on DVD.”
I nodded.
“In the movie, da prime minister and a man named Wilberforce team up to end da slave trade in England. Wilberforce got his hands dirty, the prime minster, he vorked behind the scenes.”
“You are very smart young man.”
“Certainly da head of baseball knows . . . how do you say?”
“How to finesse a situation like the one he was in?”
Suddya smiled. “Yes. Dat is what I meant.”
“Clearly the commissioner didn’t have the will.”
Not Just Baseball
Suddya started waiving his hands in the air and talking loudly. A television network studio executive could have realized that Suddya was upset. “And it’s not just baseball! Decades ago ve had da greenhouse effect. Only now are ve really beginning to do something about dis global warming.”
I nodded.
Suddya continued, “De other day where I lives, we had to clean up old newspapers and magazines. I played kooky and read a few.”
“Hooky. You played hooky.”
He smiled at his mistake. “I read lots of old stories about za war in Iraq. In Iraq, Bush has done a lot of kicking za tin down za pike.”
I nodded.
“And because of dat da government in Iraq is a mess. And because of dat the police in Iraq are a mess. Dis kicking za tin, it creates big problems, no?”
“Yes, it creates big problems.”
“And da Democrats. Did dey stop Bush from kicking za tin?”
“No.”
“So dis kicking za tin down the pike, it seems to be very American? Yes?”
“Yes. It is very American.”
“I have one more question. In Amerika you call da Mobe—”
“The mob.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. “In America, you call da Mob, organized crime, yes?”
“This is correct.”
“Well this mistake dat comes from kicking za tin down za pike, dis waiting so long to address steroids in baseball, dis waiting so long to address global warming, dis waiting so long to address da government in Iraq, is dis disorganized crime?”
Line of the Week
“Education is the engine that makes American democracy work. And it has to work, and that means people have to have access.” Harvard’s president, Drew Faust, on the announcement that the university will significantly increase aid to many students.
I opened a few soft drinks, and we sat down.
“In my city, some very . . . how do you say? . . . not good people came into town. Zey had wild parties dat lasted late into da night.”
“Were they political fundraisers?”
“No.”
“Zey stole. Zey cheated.”
“Oh, so you had Hollywood accountants visit the Ukraine?”
“No.”
“Zey did drugs and drank and made much bad news.”
“Brittney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were in the Ukraine.”
“I think they were what you call organized crime, the Mobe.”
“The Mob?”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. Then he nodded. “What you would call a sheriff kicked their cans out of town.”
“You have a very good sheriff.”
“Kicking za tin down za pike.”
“Dis phrase you have in Amerika, Kicking za tin down za pike. ”
“Do you mean, Kicking the can down the road?”
“Yes. Dat is da phrase. It means?”
“It means that we are not solving the problem now. We are waiting until later. We are postponing. We are procrastinating.”
“And for years . . . dis applied to baseball and steroids?”
“Yes. Long before lots of people started asking questions, baseball players started to look like the Michelin Man.”
Suddya had seen a great deal of American television. He knew what the Michelin Man looked like. “So rather dan solve za problems steroids created, rather dan solve dos problems early, baseball vaited til later?”
“Yes. This is what ‘kicking the can down the road’ means.”
“But vaiting to solve da problem later, dat means when [the] problem is addressed, well by then [the] problem is worse.”
“Exactly.”
Suddya asked, “Vhy did baseball vait so long to address [this] problem?”
“A lot of it has to do with money. When baseball players were hitting baseballs as if they were golf balls, lots of people came to see the games.”
“Vat you call revenues, dey went up?”
“Talk of steroids would have lowered revenues.”
Suddya asked, “Von’t revenues be hurt more because of da long wait to solve da problem?”
“Probably.”
“And because da leaders didn’t do anything, din’t za problem . . . become worse?”
“Certainly.”
“I think I don’t understand America bery well.”
“The classic response is that leaders don’t want to make waves. It will damage their credibility.”
“Isn’t vat you call credibility, isn’t dat ruined . . . for not acting sooner?”
“Good point.”
“Won’t the man who runs baseball lose his job?”
“Probably not.”
“Why not?”
“Because the owners like him.”
“But he screwed down.”
“In America we call this screwing up.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake.
“Dis is nonsense.”
“Most look at it this way: If the commissioner of baseball had brought attention to the steroid problem years ago, it would have caused controversy. Attendance would have declined. Baseball’s television ratings would have declined. Owners would have objected. The players union would have objected. A lot of fans would have objected. The commissioner might have lost his job . . . But if he waits til the problem is out in the open, and then he addresses it, he is seen as a problem solver.”
Suddya’s forehead was a sea of wrinkles. “Dis is nonsense. Da problem got much worse. The cost vill be higher. Some players who took steroids vill have shorter lives. Kids who took steroids because their athletic heroes did vill have shorter lives.”
“You are, of course, right.”
Suddya asked, “Aren’t there plenty of vays da head of baseball could have drawn attention to dis problem?”
“Yes. But most would have required the commissioner of baseball to get his hands very dirty.”
“Aren’t dere plenty of vays da commissioner could have drawn attention to the problem vithout getting his feet filthy?”
“The expression is ‘getting your hands dirty.’ And the answer to your question is, ‘Yes’ there are plenty of ways any leader can raise in interest in an issue without getting his hands dirty.”
“In Da Godfather, there vere reporters who wrote vat the Godfather wanted.”
“That is a good point. In America there is no shortage of reporters who will report what almost anyone wants reported.”
“Da movie Amazing Grace recently came out on DVD.”
I nodded.
“In the movie, da prime minister and a man named Wilberforce team up to end da slave trade in England. Wilberforce got his hands dirty, the prime minster, he vorked behind the scenes.”
“You are very smart young man.”
“Certainly da head of baseball knows . . . how do you say?”
“How to finesse a situation like the one he was in?”
Suddya smiled. “Yes. Dat is what I meant.”
“Clearly the commissioner didn’t have the will.”
Not Just Baseball
Suddya started waiving his hands in the air and talking loudly. A television network studio executive could have realized that Suddya was upset. “And it’s not just baseball! Decades ago ve had da greenhouse effect. Only now are ve really beginning to do something about dis global warming.”
I nodded.
Suddya continued, “De other day where I lives, we had to clean up old newspapers and magazines. I played kooky and read a few.”
“Hooky. You played hooky.”
He smiled at his mistake. “I read lots of old stories about za war in Iraq. In Iraq, Bush has done a lot of kicking za tin down za pike.”
I nodded.
“And because of dat da government in Iraq is a mess. And because of dat the police in Iraq are a mess. Dis kicking za tin, it creates big problems, no?”
“Yes, it creates big problems.”
“And da Democrats. Did dey stop Bush from kicking za tin?”
“No.”
“So dis kicking za tin down the pike, it seems to be very American? Yes?”
“Yes. It is very American.”
“I have one more question. In Amerika you call da Mobe—”
“The mob.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. “In America, you call da Mob, organized crime, yes?”
“This is correct.”
“Well this mistake dat comes from kicking za tin down za pike, dis waiting so long to address steroids in baseball, dis waiting so long to address global warming, dis waiting so long to address da government in Iraq, is dis disorganized crime?”
Line of the Week
“Education is the engine that makes American democracy work. And it has to work, and that means people have to have access.” Harvard’s president, Drew Faust, on the announcement that the university will significantly increase aid to many students.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?
Some of my best friends are mystical. They think their dreams tell them deep and pervasive truths. I’m not a mystical person. My dreams usually tell me to stay away from spicy foods. But yesterday I didn’t eat spicy food, and last night I had a very strange dream. I know it was a dream. But it seemed so clear and obvious and true—well, all that made it seem like it wasn’t a dream at all.
In the dream, Bush and Cheney were in the Oval Office. There was large portable cork board in the oval office too. On it pictures Hillary Clinton and Arianna Huffington had been hung with care. Each picture had a thick blue paper frame around it.
During the conversation, Bush threw red darts at the pictures.
My dream had a soundtrack. The Jefferson Airplane sang “Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?” They sang it to the tune of their sixties classic, “Somebody to Love.”
My dream started as Bush threw a dart. It barely hit the frame the outlining the picture of Hillary Clinton.
“Hitting the frame counts. Mr. President. Good shot.”
Bush smiled.
“Mr. President. I was sent in to talk with you about the NIE report on Iran.”
As Bush aimed a dart, he said, “I’m listnin.”
The Bad News
“Well the news is not good Mr. President. It’s not good at all. The National intelligence Estimate has issued a new report.”
“So?”
“Well there’s news in it sir.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well according to the National Intelligence Estimate, Iran closed down its nuclear weapons program four years ago.”
“Who put the report together? Wing nuts and moonbats?”
“That’s a problem Mr. President. Our people put the report together.”
Bush hurled a dart. It flew high and wide to the right. It landed on the large chair that rests behind the desk in the Oval Office.
“Oooops.”
“Don’t worry sir. Our media unit has a great patch kit.”
“You don’t say?”
“Tomorrow you’ll never know there was a hole in that chair.”
“Don’t suppose it has a patch that covers Iraq?”
“No Mr. President. It only works on chairs and couches . . . and things like that.”
As Bush hurled a dart, he said, “I’d like to put a patch over the mouth of—”
The dart hit the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Cheney continued, “Mr. President, the NIE report was put together from reports from . . . ahh . . . many of our intelligence gathering services.”
“Our people wrote that report?”
Cheney nodded.
Bush said, “Traitors.”
“I agree Mr. President.”
“Look into it.”
“I’ve just begun to look into it.”
“Good work.”
Bush picked up another dart. “Dem fella’s in Iraq stopped buidlin nukes four years ago?”
“Iran.”
“What?”
“People in Iran stopped building nukes four years ago.”
“Iran, Iraq—whatever—four years ago they stopped building nukelear bombs?”
“That’s right Mr. President.”
“That was before the election.”
“Mr. President your math is improving.”
Red Card
The President smiled. Then he said, “For years now we’ve been goin ballistic about Iran.”
Cheney’s forehead wrinkled. Cheney pulled a red card out of his jacket. He looked at Bush, and in an angry tone said, “Racheting up the rhetoric.”
“Right.” Bush closed his eyes as he said, “Don’t’ say, Goin Ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric. Don’t say, Goin ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric.” Bush opened his eyes. “I got it.”
Cheney smiled and put the red card back in his jacket.
Bush threw a dart. It landed on Hillary Clinton’s face.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Then Cheney said, “The news I just told you about has brought bad news.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well the Democrat bloggers are having a field day.”
“Bush threw a dart at the picture of Arianna Huffington.” It was wide right.
“Almost Mr. President.”
Bush threw another dart at Huffington’s picture. And then he threw another. The fourth dart hit the paper frame around Huffington’s picture.
“Good shot Mr. President!”
Change in Direction
Bush looked at Cheney. “Well we’ll just have ta find somethin else to get people scared about.”
“That’s a very intelligent comment Mr. President. To me it seems to be a lesson the Democrats never learn. But you’ve got it down pat.”
“Instincts. Always had good instincts.”
“Right Mr. President.”
As Bush aimed another dart, he said, “The Democrats are always scary. Could we try to scare the country about the Democrats? Imagine their idea to bust the budget for health care for kids. What do they think I am? Some kind of a dope? Kids don’t vote. Do they think I’m an idiot?”
“Mr. President, I have a meeting in an hour. It’s about what we should scare people about next sir.”
“Good job.”
“But this NIE report does present problems for us.”
Bush’s throw missed both pictures.
Good ol Days
“Tough shot Mr. President.”
Bush said, “Eisenhower. Eisenhower had it easy.”
“How so Mr. President?”
“It was easy for him to find someone to hate. The Cold War was goin on. And he had that dude—what was his name?”
“Joe McCarthy?”
“Right. Eisenhower had that McCarthy dude scarin every grandmother in the US about communists.”
“Right Mr. President.”
“Ahh, those were the good ol days.”
“Mr. President, obviously we’ll play the fear card.”
“What other card is there?”
“The Iranians are still enriching uranium. Obviously we’ll play the fear card with the enrichment thing.”
Bush nodded as he hurled a dart toward the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney continued, “As opposed to the Bush tax cuts. Those tax cuts are enrichment things that work in a better way.”
They both smiled.
Cheney continued, “At the meeting I spoke about earlier, we’ll look at long term ramifications of this NIE report.”
Cheney’s Plan
Bush said, “So this NIE raport. That basically ends our plans for Iran.”
“Afraid so Mr. President.”
As Bush grabbed a dart, he said, “Your plan to scare the piss outta people about Iran n maybe drop a firecracker or two in their back yard. It was a good plan Dick.”
“Thank you Mr. President.”
“Would a diverted everyone from the election some. Sure as heck woulda stopped people worryin about the dang economy. Would a gone a long way toward helpin the party in November.”
“Bush threw a dart. It missed the picture of Hillary Clinton.”
Bush continued, “But what I really liked about your plan was it woulda allowed us ta do the things we need ta do.”
“You’re right again Mr. President. Sometimes The Constitution does get in the way of what’s right and best for America.”
“Dat’s my point! Dat’s exactly my point. Tha Constitution. In you’re meetin today, find somethin that will let us . . .”
“Bend.”
“Dat’s it. Dat’s exactly it.”
“Find something that will let us bend da Constitution.”
“Right Mr. President.”
Bush threw his last dart. It missed both pictures.
I have a memo here from Karl Rove. Cheney continued. Holding the memo, Cheney said, “Rove suggests you get bigger pictures.”
“Dat Karl. Dat Karl is a good ol boy. He never stops thinkin. Bigger pictures. Ain’t that an idea? Tommorra have someone get bigger pictures for me ta throw darts at.”
“Excellent idea Mr. President.”
“N get me a picture of that Oprera lady.”
“Ms. Winfrey?”
“Dats the one. Dat’s the one. Remember. Find something that will allow us to do the things we have to do to make this country great.”
Cheney nodded. Then he said, “Remember Mr. President. The Constitution is just a piece of paper.”
“That’s my boy Dick. That’s my boy.”
Line of the Week
Following the shooting death of Redskin’s safty Sean Taylor, there was a rush by many to speculate that events from Taylor's checkered past had provoked his attack and later death. Police now say that the assailants were burglars. Writing in Sports Illustrated, Jim Trotter noted, "Didn’t we learn anything from the Duke lacrosse case?"
In the dream, Bush and Cheney were in the Oval Office. There was large portable cork board in the oval office too. On it pictures Hillary Clinton and Arianna Huffington had been hung with care. Each picture had a thick blue paper frame around it.
During the conversation, Bush threw red darts at the pictures.
My dream had a soundtrack. The Jefferson Airplane sang “Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?” They sang it to the tune of their sixties classic, “Somebody to Love.”
My dream started as Bush threw a dart. It barely hit the frame the outlining the picture of Hillary Clinton.
“Hitting the frame counts. Mr. President. Good shot.”
Bush smiled.
“Mr. President. I was sent in to talk with you about the NIE report on Iran.”
As Bush aimed a dart, he said, “I’m listnin.”
The Bad News
“Well the news is not good Mr. President. It’s not good at all. The National intelligence Estimate has issued a new report.”
“So?”
“Well there’s news in it sir.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well according to the National Intelligence Estimate, Iran closed down its nuclear weapons program four years ago.”
“Who put the report together? Wing nuts and moonbats?”
“That’s a problem Mr. President. Our people put the report together.”
Bush hurled a dart. It flew high and wide to the right. It landed on the large chair that rests behind the desk in the Oval Office.
“Oooops.”
“Don’t worry sir. Our media unit has a great patch kit.”
“You don’t say?”
“Tomorrow you’ll never know there was a hole in that chair.”
“Don’t suppose it has a patch that covers Iraq?”
“No Mr. President. It only works on chairs and couches . . . and things like that.”
As Bush hurled a dart, he said, “I’d like to put a patch over the mouth of—”
The dart hit the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Cheney continued, “Mr. President, the NIE report was put together from reports from . . . ahh . . . many of our intelligence gathering services.”
“Our people wrote that report?”
Cheney nodded.
Bush said, “Traitors.”
“I agree Mr. President.”
“Look into it.”
“I’ve just begun to look into it.”
“Good work.”
Bush picked up another dart. “Dem fella’s in Iraq stopped buidlin nukes four years ago?”
“Iran.”
“What?”
“People in Iran stopped building nukes four years ago.”
“Iran, Iraq—whatever—four years ago they stopped building nukelear bombs?”
“That’s right Mr. President.”
“That was before the election.”
“Mr. President your math is improving.”
Red Card
The President smiled. Then he said, “For years now we’ve been goin ballistic about Iran.”
Cheney’s forehead wrinkled. Cheney pulled a red card out of his jacket. He looked at Bush, and in an angry tone said, “Racheting up the rhetoric.”
“Right.” Bush closed his eyes as he said, “Don’t’ say, Goin Ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric. Don’t say, Goin ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric.” Bush opened his eyes. “I got it.”
Cheney smiled and put the red card back in his jacket.
Bush threw a dart. It landed on Hillary Clinton’s face.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Then Cheney said, “The news I just told you about has brought bad news.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well the Democrat bloggers are having a field day.”
“Bush threw a dart at the picture of Arianna Huffington.” It was wide right.
“Almost Mr. President.”
Bush threw another dart at Huffington’s picture. And then he threw another. The fourth dart hit the paper frame around Huffington’s picture.
“Good shot Mr. President!”
Change in Direction
Bush looked at Cheney. “Well we’ll just have ta find somethin else to get people scared about.”
“That’s a very intelligent comment Mr. President. To me it seems to be a lesson the Democrats never learn. But you’ve got it down pat.”
“Instincts. Always had good instincts.”
“Right Mr. President.”
As Bush aimed another dart, he said, “The Democrats are always scary. Could we try to scare the country about the Democrats? Imagine their idea to bust the budget for health care for kids. What do they think I am? Some kind of a dope? Kids don’t vote. Do they think I’m an idiot?”
“Mr. President, I have a meeting in an hour. It’s about what we should scare people about next sir.”
“Good job.”
“But this NIE report does present problems for us.”
Bush’s throw missed both pictures.
Good ol Days
“Tough shot Mr. President.”
Bush said, “Eisenhower. Eisenhower had it easy.”
“How so Mr. President?”
“It was easy for him to find someone to hate. The Cold War was goin on. And he had that dude—what was his name?”
“Joe McCarthy?”
“Right. Eisenhower had that McCarthy dude scarin every grandmother in the US about communists.”
“Right Mr. President.”
“Ahh, those were the good ol days.”
“Mr. President, obviously we’ll play the fear card.”
“What other card is there?”
“The Iranians are still enriching uranium. Obviously we’ll play the fear card with the enrichment thing.”
Bush nodded as he hurled a dart toward the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney continued, “As opposed to the Bush tax cuts. Those tax cuts are enrichment things that work in a better way.”
They both smiled.
Cheney continued, “At the meeting I spoke about earlier, we’ll look at long term ramifications of this NIE report.”
Cheney’s Plan
Bush said, “So this NIE raport. That basically ends our plans for Iran.”
“Afraid so Mr. President.”
As Bush grabbed a dart, he said, “Your plan to scare the piss outta people about Iran n maybe drop a firecracker or two in their back yard. It was a good plan Dick.”
“Thank you Mr. President.”
“Would a diverted everyone from the election some. Sure as heck woulda stopped people worryin about the dang economy. Would a gone a long way toward helpin the party in November.”
“Bush threw a dart. It missed the picture of Hillary Clinton.”
Bush continued, “But what I really liked about your plan was it woulda allowed us ta do the things we need ta do.”
“You’re right again Mr. President. Sometimes The Constitution does get in the way of what’s right and best for America.”
“Dat’s my point! Dat’s exactly my point. Tha Constitution. In you’re meetin today, find somethin that will let us . . .”
“Bend.”
“Dat’s it. Dat’s exactly it.”
“Find something that will let us bend da Constitution.”
“Right Mr. President.”
Bush threw his last dart. It missed both pictures.
I have a memo here from Karl Rove. Cheney continued. Holding the memo, Cheney said, “Rove suggests you get bigger pictures.”
“Dat Karl. Dat Karl is a good ol boy. He never stops thinkin. Bigger pictures. Ain’t that an idea? Tommorra have someone get bigger pictures for me ta throw darts at.”
“Excellent idea Mr. President.”
“N get me a picture of that Oprera lady.”
“Ms. Winfrey?”
“Dats the one. Dat’s the one. Remember. Find something that will allow us to do the things we have to do to make this country great.”
Cheney nodded. Then he said, “Remember Mr. President. The Constitution is just a piece of paper.”
“That’s my boy Dick. That’s my boy.”
Line of the Week
Following the shooting death of Redskin’s safty Sean Taylor, there was a rush by many to speculate that events from Taylor's checkered past had provoked his attack and later death. Police now say that the assailants were burglars. Writing in Sports Illustrated, Jim Trotter noted, "Didn’t we learn anything from the Duke lacrosse case?"
A Short Political Dictionary
For politicians, few things are more hazardous than telling the truth.
My favorite example is President Carter’s energy initiative. Way back in 1977 then President Carter hoped to inspire Americans to solve it’s energy problems. He deemed the cause, “ the moral equivalent of war.” He was right. He spoke the truth. Had we followed his advice, we would not be in the energy mess we are in now. But people didn’t want to hear the truth. Many people laughed at him.
When he was governor, Jerry Brown suggested a satellite should be launched into orbit to speed emergency communications for the state. This proposal earned him the name Governor Moonbeam—and, you guessed, it laughter. California eventually adopted a similar proposal.
An esteemed political consultant initiates young candidates on the perils of the truth. He has the pols he advises read the short story, “Tombermory.” In the story, a cat talks, and get this, the cat tells the truth! Forget that a person has taught a cat—an animal with the brain the size of a walnut—to talk. Characters in the short story are so fed up with the truths the cat tells, that they deem it appropriate to have the cat killed.
As I write this in a warm hotel room in Des Moines, it is 12 degrees Farenheight outside. But the Iowa caucuses are merely weeks away. That means the rhetoric is heating up.
A Public Service
So, as a public service I offer a few translations of political doublespeak.
“There’s a lot of free media in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: There are homeless people who have more money than this campaign does.
“I’m having a great time here in America’s Heartland.” TRANSLATION: I haven’t had this much fun since I had a barium enema.
"I'm delighted to share this stage with so many great people." TRANSLATION: The guy to my right is nuttier than squirrel turd. The bozo on my left is about as sharp as a cue ball.
“I would like to thank the lovely Jane Smith for that wonderful introduction.” TRANSLATION: I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight—I'm afraid she'd win.
“Let me be perfectly clear.” TRANSLATION: Uhoh I just quoted Nixon, one of the least trusted people in the history of American politics.
“Let me say this about that.” TRANSLATION: I have no idea how to answer the question I’ve just been asked.
“He says he will cut red tape. Right. He’ll cut it lengthwise.”
TRANSLATION: Even the politician is bored with his/her stump speech.
“His new proposal is weaker than a midget’s pinky.” TRANSLATION: That sausage I ate for breakfast repeats faster than a machine gun.
“I believe in America.” TRANSLATION, Did I just quote a line from The Godfather?
“We face unprecedented challenges.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I love that line. It scares people big time, and it doesn’t force me to commit to anything.
“Elect me to be your next president and one of the first things I will do will be to assemble a panel of experts to solve this problem.” TRANSLATION: I’m going to table this puppy til people are sunbathing in Siberia.
“His new proposal is such a mess, you’d have to think it was written by a co-hog.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I’m tired. And what the heck is a co-hog?
“I’m talking about a return to values. American values. The same values that made this country great, and the same values that will return this country to greatness.” TRANSLATION: If I say the word “values” enough, and do not, repeat do not qualify it with examples, or anything that reeks of deteail, if I say “values” enough people will think I have values that are similar to their values.
“It’s great to be in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: Gosh, it’s cold here.
“I support ethanol subsidies.” TRANSLATION: I know ethanol subsides raise the price of corn, I know ethanol doesn’t burn all that much cleaner than gas, I know ethanol isn’t all that good of an idea, but man can I pander!
“I do not believe in evolution.” TRANSLATION: The idiot who is asked me this question pretty much proves what I’am saying.
“The Iowa caucases are a great tradition” TRANSLATION: I know only four percent of the state votes. I know a caucus is not at all like a state-wide election. I know Iowa’s racial makeup does not reflect America’s. I know Iowa’s economic interests do not reflect America’s. But, I can pander better than a hungry hooker.
“He panders better than an hungry hooker.” TRANSLATION: God I’m good.
“There is something about Rudy.” TRANSLATION: I’m not going to say he’s got a temper like mule driver. I’m not going to say he surrounds himself with Yesmen. I’m not going to say he trotted around New York City in a dress a few times. I’m not going to say that he lived with gay men for a while. I’m not going to say that he has been married three times or that he flirts with a lot of very queer Democratic ideas, but I can infer all that.
“It’s still early.” TRANSLATION: I’m behind.
At this point in the campaing, polls are notoriously inaccurate.” TRANSLATION: All together now, It’s great to be in fifth place. It’s great to be in fifth place.
“With all due respect . . ..” TRANSLATION: I’m about to stab one of my opponents with a rhetorical sword.
“I’m glad you asked that question.” TRANSLATION: Are they ever going to stop harping on that. When that happened, Moby Dick was a minnow.
“I’m delighted to be in Ottumwa.” TRANSLATION: What kind of a hick city is this?
“When I first learned of the Senator’s comments on immigration, I thought, ‘This is bad.’ ” TRANSLATION: Did I just quote a line from The Titanic?
"I'm delighted we've had such a detailed discussion of the issues that are important to all of us." TRANSLATION: Thank goodness the media stay so far away from most of the issues. Where the media leads, the people will follow. I haven't had a tough question on an issue in days.
“I can’t wait to come back to Iowa,” TRANSLATION: We gotta get outta this place.
Regarding Henry
Henry Hyde died last week. From 1975-2007 he was a Republican congressman from Illinois. He was a pro-life, pro military Republican. He broke with is party on gun control and the war in Iraq. His actions led him to be tangled in the imbroglio we now politely refer to as the Savings and Loan Scandal. While he was an attack dog for the Clinton Impeachment hearing, Salon.com published a story stating he’d had an extra marital affair from 1965-1969.
Hyde is mentioned here for a story he told that helped stop term limits legislation. It gets my vote for one of the great political stories ever told. It went something like this. The brain surgeon is about to operate on you. You’re head has been shaved. There are markings on your head where the surgeon will operate. And you turn to him and ask, “You haven’t done this for more than two terms have you?”
Kudos
To PBS’s show Now for its report this week on a series of efforts to reduce voter turnout. The show details how picture ID requirements reduce the number of poor people who vote. It also explains a series of efforts that reduce the turnout of people who frequently vote Democratic.
Line of the Week
At the Middle East Peace Summit in Annapolis President Bush met with Israeli Prime Minister and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for a photo-op. And all parties involved were anxious to shake hands and get on with the serious business of what each party did to anger the other.
But the podium was in the way of the handshake.
This provoked Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to say to President Bush, “Mr. President, if we move from the podium, they will see us shaking hands together.”
Forgivable faux pas? Metaphor for Bush’s presidency?
My favorite example is President Carter’s energy initiative. Way back in 1977 then President Carter hoped to inspire Americans to solve it’s energy problems. He deemed the cause, “ the moral equivalent of war.” He was right. He spoke the truth. Had we followed his advice, we would not be in the energy mess we are in now. But people didn’t want to hear the truth. Many people laughed at him.
When he was governor, Jerry Brown suggested a satellite should be launched into orbit to speed emergency communications for the state. This proposal earned him the name Governor Moonbeam—and, you guessed, it laughter. California eventually adopted a similar proposal.
An esteemed political consultant initiates young candidates on the perils of the truth. He has the pols he advises read the short story, “Tombermory.” In the story, a cat talks, and get this, the cat tells the truth! Forget that a person has taught a cat—an animal with the brain the size of a walnut—to talk. Characters in the short story are so fed up with the truths the cat tells, that they deem it appropriate to have the cat killed.
As I write this in a warm hotel room in Des Moines, it is 12 degrees Farenheight outside. But the Iowa caucuses are merely weeks away. That means the rhetoric is heating up.
A Public Service
So, as a public service I offer a few translations of political doublespeak.
“There’s a lot of free media in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: There are homeless people who have more money than this campaign does.
“I’m having a great time here in America’s Heartland.” TRANSLATION: I haven’t had this much fun since I had a barium enema.
"I'm delighted to share this stage with so many great people." TRANSLATION: The guy to my right is nuttier than squirrel turd. The bozo on my left is about as sharp as a cue ball.
“I would like to thank the lovely Jane Smith for that wonderful introduction.” TRANSLATION: I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight—I'm afraid she'd win.
“Let me be perfectly clear.” TRANSLATION: Uhoh I just quoted Nixon, one of the least trusted people in the history of American politics.
“Let me say this about that.” TRANSLATION: I have no idea how to answer the question I’ve just been asked.
“He says he will cut red tape. Right. He’ll cut it lengthwise.”
TRANSLATION: Even the politician is bored with his/her stump speech.
“His new proposal is weaker than a midget’s pinky.” TRANSLATION: That sausage I ate for breakfast repeats faster than a machine gun.
“I believe in America.” TRANSLATION, Did I just quote a line from The Godfather?
“We face unprecedented challenges.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I love that line. It scares people big time, and it doesn’t force me to commit to anything.
“Elect me to be your next president and one of the first things I will do will be to assemble a panel of experts to solve this problem.” TRANSLATION: I’m going to table this puppy til people are sunbathing in Siberia.
“His new proposal is such a mess, you’d have to think it was written by a co-hog.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I’m tired. And what the heck is a co-hog?
“I’m talking about a return to values. American values. The same values that made this country great, and the same values that will return this country to greatness.” TRANSLATION: If I say the word “values” enough, and do not, repeat do not qualify it with examples, or anything that reeks of deteail, if I say “values” enough people will think I have values that are similar to their values.
“It’s great to be in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: Gosh, it’s cold here.
“I support ethanol subsidies.” TRANSLATION: I know ethanol subsides raise the price of corn, I know ethanol doesn’t burn all that much cleaner than gas, I know ethanol isn’t all that good of an idea, but man can I pander!
“I do not believe in evolution.” TRANSLATION: The idiot who is asked me this question pretty much proves what I’am saying.
“The Iowa caucases are a great tradition” TRANSLATION: I know only four percent of the state votes. I know a caucus is not at all like a state-wide election. I know Iowa’s racial makeup does not reflect America’s. I know Iowa’s economic interests do not reflect America’s. But, I can pander better than a hungry hooker.
“He panders better than an hungry hooker.” TRANSLATION: God I’m good.
“There is something about Rudy.” TRANSLATION: I’m not going to say he’s got a temper like mule driver. I’m not going to say he surrounds himself with Yesmen. I’m not going to say he trotted around New York City in a dress a few times. I’m not going to say that he lived with gay men for a while. I’m not going to say that he has been married three times or that he flirts with a lot of very queer Democratic ideas, but I can infer all that.
“It’s still early.” TRANSLATION: I’m behind.
At this point in the campaing, polls are notoriously inaccurate.” TRANSLATION: All together now, It’s great to be in fifth place. It’s great to be in fifth place.
“With all due respect . . ..” TRANSLATION: I’m about to stab one of my opponents with a rhetorical sword.
“I’m glad you asked that question.” TRANSLATION: Are they ever going to stop harping on that. When that happened, Moby Dick was a minnow.
“I’m delighted to be in Ottumwa.” TRANSLATION: What kind of a hick city is this?
“When I first learned of the Senator’s comments on immigration, I thought, ‘This is bad.’ ” TRANSLATION: Did I just quote a line from The Titanic?
"I'm delighted we've had such a detailed discussion of the issues that are important to all of us." TRANSLATION: Thank goodness the media stay so far away from most of the issues. Where the media leads, the people will follow. I haven't had a tough question on an issue in days.
“I can’t wait to come back to Iowa,” TRANSLATION: We gotta get outta this place.
Regarding Henry
Henry Hyde died last week. From 1975-2007 he was a Republican congressman from Illinois. He was a pro-life, pro military Republican. He broke with is party on gun control and the war in Iraq. His actions led him to be tangled in the imbroglio we now politely refer to as the Savings and Loan Scandal. While he was an attack dog for the Clinton Impeachment hearing, Salon.com published a story stating he’d had an extra marital affair from 1965-1969.
Hyde is mentioned here for a story he told that helped stop term limits legislation. It gets my vote for one of the great political stories ever told. It went something like this. The brain surgeon is about to operate on you. You’re head has been shaved. There are markings on your head where the surgeon will operate. And you turn to him and ask, “You haven’t done this for more than two terms have you?”
Kudos
To PBS’s show Now for its report this week on a series of efforts to reduce voter turnout. The show details how picture ID requirements reduce the number of poor people who vote. It also explains a series of efforts that reduce the turnout of people who frequently vote Democratic.
Line of the Week
At the Middle East Peace Summit in Annapolis President Bush met with Israeli Prime Minister and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for a photo-op. And all parties involved were anxious to shake hands and get on with the serious business of what each party did to anger the other.
But the podium was in the way of the handshake.
This provoked Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to say to President Bush, “Mr. President, if we move from the podium, they will see us shaking hands together.”
Forgivable faux pas? Metaphor for Bush’s presidency?
Friday, September 28, 2007
Election 2008: Hillary beats Rudy
For reasons that are very easy to explain, Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic nomination.
Let’s not forget the obvious. She is smart. She’s savvy. She is very disciplined. She has excellent name recognition. She is intimately connected to the Bill Clinton presidency—a presidency that proliferated many economical and political prosperities. She has been more than competent during her six years in the Senate.
She is a good candidate. Unlike many, she will do the boring things (fundraising and more fundraising) and the painful things (more fundraising and even more fundraising) that are necessary to win.
One of her chief advisors is a former president, and a man who has one of the best political minds ever to step onto the American political stage.
She has assembled a team of experienced and talented pols to attempt to herd the thousand or so clowders of cats that have to be cajoled and charmed—and kicked and threatened—if a candidate intends to play the toughest of all games at the highest levels. She and they have run an excellent campaign.
Edwards and Obama have on occasion bettered her. Two examples include Edwards at The Riverside Church and Obama during the celebration of the March on Selma.
Edwards and Obama may, on occasion, go deep well. But Clinton grinds out the political ground game better than any of the other presidential candidates.
She is either very talented or very lucky.
As a green politician in charge of President Clinton’s health care initiative, Hillary’s tight-ship demeanor angered allies. Her unwillingness to bend now and compromise later made it easy for her foes to challenge and then defeat her efforts.
Her natural eagerness to be part of a pack was one of the many reasons she voted for the war in Iraq.
These were mistakes of the highest order.
Bad decisions—like the ones Hillary Clinton made years ago on health care and being an early supporter of the war in Iraq—usually turn into a sticky and gooey grime that politicians can neither hide nor dilute. Clinton has managed to turn a couple hectares of this glop into a mine rippled with deep, rich veins of experience.
Unlike Clinton, Obama made the right call on the war in Iraq all those years ago. He wisely attempted to make this campaign about judgment—and not experience.
Clinton has outflanked him. To voters, her experience matters more than his far more prescient judgment.
Obama’s entry into the race, and Clinton’s stature in the Senate have reduced Edwards to a third placer—in a country that can barely keep track of two candidates. Edwards has two things Clinton probably never will attain: a folksy likeability, and one issue for which he holds a genuine and deep passion—reducing poverty. But Edwards’ inability to gain traction outside of Iowa and Obama’s entry into the race have prevented Edwards from going head-to-head against the senator from New York.
Edwards and Obama are some of the best politicians to work a large hall in decades. But neither has achieved a similar mastery of the serial press conferences we call debates.
Clinton did.
She has survived the hits that plague every serious candidate. Last August two books were written about her. This allowed many of the sins of her past to be wadded into giant bombshells that were lobbed her way. More recently, one of her more effective money raisers developed a series of legal problems.
She and her team have responded quickly and effectively—without her or the machine suffering significant damage.
Her team has stolen effectively from the Bush 2000 campaign. There have been almost no long and deep discussions about controversial matters. But she has appeared and appeared (and appeared) in forum after forum. She appears to be accessible, but she hasn’t really been all that forthcoming. Unlike her husband, she has can focus like a laser on her message. And unlike most politicians, she is careful to temper whatever passions she has—she has committed no significant verbal miscues.
And she has shown she can triumph over prejudices. Months ago polls showed that Americans would rather elect a black man than a white woman to our nation’s highest office. But still she leads in the national polls.
For voters who favor Democratic policies or simply want change, the best news about the Clinton campaign is that she has neither said nor done things that will scar her deeply during a national political campaign.
Why Guiliani?
For reasons that are difficult to explain, Giuliani will win the Republican nomination.
Do not underestimate this man. He has managed to take one good day—his actions on September 11, 2001 and work them into such a froth that people think he is not only a good politician, but that he is also an effective leader.
Years from now people will still be scratching their heads and wondering aloud how a moderate Republican who is pro-choice, pro gun control, and has a very non-conservative approach to immigration could succeed so long and so well as a Republican presidential candidate.
He is a very savvy politician.
He speaks clearly. He deflects well. He’s projected images of toughness and decisiveness in a world that values the same.
He has been able to position himself above most of the fray.
This creates the calculus that others in the top tier will have maneuver to get what Giuliani never has aggressively sought—the mantle of the standout conservative who is from the conservative wing of the conservative party.
So like all successful politicians he has a good combination of talent (working one issue) and luck (all the others mauling each other to be the one to take on Giuliani).
A couple things will have to happen for Giuliani to succeed. McCain or others may attack Romney. Romney may just flop as the result of many of his earlier flips.
And Thompson must continue to be too timid to unleash the brimstone necessary for him to rise to the top of the top tier.
Whether Romney and the other contenders fold before the South Carolina primary, or someone emerges from the pack to challenge the current Republican leader, Giuliani will triumph.
The Election
The comments Giuliani has made about Iraq and health care and immigration—the same comments that helped him earn the nomination will hurt him a great deal—especially at first. His comments on the Iraq war and health care will hurt him with conservative Democrats and left leaning independents. His comments about immigration will hurt him with the conservatives in his party.
Clinton’s positionings as well as her message of change and hope will help her a great deal—especially at first.
Clinton will talk tough about domestic issues but adopt a play-it-safe policy on Iraq. The war in Iraq will ebb and flow in importance. Health care and apprehensions about the environment will be real assets to Clinton. Controversies about Giuliani’s decisions as mayor of New York and concerns about his lack of foreign policy experience will haunt him. Therefore, as they do in most presidential elections, on the issues, the Democrat will have the illusive high ground with most Americans.
But as it is every election year, Americans and its media will continue to be reluctant to be overly logical or particularly detail oriented. And because of this and other reasons, personality will play a far more important role that it should. Many will love Giuliani’s persona of the tough-guy decider. Hillary’s chilly public demeanor and multifaceted caution will plague her. In matters where personality triumphs, Giuliani will prevail.
Clinton will beat the experience drum.
Giuliani will try to cast thunderclouds of fear over the country.
There will be a lot of gibberish. Pundits will talk and talk (and talk) about whether back-to-back Clinton administrations, followed by back-to-back Bush administrations should be followed by another administration headed by someone named Clinton. There will be a lot of gibberish about what role Bill Clinton will have in a Hillary Clinton administration. A law prevents him from holding a cabinet post, so it is likely he will be an ambassador at-large.
There will be a lot of gibberish about Giuliani wearing dresses, living with gay men, and about his troubled relationships with members of his own family.
Both campaigns will respond to threats quickly, run successful ads, and campaign heavily in what the punditocracy will call the purple states.
The senator from New York will be admired for doing so well and being liked so little. The former mayor of New York City will be admired for doing so well while running against so many classic Republican policies.
Women, Hispanics, voters with graduate degrees, and many young people will support Clinton—often with what some might even call passion. Huge numbers of white men will line up behind Giuliani. And in November 2008 Clinton will be elected president.
In retrospect, to many it will not appear ever to have been all that close. But this will be a deception only fools and diehard Clinton supporters will embrace.
And it’s Aftermath
After the election, America will pat itself on the back—and almost every other part of its metaphorical anatomy—for being so open to a women—and a black. A more intelligent response will be from those who wonder why it took so long a woman or a black to reach so high and travel so far. Votes cast by Hispanics in the election will provoke many to use the words like “sea change” and “transformational.” The realities of Obama’s campaign will be tweaked as his future is aggrandized.
As Shrub’s presidency ends, many will consider the foolish decisions he made. There will be catalogue after catalogue of the failed policies he mismanaged. There will be assessments of the impact his mistakes had on his presidency and his party. Most will be far too kind. Only a few will be as harsh as the truth suggests they should be.
Many of the messes Shrub made are particularly pervasive, corrosive, and sticky. Plenty will wonder if Hillary Clinton—or anyone—is smart enough, savvy enough, determined enough, as well as talented and lucky enough to make political gold out some of the goo Shrub and his cronies will leave behind.
As teams of bright, passionate, and optimistic people prepare to grab the reigns of the most powerful nation the world has ever seen, optimisms and enthusiasms will flow naturally . . . and far too easily. Let’s hope that many in Clinton’s administration maintain an understanding of history as well as something that resembles balance. Those who do will have to realize how easily it will be for the blowback from the recent past to make a shambles of the present. Most of the problems Shrub faced are now worse because of his response to them. When the hoopla of the election finally fades, sober minds will have to realize that the problems that drowned Shrub’s administration could wreak the same havoc with Hillary’s.
Let’s not forget the obvious. She is smart. She’s savvy. She is very disciplined. She has excellent name recognition. She is intimately connected to the Bill Clinton presidency—a presidency that proliferated many economical and political prosperities. She has been more than competent during her six years in the Senate.
She is a good candidate. Unlike many, she will do the boring things (fundraising and more fundraising) and the painful things (more fundraising and even more fundraising) that are necessary to win.
One of her chief advisors is a former president, and a man who has one of the best political minds ever to step onto the American political stage.
She has assembled a team of experienced and talented pols to attempt to herd the thousand or so clowders of cats that have to be cajoled and charmed—and kicked and threatened—if a candidate intends to play the toughest of all games at the highest levels. She and they have run an excellent campaign.
Edwards and Obama have on occasion bettered her. Two examples include Edwards at The Riverside Church and Obama during the celebration of the March on Selma.
Edwards and Obama may, on occasion, go deep well. But Clinton grinds out the political ground game better than any of the other presidential candidates.
She is either very talented or very lucky.
As a green politician in charge of President Clinton’s health care initiative, Hillary’s tight-ship demeanor angered allies. Her unwillingness to bend now and compromise later made it easy for her foes to challenge and then defeat her efforts.
Her natural eagerness to be part of a pack was one of the many reasons she voted for the war in Iraq.
These were mistakes of the highest order.
Bad decisions—like the ones Hillary Clinton made years ago on health care and being an early supporter of the war in Iraq—usually turn into a sticky and gooey grime that politicians can neither hide nor dilute. Clinton has managed to turn a couple hectares of this glop into a mine rippled with deep, rich veins of experience.
Unlike Clinton, Obama made the right call on the war in Iraq all those years ago. He wisely attempted to make this campaign about judgment—and not experience.
Clinton has outflanked him. To voters, her experience matters more than his far more prescient judgment.
Obama’s entry into the race, and Clinton’s stature in the Senate have reduced Edwards to a third placer—in a country that can barely keep track of two candidates. Edwards has two things Clinton probably never will attain: a folksy likeability, and one issue for which he holds a genuine and deep passion—reducing poverty. But Edwards’ inability to gain traction outside of Iowa and Obama’s entry into the race have prevented Edwards from going head-to-head against the senator from New York.
Edwards and Obama are some of the best politicians to work a large hall in decades. But neither has achieved a similar mastery of the serial press conferences we call debates.
Clinton did.
She has survived the hits that plague every serious candidate. Last August two books were written about her. This allowed many of the sins of her past to be wadded into giant bombshells that were lobbed her way. More recently, one of her more effective money raisers developed a series of legal problems.
She and her team have responded quickly and effectively—without her or the machine suffering significant damage.
Her team has stolen effectively from the Bush 2000 campaign. There have been almost no long and deep discussions about controversial matters. But she has appeared and appeared (and appeared) in forum after forum. She appears to be accessible, but she hasn’t really been all that forthcoming. Unlike her husband, she has can focus like a laser on her message. And unlike most politicians, she is careful to temper whatever passions she has—she has committed no significant verbal miscues.
And she has shown she can triumph over prejudices. Months ago polls showed that Americans would rather elect a black man than a white woman to our nation’s highest office. But still she leads in the national polls.
For voters who favor Democratic policies or simply want change, the best news about the Clinton campaign is that she has neither said nor done things that will scar her deeply during a national political campaign.
Why Guiliani?
For reasons that are difficult to explain, Giuliani will win the Republican nomination.
Do not underestimate this man. He has managed to take one good day—his actions on September 11, 2001 and work them into such a froth that people think he is not only a good politician, but that he is also an effective leader.
Years from now people will still be scratching their heads and wondering aloud how a moderate Republican who is pro-choice, pro gun control, and has a very non-conservative approach to immigration could succeed so long and so well as a Republican presidential candidate.
He is a very savvy politician.
He speaks clearly. He deflects well. He’s projected images of toughness and decisiveness in a world that values the same.
He has been able to position himself above most of the fray.
This creates the calculus that others in the top tier will have maneuver to get what Giuliani never has aggressively sought—the mantle of the standout conservative who is from the conservative wing of the conservative party.
So like all successful politicians he has a good combination of talent (working one issue) and luck (all the others mauling each other to be the one to take on Giuliani).
A couple things will have to happen for Giuliani to succeed. McCain or others may attack Romney. Romney may just flop as the result of many of his earlier flips.
And Thompson must continue to be too timid to unleash the brimstone necessary for him to rise to the top of the top tier.
Whether Romney and the other contenders fold before the South Carolina primary, or someone emerges from the pack to challenge the current Republican leader, Giuliani will triumph.
The Election
The comments Giuliani has made about Iraq and health care and immigration—the same comments that helped him earn the nomination will hurt him a great deal—especially at first. His comments on the Iraq war and health care will hurt him with conservative Democrats and left leaning independents. His comments about immigration will hurt him with the conservatives in his party.
Clinton’s positionings as well as her message of change and hope will help her a great deal—especially at first.
Clinton will talk tough about domestic issues but adopt a play-it-safe policy on Iraq. The war in Iraq will ebb and flow in importance. Health care and apprehensions about the environment will be real assets to Clinton. Controversies about Giuliani’s decisions as mayor of New York and concerns about his lack of foreign policy experience will haunt him. Therefore, as they do in most presidential elections, on the issues, the Democrat will have the illusive high ground with most Americans.
But as it is every election year, Americans and its media will continue to be reluctant to be overly logical or particularly detail oriented. And because of this and other reasons, personality will play a far more important role that it should. Many will love Giuliani’s persona of the tough-guy decider. Hillary’s chilly public demeanor and multifaceted caution will plague her. In matters where personality triumphs, Giuliani will prevail.
Clinton will beat the experience drum.
Giuliani will try to cast thunderclouds of fear over the country.
There will be a lot of gibberish. Pundits will talk and talk (and talk) about whether back-to-back Clinton administrations, followed by back-to-back Bush administrations should be followed by another administration headed by someone named Clinton. There will be a lot of gibberish about what role Bill Clinton will have in a Hillary Clinton administration. A law prevents him from holding a cabinet post, so it is likely he will be an ambassador at-large.
There will be a lot of gibberish about Giuliani wearing dresses, living with gay men, and about his troubled relationships with members of his own family.
Both campaigns will respond to threats quickly, run successful ads, and campaign heavily in what the punditocracy will call the purple states.
The senator from New York will be admired for doing so well and being liked so little. The former mayor of New York City will be admired for doing so well while running against so many classic Republican policies.
Women, Hispanics, voters with graduate degrees, and many young people will support Clinton—often with what some might even call passion. Huge numbers of white men will line up behind Giuliani. And in November 2008 Clinton will be elected president.
In retrospect, to many it will not appear ever to have been all that close. But this will be a deception only fools and diehard Clinton supporters will embrace.
And it’s Aftermath
After the election, America will pat itself on the back—and almost every other part of its metaphorical anatomy—for being so open to a women—and a black. A more intelligent response will be from those who wonder why it took so long a woman or a black to reach so high and travel so far. Votes cast by Hispanics in the election will provoke many to use the words like “sea change” and “transformational.” The realities of Obama’s campaign will be tweaked as his future is aggrandized.
As Shrub’s presidency ends, many will consider the foolish decisions he made. There will be catalogue after catalogue of the failed policies he mismanaged. There will be assessments of the impact his mistakes had on his presidency and his party. Most will be far too kind. Only a few will be as harsh as the truth suggests they should be.
Many of the messes Shrub made are particularly pervasive, corrosive, and sticky. Plenty will wonder if Hillary Clinton—or anyone—is smart enough, savvy enough, determined enough, as well as talented and lucky enough to make political gold out some of the goo Shrub and his cronies will leave behind.
As teams of bright, passionate, and optimistic people prepare to grab the reigns of the most powerful nation the world has ever seen, optimisms and enthusiasms will flow naturally . . . and far too easily. Let’s hope that many in Clinton’s administration maintain an understanding of history as well as something that resembles balance. Those who do will have to realize how easily it will be for the blowback from the recent past to make a shambles of the present. Most of the problems Shrub faced are now worse because of his response to them. When the hoopla of the election finally fades, sober minds will have to realize that the problems that drowned Shrub’s administration could wreak the same havoc with Hillary’s.
Friday, June 29, 2007
A Conversation from an Undisclosed Location
The other day Dick Cheney had an interesting conversation with one of his aides. The aide meant well. The aide meant to help the Veep create some talking points for a critique that could come up.
The aide began, “Well a Mr. Vice President, we need to brainstorm some strategies for questions that may come up.”
Cheney replied, “Good idea. By the way, as far as the media is concerned, where am I today?”
The aide responded, “Sir, per your directions you are at an undisclosed location.”
Cheney said, “Good. I heard a joke the other day. That shows I have a sense of humor doesn’t it?”
The aide replied, “Well sir, I think simply hearing a joke is not really evidence—”
Cheney barked back, “Course it is.”
The aide responded, “Very well sir.”
Cheney said, “The comic said that I will be the only person to be buried at an undisclosed location.”
The aide snickered.
Cheney asserted, “See, I do have a sense of humor.”
The aide said, “Right sir.”
Angers Easily
Cheney gave the aide an order, “Compile a list of people who have been buried at undisclosed locations.”
The aide responded quickly, “Right sir.”
Then Cheney said, “And look in to it.”
The aide asked, “What sir?”
Cheney replied, “Getting buried in an undisclosed location you idiot!”
The aide looked at his list. It was titled “Qualities of a Psychopath.” The first item on the list was, “Penchant for secrecy.” He frowned. Then he said, “Right sir. Now, if I may. The last few days have not been good days for you in the media.”
Cheney responded, “What do you mean?”
The aide commented, “Comments about your office not being entirely in the executive branch—well sir, these comments have the chattering classes chattering.”
Cheney’s face turned red. Then he shouted an expletive.
The aide looked at his list that noted the qualities of a psychopath. The second item on the list was, “Angers easily.” He shook his head. Then he said, “I have here before me a list of qualities.”
Cheney said, “Get to the point man. Get to the point.”
The aide looked at the list. The third item on the list was “impatient.” The aide said, “We need to be prepared for this sir. We need to be prepared—probably even with jokes.”
Cheney responded quickly, “Jokes? What am I supposed to be some sort of entertainer? Americans want tough politicians, if they wanted jokesters, they would elect wimpy Democrats—not strong, virile manly Republicans.”
The aide responded, “Right sir. Still we must develop some strategies.”
Cheney said, “Strategy smategy. Bring in the army. Mow em down. Raise the flag. Praise mothers. Play the national anthem.”
Meekly the aide said, “Sir, this list of qualities I have. Sir, they deal with specific physiological issues.”
Cheney shouted back, “Wimpy Democrat talk!”
The aide responded, “Precisely sir. The aide looked at his list. The next item on it was, ‘Veers off track easily.’”
Cheney’s face turned red. He stormed about his office. “Don’t these wimpy Democrats have anything better to do than come up with idiotic ideas?”
The aide whispered, “Sir the list wasn’t made by a Democrat.”
Cheney uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Then he said, “Independents!”
Press Find Something?
The aide cleared his throat. He gathered his courage, then he said, “Sir, the list was created by an expert. And he’s a Republican. That’s part of the problem. There’s more bad news. The list is all over the Internet. It’s so easy to find that we think that even the media will stumble onto it.”
Cheney shot back, “The media find something? You’ve got to be kidding!” Quickly Cheney rattled off a list of things the administration had done that the media had not yet discovered.
The aide said, “Sadly sir all kinds of computer searches lead to this list. Somehow it got tangled up with nude pictures of Paris Hilton.”
Cheney slammed his hand into his fist. Then he said, “Damn, they’re sure to find it then.”
Cheney paced. Then he said, “Okay, let’s have at it.”
The aide responded, “I have before me qualities. Sir, this may be difficult to take sir.”
Cheney said, “I’m tough.”
The aide continued, “Well sir. I have before me ‘Qualities of a Psychopath.’ ”
Cheney chuckled. “Who says I don’t have a sense of humor?” He chuckled again. “Describes Hillary doesn’t it?”
The aide looked away.
Cheney stopped pacing and stared at the view. He said, “Wyoming is great this time of year.”
The aide responded, “Sir our time is almost up. And we must get to this.”
Cheney asked the aide, “Do you hunt?”
The aide looked at his list. He looked at Cheney. He shook his head. He cleared his throat. “Sir, according to this list sir, psychopaths tend to avoid questions. They tend to avoid taking responsibility.”
Cheney said, “Nonsense. Look how I took responsibility for shooting my buddy.”
The aide responded, “Sir, the wimpy Democrats will respond that you waited a long time to address that sir.”
Cheney swore. He uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Cheney paced. His face turned red again. He pounded one fist into another again. Cheney uttered an expletive about what wimpy Democrats should do to themselves.
The aide responded, “Another good idea sir. But if you will look at the next item on the list, it says, ‘They fly into rages.’ ”
Cheney stormed about his office. His face turned red. He pounded one fist into the other. “You think this is a rage? I’ll show you a rage!”
Remorse
The aide responded, “Sir, I don’t think that will be necessary. This next one could prove difficult.” The aide cleared his throat again. Then he said,“ ‘Psychopath’s lack remorse.’ ”
Cheney shouted, “Remorse! What is this poppycock? I showed remorse after I shot my friend.”
The aide said, “Wimpy democrats will point to the number of civilians killed in the Iraq war. They will say that most days more civilians are killed. They will suggest that our numbers about the civilian dead in Iraq are very conservative. They will make a case that you have not shown remorse on this matter.”
Cheney continued to pace. He was not talking now, he was shouting, “I showed sorrow. Go dig up some picture of me.”
The aide asked, “Picture?”
Cheney responded, “There’s one where I’m with President Ford . . . and we’re together . . . and I was crying.”
The aide said, “Sir, you were watching a football game.”
Cheney nodded. “It was a horrible day.”
The aide continued, “A team from Wyoming lost in the last seconds.”
Cheney said, “That’s remorse.”
The aide added, “Right sir.”
Cheney said, “Good work. Hit em when they’re not ready. Release the picture before the end of the day. Say it’s a routine thing. That’ll show remorse—if this remorse thing comes up.”
Cheney smiled.
The aide smiled.
Cheney continued, “This idea to inoculate me against this idiot charge that I’m a psychopath. This is an excellent idea I had isn’t it?”
The aide said, “Well yes it would be sir, if it was your idea.”
Cheney: “What’s the next thing on your list?”
The aide suddenly found the view out the window interesting. Cheney asked what the next item on the list was.
The aide said that he really must be going.
Cheney barked, “What’s the next thing on your” he uttered an expletive “list?”
In a whisper the aide said, “Takes credit for the work of others.”
Quickly Cheney said, “Let’s move along. I’ve got a parade or something to go to don’t I?”
The aide said, “Yes sir. Some passionate supporters wish to throw a celebration for you.”
Cheney’s chest puffed up, and he smiled. “Ah yes.”
“It’s to celebrate a comment you made about the war in Iraq. You made the comment during the run up to the war in Iraq.”
Cheney said, “Ahh those were the days.”
The aide continued. “Sir a party hack . . . a party official found a picture of an Iraqi hugging an American soldier. A group want to celebrate the comment you made about how the Iraqi’s will welcome us as liberators.”
Cheney stared out the window for a while. Eventually he mumbled, “May not be a good idea to celebrate that.”
The aide added, “Your supporters are very excited about the event sir.”
Hen’s Teeth
Cheney smiled, “Well it would be unwise not to yield to the wishes of our loyal supporters.”
The aide responded, “Especially now sir. Especially considering your supporters are about as rare as hen’s teeth.”
Cheney turned to face the aide, “I just saw a pile of hen’s teeth. Thousands of the things. It’s a myth that they’re rare. “
The aide responded “Right sir.”
Cheney started pacing again. “We should gather more of them. Store them at—”
Excitedly the aide added, “At one of your undisclosed locations.”
Cheney smiled. “Very good! I’m glad I thought of that.”
The aide said, “Sir I do recall. Well there was something over a year ago. Scientists induced chickens to grow teeth.”
Cheney added, “Of course they did! Was it one of those amazing tobacco scientists who can’t find smoking causes cancer?”
The aide shook his head.
Cheney asked, “One of those National Rifle Association scientists who show that guns don’t promote violence?”
The aide said, “No sir. One of the scientists was from the University of Wisconsin. He and others claim that growing teeth in chickens will help us understand evolution more.”
Cheney screamed at the aide. “We aren’t using that word in this office you idiot!”
The aide panicked. The aide’s mind raced as he wondered what word he was not supposed to use. Then he remembered. “Sorry sir. I won’t use the ‘e’ word again.”
The aide looked at the list. He frowned. He said, “I think discussing the rest of the items on this list. Well sir, I don’ think that would be very productive.” The aide looked at watch. “And besides sir, we’re just about out of time.”
Cheney said, “Hen’s teeth. Good idea. Get right on it. Collect a lot of em.”
The aide said, “Right sir. The next item on your schedule has you attending an event.”
Cheney said, “Oh really.”
The aide replied, “Yes sir. It should be fun. Ann Coulter is opening a charm school.”
The aide began, “Well a Mr. Vice President, we need to brainstorm some strategies for questions that may come up.”
Cheney replied, “Good idea. By the way, as far as the media is concerned, where am I today?”
The aide responded, “Sir, per your directions you are at an undisclosed location.”
Cheney said, “Good. I heard a joke the other day. That shows I have a sense of humor doesn’t it?”
The aide replied, “Well sir, I think simply hearing a joke is not really evidence—”
Cheney barked back, “Course it is.”
The aide responded, “Very well sir.”
Cheney said, “The comic said that I will be the only person to be buried at an undisclosed location.”
The aide snickered.
Cheney asserted, “See, I do have a sense of humor.”
The aide said, “Right sir.”
Angers Easily
Cheney gave the aide an order, “Compile a list of people who have been buried at undisclosed locations.”
The aide responded quickly, “Right sir.”
Then Cheney said, “And look in to it.”
The aide asked, “What sir?”
Cheney replied, “Getting buried in an undisclosed location you idiot!”
The aide looked at his list. It was titled “Qualities of a Psychopath.” The first item on the list was, “Penchant for secrecy.” He frowned. Then he said, “Right sir. Now, if I may. The last few days have not been good days for you in the media.”
Cheney responded, “What do you mean?”
The aide commented, “Comments about your office not being entirely in the executive branch—well sir, these comments have the chattering classes chattering.”
Cheney’s face turned red. Then he shouted an expletive.
The aide looked at his list that noted the qualities of a psychopath. The second item on the list was, “Angers easily.” He shook his head. Then he said, “I have here before me a list of qualities.”
Cheney said, “Get to the point man. Get to the point.”
The aide looked at the list. The third item on the list was “impatient.” The aide said, “We need to be prepared for this sir. We need to be prepared—probably even with jokes.”
Cheney responded quickly, “Jokes? What am I supposed to be some sort of entertainer? Americans want tough politicians, if they wanted jokesters, they would elect wimpy Democrats—not strong, virile manly Republicans.”
The aide responded, “Right sir. Still we must develop some strategies.”
Cheney said, “Strategy smategy. Bring in the army. Mow em down. Raise the flag. Praise mothers. Play the national anthem.”
Meekly the aide said, “Sir, this list of qualities I have. Sir, they deal with specific physiological issues.”
Cheney shouted back, “Wimpy Democrat talk!”
The aide responded, “Precisely sir. The aide looked at his list. The next item on it was, ‘Veers off track easily.’”
Cheney’s face turned red. He stormed about his office. “Don’t these wimpy Democrats have anything better to do than come up with idiotic ideas?”
The aide whispered, “Sir the list wasn’t made by a Democrat.”
Cheney uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Then he said, “Independents!”
Press Find Something?
The aide cleared his throat. He gathered his courage, then he said, “Sir, the list was created by an expert. And he’s a Republican. That’s part of the problem. There’s more bad news. The list is all over the Internet. It’s so easy to find that we think that even the media will stumble onto it.”
Cheney shot back, “The media find something? You’ve got to be kidding!” Quickly Cheney rattled off a list of things the administration had done that the media had not yet discovered.
The aide said, “Sadly sir all kinds of computer searches lead to this list. Somehow it got tangled up with nude pictures of Paris Hilton.”
Cheney slammed his hand into his fist. Then he said, “Damn, they’re sure to find it then.”
Cheney paced. Then he said, “Okay, let’s have at it.”
The aide responded, “I have before me qualities. Sir, this may be difficult to take sir.”
Cheney said, “I’m tough.”
The aide continued, “Well sir. I have before me ‘Qualities of a Psychopath.’ ”
Cheney chuckled. “Who says I don’t have a sense of humor?” He chuckled again. “Describes Hillary doesn’t it?”
The aide looked away.
Cheney stopped pacing and stared at the view. He said, “Wyoming is great this time of year.”
The aide responded, “Sir our time is almost up. And we must get to this.”
Cheney asked the aide, “Do you hunt?”
The aide looked at his list. He looked at Cheney. He shook his head. He cleared his throat. “Sir, according to this list sir, psychopaths tend to avoid questions. They tend to avoid taking responsibility.”
Cheney said, “Nonsense. Look how I took responsibility for shooting my buddy.”
The aide responded, “Sir, the wimpy Democrats will respond that you waited a long time to address that sir.”
Cheney swore. He uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Cheney paced. His face turned red again. He pounded one fist into another again. Cheney uttered an expletive about what wimpy Democrats should do to themselves.
The aide responded, “Another good idea sir. But if you will look at the next item on the list, it says, ‘They fly into rages.’ ”
Cheney stormed about his office. His face turned red. He pounded one fist into the other. “You think this is a rage? I’ll show you a rage!”
Remorse
The aide responded, “Sir, I don’t think that will be necessary. This next one could prove difficult.” The aide cleared his throat again. Then he said,“ ‘Psychopath’s lack remorse.’ ”
Cheney shouted, “Remorse! What is this poppycock? I showed remorse after I shot my friend.”
The aide said, “Wimpy democrats will point to the number of civilians killed in the Iraq war. They will say that most days more civilians are killed. They will suggest that our numbers about the civilian dead in Iraq are very conservative. They will make a case that you have not shown remorse on this matter.”
Cheney continued to pace. He was not talking now, he was shouting, “I showed sorrow. Go dig up some picture of me.”
The aide asked, “Picture?”
Cheney responded, “There’s one where I’m with President Ford . . . and we’re together . . . and I was crying.”
The aide said, “Sir, you were watching a football game.”
Cheney nodded. “It was a horrible day.”
The aide continued, “A team from Wyoming lost in the last seconds.”
Cheney said, “That’s remorse.”
The aide added, “Right sir.”
Cheney said, “Good work. Hit em when they’re not ready. Release the picture before the end of the day. Say it’s a routine thing. That’ll show remorse—if this remorse thing comes up.”
Cheney smiled.
The aide smiled.
Cheney continued, “This idea to inoculate me against this idiot charge that I’m a psychopath. This is an excellent idea I had isn’t it?”
The aide said, “Well yes it would be sir, if it was your idea.”
Cheney: “What’s the next thing on your list?”
The aide suddenly found the view out the window interesting. Cheney asked what the next item on the list was.
The aide said that he really must be going.
Cheney barked, “What’s the next thing on your” he uttered an expletive “list?”
In a whisper the aide said, “Takes credit for the work of others.”
Quickly Cheney said, “Let’s move along. I’ve got a parade or something to go to don’t I?”
The aide said, “Yes sir. Some passionate supporters wish to throw a celebration for you.”
Cheney’s chest puffed up, and he smiled. “Ah yes.”
“It’s to celebrate a comment you made about the war in Iraq. You made the comment during the run up to the war in Iraq.”
Cheney said, “Ahh those were the days.”
The aide continued. “Sir a party hack . . . a party official found a picture of an Iraqi hugging an American soldier. A group want to celebrate the comment you made about how the Iraqi’s will welcome us as liberators.”
Cheney stared out the window for a while. Eventually he mumbled, “May not be a good idea to celebrate that.”
The aide added, “Your supporters are very excited about the event sir.”
Hen’s Teeth
Cheney smiled, “Well it would be unwise not to yield to the wishes of our loyal supporters.”
The aide responded, “Especially now sir. Especially considering your supporters are about as rare as hen’s teeth.”
Cheney turned to face the aide, “I just saw a pile of hen’s teeth. Thousands of the things. It’s a myth that they’re rare. “
The aide responded “Right sir.”
Cheney started pacing again. “We should gather more of them. Store them at—”
Excitedly the aide added, “At one of your undisclosed locations.”
Cheney smiled. “Very good! I’m glad I thought of that.”
The aide said, “Sir I do recall. Well there was something over a year ago. Scientists induced chickens to grow teeth.”
Cheney added, “Of course they did! Was it one of those amazing tobacco scientists who can’t find smoking causes cancer?”
The aide shook his head.
Cheney asked, “One of those National Rifle Association scientists who show that guns don’t promote violence?”
The aide said, “No sir. One of the scientists was from the University of Wisconsin. He and others claim that growing teeth in chickens will help us understand evolution more.”
Cheney screamed at the aide. “We aren’t using that word in this office you idiot!”
The aide panicked. The aide’s mind raced as he wondered what word he was not supposed to use. Then he remembered. “Sorry sir. I won’t use the ‘e’ word again.”
The aide looked at the list. He frowned. He said, “I think discussing the rest of the items on this list. Well sir, I don’ think that would be very productive.” The aide looked at watch. “And besides sir, we’re just about out of time.”
Cheney said, “Hen’s teeth. Good idea. Get right on it. Collect a lot of em.”
The aide said, “Right sir. The next item on your schedule has you attending an event.”
Cheney said, “Oh really.”
The aide replied, “Yes sir. It should be fun. Ann Coulter is opening a charm school.”
Monday, June 25, 2007
Logic 101 and the Libby Pardon
Professor Smith ended the previous class stating, “Next time we will discuss the appeals that Scooter Libby be pardoned.”
The members of the class groaned.
Smith’s announcement meant they would have to do homework. They would have to do research. They would have to think.
Professor Smith began the next class, “Harrington, background please.”
Harrington said, “Scooter Libby used to the chief of staff of the Vice President, Dick Cheney. Recently, Scooter Libby was convicted on three counts of perjury and one count of providing false statements. This last count often is correctly reported as obstructing justice.”
Professor Smith commented, “It is often a foolish act to try to comment in a logical manner about illogical actions. Therefore, it is often a foolhardy act to comment in a logical manner about American politics.
“But there is a strange aspect about these appeals that Libby be pardoned. If you examine the strategies rigorously, some of the sillinesses at play really do turn out to make sense. However, there are a host of comic incendiaries and a series of irrational land mines along the way.”
Professor Smith asked a student to state one of the arguments that Libby be pardoned.
Some Arguments
Fontella raised her hand, “One argument to pardon Libby is that there was no underlying crime.”
“Repsonse?”
Fontella continued, “This is nonsense. Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. That there was no guilty verdict on some other crime that led to the other charges is irrelevant.”
Professor Smith smiled.
Fontella smiled.
Alicia raised her hand, “Some suggest Libby should be pardoned because Libby wasn’t responsible for the original actions against Valerie Plame. It is the comments about Plame that started the complex series of events that led to the Libby trial.
“But this argument also is ludicrous. Let’s say Joe and Moe rob a bank. Joe and Moe are not caught. But Scooter lies to law enforcement officials about what he knows about Joe and Moe. In that scenario, Scooter still has committed a crime. And Scooter’s crime is still a crime even if Scooter had nothing to do with Joe and Moe’s crime.”
Professor Smith and Alicia smiled.
“No crime has been committed”
Professor Smith continued, “Hang in there. It gets sillier. Can anyone tell me what Fred Thompson said on this matter?”
Michael raised his hand, “Fred Thompson is running for the Republican presidential nomination. But he is not yet officially running. He has positioned himself as a conservative. He used be a senator. He used to star on TV’s Law & Order. About the chargers made against Scooter Libby, Thompson said, “It was obvious to me that no crime had been committed.”
Smith interrupted. “Hereafter, you may refer to Mr. Thompson as Law and Order Fred.”
Many in the class laughed.
Michael didn’t laugh. Michael has been in college for over three years. He has learned to throw a Frisbee (and so has passed the graduation requirement for many colleges and some universities). He has smoked pot. He has had his first sexual experiences. Michael even has learned one of the hardest lessons in life, he has learned to like dorm food. But poor Michael remains an overly serious young man. He did not laugh.
When the laughter died down, Michael continued, “Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. Thompson also suggested that the special prosecutor process is unfair. Few things in life are perfectly fair. But the process the special prosecutor’s actions were legal. Legally,
Thompson’s arguments don’t amount to a hill of beans.”
Smith asked, “Anyone have a response?”
Louise sat in the back row. Her feet were on the chair in front of her. She said, “There is of course the absurdist defense. It goes something like this, This is American politics. It doesn’t have to make sense.”
Most students laughed. Smith smiled.
Pandering
A student that others called Goodytwoshoes raised her hand. She cleared her throat and then said, “The people making the argument to pardon Libby are in positions of influence. But unlike presidents and legislators, few have to answer for the influence they exert. So to some degree they can say what they want. They don’t have to act on what they say. This puts them in a perfect position to pander.”
Goodytwoshoes continued, “These arguments do make some sense if you bring in the idea of pandering. Clearly, the people making these arguments are playing to their base. Or, if you prefer, they’re pandering. Pandering does energize a party’s voters. It does make headlines. It does persuade voters to give money, to support you, and to get others to do the same.”
Law and Order?
A disheveled student who hadn’t shaved in a week said, “Many of the same conservatives who are arguing that Libby should be pardoned get very hot and bothered about illegal immigrants. Many conservatives use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe a process that does not provide amnesty. They use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe an aspect of an immigration bill that has been proposed. It would require illegal immigrants to pay a very hefty fine and file paperwork with a bureaucracy that is far worse than your local not-so-friendly DMV. The word ‘amnesty’ is being used to describe a process that forces people to deal with a bureaucracy that in many ways doles out more than its fair share of cruel and unusual punishment.”
Professor Smith replied, “Once again Mr. Poole, thank you for dropping in your weekly joke about the DMV. The members of the class also thank you for your daily attempt to steer the discussion away from the topic.”
Poole took a little bow and smiled.
Smith continued, “We will return from our diversion. Are there other arguments put forward to pardon Mr. Libby?”
The Fall Guy
Candice raised her hand. “Another argument is that pardoning Libby will end speculation about Libby being the fall guy. This too is nonsense. If people want to speculate about Libby being the fall guy for actions by Bush, Cheney, and or others, people will speculate. It is even logical to assume that a Libby pardon will give credibility to those who argue that Libby was a fall guy. This would increase speculation . . . not suppress it.”
Smith asked, “No doubt there are other arguments. But for now let’s look at the larger picture. What do all of these arguments miss?”
Poole replied, “Anything logical.”
Smith responded, “Yes.”
Jaunita raised her hand, “The general standards for any presidential pardon are that the convict has expressed remorse and has served time in jail.”
Smith added, “And why have these elements not been included in the arguments that have been made to pardon Mr. Libby?”
Jaunita continued, “There’s no connection. Libby has not expressed remorse. Libby has not yet served jail time.”
Smith nodded. “Very good. The next step in our discussion is obvious.”
Judge Sentelle
None of the students moved.
Smith said, “Mr. Poole, what’s wrong with lawyer jokes?”
“Lawyers don’t think they’re funny. And people who aren’t lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.”
Smith asked, “Chantelle, What does a lawyer use for birth control?”
“The only lawyer I know uses his personality.”
Smith asked, “Mr. Carlton, A dead dog is on the road. On the same road there also is a dead lawyer. What’s the difference between a dead dog and the dead lawyer?”
“There are skid marks in front of the dog.”
Except for poor Michael, the students laughed at the lawyer jokes. Poor Michael had the sense of humor usually allotted to aardvarks, network studio executives, and dead mules.
Smith continued, “Connection?”
Carlton raised his hand, “Mr. Libby has lawyers. They will appeal.”
Smith nodded. “Where is it most likely this verdict will be overturned?”
Chantelle raised her hand, “President Regan was careful to appoint Judge David Sentelle to the appeals court that will hear cases tried in the DC area. Sentelle is a conservative. Sentelle was one of the judges who overturned the convictions of Oliver North and John Poindexter during Iran Contra. Sentelle was one of the judges who appointed Ken Starr to investigate Bill Clinton. And on the appeals court where Sentelle serves, only two of the three votes cast are needed to overturn a conviction.”
Smith added, “Let’s consider two scenarios. In one, the Libby verdict is overturned. In another, Bush pardons Libby. Given either of these scenarios, how do all these illogical calls for a pardon become, in some way, logical?”
No student raised a hand.
This makes sense?
Professor Smith paced a little then continued, “If you drill down deep enough, all this noise about Libby does . . . in some way . . . make sense.”
No student raised a hand.
Smith continued, “All this illogical noise about Libby is now part of the public dialogue. Illogical, silly, and dysfunctional as this conversation is, it is in the public arena. Therefore . . ..”
Poole raised his hand, “In some way it will provide political cover if Libby’s conviction is overturned . . . or if he is pardoned.”
“And what is another word for this political cover?”
“Camouflage.”
“And additionally?”
“These organs have all but shouted to the world that should a verdict be overturned or a pardon be issued, that they will again restate their opinions on these matters.” Poole smiled.
Smith continued, “Thank you Mr. Poole. I can see this class has not been an entire waste of time for you.”
Smith smiled. “Good. Next class be prepared to discuss vacuous truths, dumb blonde jokes, and Paris Hilton.”
Better Late than Never
Since 1989 automakers have been required to produce automobiles that get on average 27.5 miles per gallon. SUV’s and small trucks were somehow considered not to be automobiles and were allowed to get, on average, 22.2 mpg. Last week the Senate approved new standards. By 2020 all vehicles will have to get, on average, 35 miles per gallon. By 2015 half the new vehicles will have to run on 85% ethanol.
It is not certain that the House will pass the measure or if the President will sign it.
Clearly, national security concerns over imported oil, global warming, and the high price of gas helped moved many who for years had opposed such legislation to now support it. It certainly is a start. In the diseased world we live in this was heralded as good news. But such comments are far too polite: actions like this should have been taken years ago.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show, It's a great day for Hillary Clinton. She chose a song for her campaign. She's chosen a song by Celine Dion. ... Is that wise, choosing a Celine Dion song? Cause you know, she is a singer best known for the theme to a sinking ship? It's not really what you want to do.
The members of the class groaned.
Smith’s announcement meant they would have to do homework. They would have to do research. They would have to think.
Professor Smith began the next class, “Harrington, background please.”
Harrington said, “Scooter Libby used to the chief of staff of the Vice President, Dick Cheney. Recently, Scooter Libby was convicted on three counts of perjury and one count of providing false statements. This last count often is correctly reported as obstructing justice.”
Professor Smith commented, “It is often a foolish act to try to comment in a logical manner about illogical actions. Therefore, it is often a foolhardy act to comment in a logical manner about American politics.
“But there is a strange aspect about these appeals that Libby be pardoned. If you examine the strategies rigorously, some of the sillinesses at play really do turn out to make sense. However, there are a host of comic incendiaries and a series of irrational land mines along the way.”
Professor Smith asked a student to state one of the arguments that Libby be pardoned.
Some Arguments
Fontella raised her hand, “One argument to pardon Libby is that there was no underlying crime.”
“Repsonse?”
Fontella continued, “This is nonsense. Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. That there was no guilty verdict on some other crime that led to the other charges is irrelevant.”
Professor Smith smiled.
Fontella smiled.
Alicia raised her hand, “Some suggest Libby should be pardoned because Libby wasn’t responsible for the original actions against Valerie Plame. It is the comments about Plame that started the complex series of events that led to the Libby trial.
“But this argument also is ludicrous. Let’s say Joe and Moe rob a bank. Joe and Moe are not caught. But Scooter lies to law enforcement officials about what he knows about Joe and Moe. In that scenario, Scooter still has committed a crime. And Scooter’s crime is still a crime even if Scooter had nothing to do with Joe and Moe’s crime.”
Professor Smith and Alicia smiled.
“No crime has been committed”
Professor Smith continued, “Hang in there. It gets sillier. Can anyone tell me what Fred Thompson said on this matter?”
Michael raised his hand, “Fred Thompson is running for the Republican presidential nomination. But he is not yet officially running. He has positioned himself as a conservative. He used be a senator. He used to star on TV’s Law & Order. About the chargers made against Scooter Libby, Thompson said, “It was obvious to me that no crime had been committed.”
Smith interrupted. “Hereafter, you may refer to Mr. Thompson as Law and Order Fred.”
Many in the class laughed.
Michael didn’t laugh. Michael has been in college for over three years. He has learned to throw a Frisbee (and so has passed the graduation requirement for many colleges and some universities). He has smoked pot. He has had his first sexual experiences. Michael even has learned one of the hardest lessons in life, he has learned to like dorm food. But poor Michael remains an overly serious young man. He did not laugh.
When the laughter died down, Michael continued, “Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. Thompson also suggested that the special prosecutor process is unfair. Few things in life are perfectly fair. But the process the special prosecutor’s actions were legal. Legally,
Thompson’s arguments don’t amount to a hill of beans.”
Smith asked, “Anyone have a response?”
Louise sat in the back row. Her feet were on the chair in front of her. She said, “There is of course the absurdist defense. It goes something like this, This is American politics. It doesn’t have to make sense.”
Most students laughed. Smith smiled.
Pandering
A student that others called Goodytwoshoes raised her hand. She cleared her throat and then said, “The people making the argument to pardon Libby are in positions of influence. But unlike presidents and legislators, few have to answer for the influence they exert. So to some degree they can say what they want. They don’t have to act on what they say. This puts them in a perfect position to pander.”
Goodytwoshoes continued, “These arguments do make some sense if you bring in the idea of pandering. Clearly, the people making these arguments are playing to their base. Or, if you prefer, they’re pandering. Pandering does energize a party’s voters. It does make headlines. It does persuade voters to give money, to support you, and to get others to do the same.”
Law and Order?
A disheveled student who hadn’t shaved in a week said, “Many of the same conservatives who are arguing that Libby should be pardoned get very hot and bothered about illegal immigrants. Many conservatives use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe a process that does not provide amnesty. They use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe an aspect of an immigration bill that has been proposed. It would require illegal immigrants to pay a very hefty fine and file paperwork with a bureaucracy that is far worse than your local not-so-friendly DMV. The word ‘amnesty’ is being used to describe a process that forces people to deal with a bureaucracy that in many ways doles out more than its fair share of cruel and unusual punishment.”
Professor Smith replied, “Once again Mr. Poole, thank you for dropping in your weekly joke about the DMV. The members of the class also thank you for your daily attempt to steer the discussion away from the topic.”
Poole took a little bow and smiled.
Smith continued, “We will return from our diversion. Are there other arguments put forward to pardon Mr. Libby?”
The Fall Guy
Candice raised her hand. “Another argument is that pardoning Libby will end speculation about Libby being the fall guy. This too is nonsense. If people want to speculate about Libby being the fall guy for actions by Bush, Cheney, and or others, people will speculate. It is even logical to assume that a Libby pardon will give credibility to those who argue that Libby was a fall guy. This would increase speculation . . . not suppress it.”
Smith asked, “No doubt there are other arguments. But for now let’s look at the larger picture. What do all of these arguments miss?”
Poole replied, “Anything logical.”
Smith responded, “Yes.”
Jaunita raised her hand, “The general standards for any presidential pardon are that the convict has expressed remorse and has served time in jail.”
Smith added, “And why have these elements not been included in the arguments that have been made to pardon Mr. Libby?”
Jaunita continued, “There’s no connection. Libby has not expressed remorse. Libby has not yet served jail time.”
Smith nodded. “Very good. The next step in our discussion is obvious.”
Judge Sentelle
None of the students moved.
Smith said, “Mr. Poole, what’s wrong with lawyer jokes?”
“Lawyers don’t think they’re funny. And people who aren’t lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.”
Smith asked, “Chantelle, What does a lawyer use for birth control?”
“The only lawyer I know uses his personality.”
Smith asked, “Mr. Carlton, A dead dog is on the road. On the same road there also is a dead lawyer. What’s the difference between a dead dog and the dead lawyer?”
“There are skid marks in front of the dog.”
Except for poor Michael, the students laughed at the lawyer jokes. Poor Michael had the sense of humor usually allotted to aardvarks, network studio executives, and dead mules.
Smith continued, “Connection?”
Carlton raised his hand, “Mr. Libby has lawyers. They will appeal.”
Smith nodded. “Where is it most likely this verdict will be overturned?”
Chantelle raised her hand, “President Regan was careful to appoint Judge David Sentelle to the appeals court that will hear cases tried in the DC area. Sentelle is a conservative. Sentelle was one of the judges who overturned the convictions of Oliver North and John Poindexter during Iran Contra. Sentelle was one of the judges who appointed Ken Starr to investigate Bill Clinton. And on the appeals court where Sentelle serves, only two of the three votes cast are needed to overturn a conviction.”
Smith added, “Let’s consider two scenarios. In one, the Libby verdict is overturned. In another, Bush pardons Libby. Given either of these scenarios, how do all these illogical calls for a pardon become, in some way, logical?”
No student raised a hand.
This makes sense?
Professor Smith paced a little then continued, “If you drill down deep enough, all this noise about Libby does . . . in some way . . . make sense.”
No student raised a hand.
Smith continued, “All this illogical noise about Libby is now part of the public dialogue. Illogical, silly, and dysfunctional as this conversation is, it is in the public arena. Therefore . . ..”
Poole raised his hand, “In some way it will provide political cover if Libby’s conviction is overturned . . . or if he is pardoned.”
“And what is another word for this political cover?”
“Camouflage.”
“And additionally?”
“These organs have all but shouted to the world that should a verdict be overturned or a pardon be issued, that they will again restate their opinions on these matters.” Poole smiled.
Smith continued, “Thank you Mr. Poole. I can see this class has not been an entire waste of time for you.”
Smith smiled. “Good. Next class be prepared to discuss vacuous truths, dumb blonde jokes, and Paris Hilton.”
Better Late than Never
Since 1989 automakers have been required to produce automobiles that get on average 27.5 miles per gallon. SUV’s and small trucks were somehow considered not to be automobiles and were allowed to get, on average, 22.2 mpg. Last week the Senate approved new standards. By 2020 all vehicles will have to get, on average, 35 miles per gallon. By 2015 half the new vehicles will have to run on 85% ethanol.
It is not certain that the House will pass the measure or if the President will sign it.
Clearly, national security concerns over imported oil, global warming, and the high price of gas helped moved many who for years had opposed such legislation to now support it. It certainly is a start. In the diseased world we live in this was heralded as good news. But such comments are far too polite: actions like this should have been taken years ago.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show, It's a great day for Hillary Clinton. She chose a song for her campaign. She's chosen a song by Celine Dion. ... Is that wise, choosing a Celine Dion song? Cause you know, she is a singer best known for the theme to a sinking ship? It's not really what you want to do.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Father's Day 2050
Idiots of the Week
Once again the prize goes to the US media. As they should be, the media and the chattering classes are doing stories about the report card Shrub’s Administration will issue about the war in Iraq. Frequently the phrase “militarily and politically” are being used. This is a good thing. It implies that the media is doing stories and the pundits are considering more than simply the military efforts in Iraq. It implies that the report card should also consider how well the Iraqi government is performing.
There is other good news.
Many are suggesting that the actions and comments by Shrub and his lieutenants imply that whatever the news from Iraq, the Shrub Administration will argue that it is too early to tell if the surge is working. Reports and commentary suggest that whatever the news is in September that Shrub will do all he can to keep the war going. This way mopping up the mess will be left to another administration. The clearest evidence to support this theory are comments Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, made last week, “I have warned from the very beginning about expecting some sort of magical thing to happen in September.”
The Fault Dear Media
But as they have in the past, the US media and particularly the punditocracy are making a horrible mistake.
There’ s not nearly enough talk about two other components to the war. If the US is to succeed in Iraq, four things have to happen. The first two have been given attention in the media: the US military has to suppress the insurgency, the Iraqi government has to be a dynamic, positive, and competent force in the country.
The other two components of success have not: the status of the Iraqi security forces (its army and police force) and the status of the Iraqi infrastructure. The Iraqi security forces will have to standup and take charge when US troops leave. And when the US leaves, a competent infrastructure has to be operational so that essential goods and services are delivered routinely: Iraqi’s need to have electricity as well as easy access to food, water, and clothing. Their sewage systems have to work. Their oil and other industries have to produce revenues.
It is easy to understand why Shrub and his administration have no desire to talk about the Iraqi security forces and the Iraqi infrastructure—there’s very little progress being made in these arenas. But because the media is so often acting like a loyal puppy dog, Americans are not reading and hearing about these second two components enough.
This is a mistake of the highest order.
Kudos to Jon Stewart
For catching Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, lying. Stewart showed video tape from March 15. Snow said that the firing of the US attorneys was performance based. Last week at a press conference, a reporter commented to Snow, that earlier Snow had stated that politics was not involved, the firing of the US attorney’s was performance based.
Snow interrupted, “No, that is something—we never said that.”
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Jay Leno, host of The Tonight Show, "Scooter" Libby [is] going to jail unless they—unless President Bush acts quickly. Yeah.
And today, the city of New Orleans said, "Good luck with Bush acting quickly. Let us know how that goes – give us a call. Let us know how that works out, that quickly thing."
Father’s Day 2050
Last Sunday, Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe had a pleasant Father’s Day with his family. When he went to bed on Sunday night, it was Father’s Day 2007. When he woke up, it was Father’s Day 2050—and some of his grandchildren wanted to talk with him.
They gave him a robe and slippers. They led him to a comfortable chair. It was morning. He was hungry. He asked for coffee and steak and eggs.
His grandchildren gasped.
One of his grandchildren said, “Do you know what that would cost?”
Inhofe replied, “A few bucks.”
The grandchildren gasped again. “The steak and coffee alone require the use of over 50,000 gallons of water. Not even gazillionaires can eat a meal that requires the use of so much water.”
The Senator barked, “What’s this hogwash?”
One of the grandchildren pulled a gadget out of his pocket. He pushed the gadget’s screen a few times. Then he said, “Look at the date on the newspaper.”
Inhofe said, “2050. So?”
One of the grandchildren said, “Things are different now.”
Another said, “The world is a different place than when you were here.”
Bubbles
One of the grandchildren picked up the gadget the Senator had. She pushed a few things on the gadget’s screen. She showed Inhofe the picture on the gadget’s screen.
Inhofe said, “What’s that?”
“It’s a picture of Oklahoma City from 30,000 feet.”
Inhofe said, “It’s a picture of a fishbowl put over a city.”
One of the grandchildren said, “All the cities have them now.”
Inhofe said, “Fishbowls?”
One of his grandchildren said, “We call them bubbles.”
Another added, “They are made of glass, plastic, and some stuff you don’t know about yet.”
Inhofe asked, “Don’t know?”
One of his grandchildren said, “The air is so bad we had to put bubbles over the cities.”
“Well that’s a good thing.”
A grandchild asked, “That the air is bad is a good thing?”
Inhofe said, “It’s a good thing that we have the technology to build the bubbles.”
One of the grandchildren showed his grandfather the contents of a suitcase. “These are the medications I take in a year for my asthma.”
Inhofe said, “Well it’s good you have those medications to take.”
The grandchild coughed. “Doctors tell me that a hundred years ago I wouldn’t have developed the asthma. They say that I got it from the bad air.”
Inhofe responded, “Oh.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We have a little movie we’d like to show you.”
One of the grandchildren pushed a button. A thin screen descended from the ceiling. The lights dimmed. Images appeared on the screen.
A Short Movie
The first images were still pictures taken of glaciers. The still pictures made it obvious that the glaciers were melting.
One of the grandchildren said, “These pictures were taken when you were alive.”
Then there was a film clip of Senator Inhofe. He said:
“Catastrophic global warming is a hoax.”
“No meaningful warming has occurred over the last century."
"Global warming is still considered to be a theory and has not come close to being sufficiently proven."
Another picture appeared on the screen.
One of the grandchildren said, “This was taken the day you said that everything on which the environmentalists ‘based their story, in terms of the facts, has been refuted scientifically.’ ”
Another grandchild added, “This picture was taken the day you said, ‘Global Warming is the second-largest hoax ever played on the American people, after the separation of church and state.’ ”
One of the grandchildren said, “This is what remains of the ice cap at the North Pole.”
It was a picture of water.
A grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes they had to build to keep Miami dry.”
Another of the grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes used to keep London dry.”
Another grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes—”
Inhof replied, “Enough already with the dikes!”
They saw a picture of a desert.
One of the grandchildren said, “In 2001 this was a meadow.”
They saw a picture of a lake.
Then they saw a picture of a dry and shallow valley. One of the grandchildren said, “What used to be a lake looks like this now.”
They saw some numbers. One of the grandchildren said, “This number represents the number in thousands of the people killed in a year by something connected with global warming.”
The little movie ended. The lights came back on.
Laughing Stock
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming.”
Another grandchild said, “But it’s worse than that. A lot of people were wrong about global warming.”
A granchild added, “You’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Me?”
Another grandchild said, “A laughing stock is just the start of it.”
The Senator wagged his finger in the air and said, “I am James Inhofe. I’m the senior senator from the great state of Oklahoma. Kay and I are the proud parents—”
A grandchild said, “That was then, today you’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Well a company I ran did have some problems.”
A grandchild added, “Quaker Life Insurance Compnay went bankrupt. But people who hate you, people who laugh at you don’t even bother with that. It’s very small potatoes.”
Another grandchild commented, “ ’Inhofe’ is now a synonym for Luddite.”
Inhofe asked, “What’s a Luddite?”
A granchild said, “Anyone opposed to progress.”
Another grandhild said, “Movies have been made that contrast your comments—espcially about global warming—with reality.”
Another grandchild said, “One comedian, when he was in trouble, just said your name—and people laughed. It became his signiture joke. He’s used that joke to provoke millions of people to laugh.”
Inhofe waved his hand in the air. “Politicians have been providing fodder for comedians for years.”
A grandchild said, “You are the poster boy for the worst of your generation.”
Another granchild said, “Poll after poll after poll shouts to all that you’re reputation is worse than murderers, rapists, and horrible polticians.”
A grandchild said, “You’re reputation is even worse than George Bush’s.”
A granchild commented, “I didn’t know that.”
Yet another grandchild added, “That’s old news. In recent polls he’s even lower than Paris Hilton.”
Inhofe asked, “Paris Hilton is still alive?”
Another grandchild said, “She’s gotten some really bad publicity of late.”
One Question
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming. There’s no doubt you’re now a laughing stock. Study after study shows that comments you made and actions you took slowed the progress on global warming. “
Another grandchild turned to Inhofe and said, “We know you got over a million dollars in contributions from oil, gas, and other energy companies. We know that the money they gave encouraged you to say and do the things you said and did.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We called you here to ask you one question.”
Inhofe sat up in his chair. “Okay, what is it?
One of the grandchildren asked, “Was it worth it?”
Once again the prize goes to the US media. As they should be, the media and the chattering classes are doing stories about the report card Shrub’s Administration will issue about the war in Iraq. Frequently the phrase “militarily and politically” are being used. This is a good thing. It implies that the media is doing stories and the pundits are considering more than simply the military efforts in Iraq. It implies that the report card should also consider how well the Iraqi government is performing.
There is other good news.
Many are suggesting that the actions and comments by Shrub and his lieutenants imply that whatever the news from Iraq, the Shrub Administration will argue that it is too early to tell if the surge is working. Reports and commentary suggest that whatever the news is in September that Shrub will do all he can to keep the war going. This way mopping up the mess will be left to another administration. The clearest evidence to support this theory are comments Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, made last week, “I have warned from the very beginning about expecting some sort of magical thing to happen in September.”
The Fault Dear Media
But as they have in the past, the US media and particularly the punditocracy are making a horrible mistake.
There’ s not nearly enough talk about two other components to the war. If the US is to succeed in Iraq, four things have to happen. The first two have been given attention in the media: the US military has to suppress the insurgency, the Iraqi government has to be a dynamic, positive, and competent force in the country.
The other two components of success have not: the status of the Iraqi security forces (its army and police force) and the status of the Iraqi infrastructure. The Iraqi security forces will have to standup and take charge when US troops leave. And when the US leaves, a competent infrastructure has to be operational so that essential goods and services are delivered routinely: Iraqi’s need to have electricity as well as easy access to food, water, and clothing. Their sewage systems have to work. Their oil and other industries have to produce revenues.
It is easy to understand why Shrub and his administration have no desire to talk about the Iraqi security forces and the Iraqi infrastructure—there’s very little progress being made in these arenas. But because the media is so often acting like a loyal puppy dog, Americans are not reading and hearing about these second two components enough.
This is a mistake of the highest order.
Kudos to Jon Stewart
For catching Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, lying. Stewart showed video tape from March 15. Snow said that the firing of the US attorneys was performance based. Last week at a press conference, a reporter commented to Snow, that earlier Snow had stated that politics was not involved, the firing of the US attorney’s was performance based.
Snow interrupted, “No, that is something—we never said that.”
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Jay Leno, host of The Tonight Show, "Scooter" Libby [is] going to jail unless they—unless President Bush acts quickly. Yeah.
And today, the city of New Orleans said, "Good luck with Bush acting quickly. Let us know how that goes – give us a call. Let us know how that works out, that quickly thing."
Father’s Day 2050
Last Sunday, Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe had a pleasant Father’s Day with his family. When he went to bed on Sunday night, it was Father’s Day 2007. When he woke up, it was Father’s Day 2050—and some of his grandchildren wanted to talk with him.
They gave him a robe and slippers. They led him to a comfortable chair. It was morning. He was hungry. He asked for coffee and steak and eggs.
His grandchildren gasped.
One of his grandchildren said, “Do you know what that would cost?”
Inhofe replied, “A few bucks.”
The grandchildren gasped again. “The steak and coffee alone require the use of over 50,000 gallons of water. Not even gazillionaires can eat a meal that requires the use of so much water.”
The Senator barked, “What’s this hogwash?”
One of the grandchildren pulled a gadget out of his pocket. He pushed the gadget’s screen a few times. Then he said, “Look at the date on the newspaper.”
Inhofe said, “2050. So?”
One of the grandchildren said, “Things are different now.”
Another said, “The world is a different place than when you were here.”
Bubbles
One of the grandchildren picked up the gadget the Senator had. She pushed a few things on the gadget’s screen. She showed Inhofe the picture on the gadget’s screen.
Inhofe said, “What’s that?”
“It’s a picture of Oklahoma City from 30,000 feet.”
Inhofe said, “It’s a picture of a fishbowl put over a city.”
One of the grandchildren said, “All the cities have them now.”
Inhofe said, “Fishbowls?”
One of his grandchildren said, “We call them bubbles.”
Another added, “They are made of glass, plastic, and some stuff you don’t know about yet.”
Inhofe asked, “Don’t know?”
One of his grandchildren said, “The air is so bad we had to put bubbles over the cities.”
“Well that’s a good thing.”
A grandchild asked, “That the air is bad is a good thing?”
Inhofe said, “It’s a good thing that we have the technology to build the bubbles.”
One of the grandchildren showed his grandfather the contents of a suitcase. “These are the medications I take in a year for my asthma.”
Inhofe said, “Well it’s good you have those medications to take.”
The grandchild coughed. “Doctors tell me that a hundred years ago I wouldn’t have developed the asthma. They say that I got it from the bad air.”
Inhofe responded, “Oh.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We have a little movie we’d like to show you.”
One of the grandchildren pushed a button. A thin screen descended from the ceiling. The lights dimmed. Images appeared on the screen.
A Short Movie
The first images were still pictures taken of glaciers. The still pictures made it obvious that the glaciers were melting.
One of the grandchildren said, “These pictures were taken when you were alive.”
Then there was a film clip of Senator Inhofe. He said:
“Catastrophic global warming is a hoax.”
“No meaningful warming has occurred over the last century."
"Global warming is still considered to be a theory and has not come close to being sufficiently proven."
Another picture appeared on the screen.
One of the grandchildren said, “This was taken the day you said that everything on which the environmentalists ‘based their story, in terms of the facts, has been refuted scientifically.’ ”
Another grandchild added, “This picture was taken the day you said, ‘Global Warming is the second-largest hoax ever played on the American people, after the separation of church and state.’ ”
One of the grandchildren said, “This is what remains of the ice cap at the North Pole.”
It was a picture of water.
A grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes they had to build to keep Miami dry.”
Another of the grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes used to keep London dry.”
Another grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes—”
Inhof replied, “Enough already with the dikes!”
They saw a picture of a desert.
One of the grandchildren said, “In 2001 this was a meadow.”
They saw a picture of a lake.
Then they saw a picture of a dry and shallow valley. One of the grandchildren said, “What used to be a lake looks like this now.”
They saw some numbers. One of the grandchildren said, “This number represents the number in thousands of the people killed in a year by something connected with global warming.”
The little movie ended. The lights came back on.
Laughing Stock
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming.”
Another grandchild said, “But it’s worse than that. A lot of people were wrong about global warming.”
A granchild added, “You’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Me?”
Another grandchild said, “A laughing stock is just the start of it.”
The Senator wagged his finger in the air and said, “I am James Inhofe. I’m the senior senator from the great state of Oklahoma. Kay and I are the proud parents—”
A grandchild said, “That was then, today you’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Well a company I ran did have some problems.”
A grandchild added, “Quaker Life Insurance Compnay went bankrupt. But people who hate you, people who laugh at you don’t even bother with that. It’s very small potatoes.”
Another grandchild commented, “ ’Inhofe’ is now a synonym for Luddite.”
Inhofe asked, “What’s a Luddite?”
A granchild said, “Anyone opposed to progress.”
Another grandhild said, “Movies have been made that contrast your comments—espcially about global warming—with reality.”
Another grandchild said, “One comedian, when he was in trouble, just said your name—and people laughed. It became his signiture joke. He’s used that joke to provoke millions of people to laugh.”
Inhofe waved his hand in the air. “Politicians have been providing fodder for comedians for years.”
A grandchild said, “You are the poster boy for the worst of your generation.”
Another granchild said, “Poll after poll after poll shouts to all that you’re reputation is worse than murderers, rapists, and horrible polticians.”
A grandchild said, “You’re reputation is even worse than George Bush’s.”
A granchild commented, “I didn’t know that.”
Yet another grandchild added, “That’s old news. In recent polls he’s even lower than Paris Hilton.”
Inhofe asked, “Paris Hilton is still alive?”
Another grandchild said, “She’s gotten some really bad publicity of late.”
One Question
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming. There’s no doubt you’re now a laughing stock. Study after study shows that comments you made and actions you took slowed the progress on global warming. “
Another grandchild turned to Inhofe and said, “We know you got over a million dollars in contributions from oil, gas, and other energy companies. We know that the money they gave encouraged you to say and do the things you said and did.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We called you here to ask you one question.”
Inhofe sat up in his chair. “Okay, what is it?
One of the grandchildren asked, “Was it worth it?”
Monday, June 11, 2007
“Huey” “Dewey” and “Louie” in Disneyland
Huey: What is it?
Dewey: It’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Louie: A letter from the Pentagon?
Huey: A letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: Is there an echo in here?
Louie: There’s no echo. There’s no “in here.”
Huey: Because we’re outside.
Dewey: This is outside?
Louie: It’s a theme park.
Huey: Were inside a theme park.
Dewey: Which is outside.
Louie: Thank goodness we’ve got that straight.
Huey: You said there’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: I thought I had it right here.
Louie: What’s in it?
Huey: A lot of military guys—
Dewey: No, what’s in the letter?
Louie: It’s a letter that says we may be under surveillance.
Huey: Surely you must be kidding.
Dewey: Don’t call me Shirley.
A gray haired man who also was waiting in line said, “You can call me Shirley.”
Louie: The Pentagon wrote a letter?
Huey: Who taught a building how to write?
Dewey: The pentagon isn’t
Louie: a building, it’s
Huey: a bureaucracy.
Dewey: One thing bureaucracies can do
Louie: is create paperwork.
Huey takes the letter.
Huey: It’s not from the Defense Department.
Dewey: It’s from someone who says he works in the Defense Department.
Louie. A leak.
Huey: Are you
Dewey: sure your name is
Louie: Shirley?
Shirley: Surely.
Backstory
Recently three of the countries best political satirists met—no, I was not invited to join them. A nice person in the Homeland Security Office sent me a transcript of their conversation, complete with color pictures that were taken of the event. The satirists met at Disneyland. The reasons are obvious. The satirists find the absurd very attractive. Clearly, Southern California was the perfect place for them to meet. While they were waiting to take the Splash Mountain ride, much of their talk turned to politics.
The satirists, either for reasons related to their natural playfulness or a harebrained attempt to maintain anonymity referred to themselves as Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Huey: I still don’t know who this guy who claims to be Shirley is.
Dewey: I hear Splash Mountain is sometimes called Flash Mountain.
Louie: As in take a picture . . . flash.
Huey: Flash? I knew a dog named Flash. Did someone let a dog in here?
Dewey: You want a dog to take a picture?
Louie: There’re no dogs in Disneyland.
Huey: Pluto’s a dog.
Dewey: And Pluto’s in Disneyland.
Louie: Pluto’s a planet.
Huey: Not anymore.
Dewey: What have you been doing?
Louie: Getting your news from the President?
Huey: They call it Flash Mountain as in flash . . .
Dewey: as in women flash
Louie: their features.
Good Time to be a Satirist?
Shirley said, “No doubt it’s a good time to be a satirist.”
Huey, Dewey, and Louie frowned.
Shirley: Whattareya talkin about? Huey wrote a spoof on McCain shopping in Baghdad and how safe it was—as long as he was wearing a flack jacket and a helicopter was flying overhead. A month later the same thing happened in real life.
Dewey wrote that really funny piece on how the all but one of candidates of the party of family values—all but one of them were divorced. Louie wrote that over a year ago. Now, a year later, all but one of the candidates for the party of family values are divorced—all but one of em. And the one who isn’t divorced, one of his ancestors was a polygamist.
Years ago Louie wrote that very funny piece about how the Democrats would regret voting for the war in Iraq. That too has happened.
As I said, this has got to be a great time to be a satirist.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: Surely you must be kidding.
Shirley: I definitely am not kidding. We live in hilarious times.
Huey: That’s the problem.
Shirley: How is being funny a problem—when it’s your job to be funny?
Dewey: Our job is to be funny?
Louie: That’s what he said.
Huey: I thought our job was
Dewey: to poke fun at hypocrites,
Louie: deride the self-important,
Huey: shine a light into areas of darkness,
Dewey: and
Louie: make a few bucks.
Shirley: Anyway, so why are you guys depressed?
Huey: Law and order Republicans are talking seriously about a pardon for Scooter Libby—a man found guilty on four—
Dewey: Count em
Louie: four
Huey: felony counts.
Dewey: As the great Yogi Berra said,
Louie: You could look it up.
Huey: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Dewey: Policies of the Pro-life party have killed hundreds of thousands in a war their policies started.
Louie: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Shirley: What does that mean?
Huey: That means the Democrats are just preaching the politics of opportunity.
Dewey: It means they haven’t learned what they should about fear.
Louie: So what’s new about that?
Huey: Nothin.
Dewey: That’s the Democrats
Louie: being Democrats.
Take Nixon
Shirley: This can’t be all that different from other times. In other times politicians did stupid stuff. Take Nixon for example.
Huey: I don’t want to take Nixon.
Dewey: Do you want to take Nixon?
Louie: Not if you paid me.
Huey: He’s dead.
Dewey: Why would I want
Louie: to take a dead man?
Huey: My wife, now someone could take my wife.
Dewey: Please!
Louie: We should try
Huey: to be a little serious.
Dewey: Who can be a little serious?
Louie: You’re right.
Huey: We’re not good at being a little anything.
Shirley: So how’s Bush all that different from Nixon?
Dewey: Nixon wiretapped a few people; Bush wiretapped half the nation.
Louie: Nixon did some good things.
Huey: Environmental Protection Agency.
Dewey: He helped get the amendment passed that lowered the voting age to 18.
Louie: He opened the door to China.
Huey: Détente with Russia.
Dewey: What’s Bush done that’s good?
Louie: Well he goes to Texas a lot, and when he’s there, he generally doesn’t do much.
The Heart of the Matter
Shirley: Are you complaining that your job is too easy?
Huey: We try to be incongruous and absurd
Dewey: provocative and ridiculous.
Louie: Usually we do this by exaggerating
Huey: a trait or a quality
Dewey: a policy or a position.
Louie: The people we’re to ridicule, they do these things naturally.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: It’s a horrible time to be a satirist.
Shirley: Why’s that?
Huey: Because the people we’re to make fun of are being so ridiculous that to exaggerate what they do,
Dewey: well to exaggerate what they do is
Louie: not possible.
Huey: They’re the satirists.
Dewey: And they’re not even trying to be satirists.
Louie: Imagine how that makes us feel.
Kudos
To Paul Begala and CNN for getting the gaffe thing right after the second Republican debate. Many media sources criticized Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee for confusing the date that Reagan died (June 5—the date of the debate) with the day he was born (February 6). Begala correctly pointed out a far more serious error made by Mitch Romney. Romney said, “If you're saying, let's turn back the clock and Saddam Hussein had opened up his country to IAEA [International Atomic Energy Agency] inspectors and they'd come in and they'd found that there were no weapons of mass destruction – had Saddam Hussein therefore not violated United Nations resolutions – we wouldn't be in the conflict we're in. But he didn't do those things, and we knew what we knew at the point we made the decision to get in.”
Begala noted correctly that in September 2002 Saddam Hussein did allow IAEA inspectors into his country. They did not find evidence that the country had weapons of mass destruction.
The failure of the media to notice the mistake, the failure of many to urge that the mistake be corrected, and the failure of the media to correct this mistake speak volumes about the weaknesses of the media today.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of The Late Show with David Letterman, “Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama”
Dewey: It’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Louie: A letter from the Pentagon?
Huey: A letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: Is there an echo in here?
Louie: There’s no echo. There’s no “in here.”
Huey: Because we’re outside.
Dewey: This is outside?
Louie: It’s a theme park.
Huey: Were inside a theme park.
Dewey: Which is outside.
Louie: Thank goodness we’ve got that straight.
Huey: You said there’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: I thought I had it right here.
Louie: What’s in it?
Huey: A lot of military guys—
Dewey: No, what’s in the letter?
Louie: It’s a letter that says we may be under surveillance.
Huey: Surely you must be kidding.
Dewey: Don’t call me Shirley.
A gray haired man who also was waiting in line said, “You can call me Shirley.”
Louie: The Pentagon wrote a letter?
Huey: Who taught a building how to write?
Dewey: The pentagon isn’t
Louie: a building, it’s
Huey: a bureaucracy.
Dewey: One thing bureaucracies can do
Louie: is create paperwork.
Huey takes the letter.
Huey: It’s not from the Defense Department.
Dewey: It’s from someone who says he works in the Defense Department.
Louie. A leak.
Huey: Are you
Dewey: sure your name is
Louie: Shirley?
Shirley: Surely.
Backstory
Recently three of the countries best political satirists met—no, I was not invited to join them. A nice person in the Homeland Security Office sent me a transcript of their conversation, complete with color pictures that were taken of the event. The satirists met at Disneyland. The reasons are obvious. The satirists find the absurd very attractive. Clearly, Southern California was the perfect place for them to meet. While they were waiting to take the Splash Mountain ride, much of their talk turned to politics.
The satirists, either for reasons related to their natural playfulness or a harebrained attempt to maintain anonymity referred to themselves as Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Huey: I still don’t know who this guy who claims to be Shirley is.
Dewey: I hear Splash Mountain is sometimes called Flash Mountain.
Louie: As in take a picture . . . flash.
Huey: Flash? I knew a dog named Flash. Did someone let a dog in here?
Dewey: You want a dog to take a picture?
Louie: There’re no dogs in Disneyland.
Huey: Pluto’s a dog.
Dewey: And Pluto’s in Disneyland.
Louie: Pluto’s a planet.
Huey: Not anymore.
Dewey: What have you been doing?
Louie: Getting your news from the President?
Huey: They call it Flash Mountain as in flash . . .
Dewey: as in women flash
Louie: their features.
Good Time to be a Satirist?
Shirley said, “No doubt it’s a good time to be a satirist.”
Huey, Dewey, and Louie frowned.
Shirley: Whattareya talkin about? Huey wrote a spoof on McCain shopping in Baghdad and how safe it was—as long as he was wearing a flack jacket and a helicopter was flying overhead. A month later the same thing happened in real life.
Dewey wrote that really funny piece on how the all but one of candidates of the party of family values—all but one of them were divorced. Louie wrote that over a year ago. Now, a year later, all but one of the candidates for the party of family values are divorced—all but one of em. And the one who isn’t divorced, one of his ancestors was a polygamist.
Years ago Louie wrote that very funny piece about how the Democrats would regret voting for the war in Iraq. That too has happened.
As I said, this has got to be a great time to be a satirist.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: Surely you must be kidding.
Shirley: I definitely am not kidding. We live in hilarious times.
Huey: That’s the problem.
Shirley: How is being funny a problem—when it’s your job to be funny?
Dewey: Our job is to be funny?
Louie: That’s what he said.
Huey: I thought our job was
Dewey: to poke fun at hypocrites,
Louie: deride the self-important,
Huey: shine a light into areas of darkness,
Dewey: and
Louie: make a few bucks.
Shirley: Anyway, so why are you guys depressed?
Huey: Law and order Republicans are talking seriously about a pardon for Scooter Libby—a man found guilty on four—
Dewey: Count em
Louie: four
Huey: felony counts.
Dewey: As the great Yogi Berra said,
Louie: You could look it up.
Huey: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Dewey: Policies of the Pro-life party have killed hundreds of thousands in a war their policies started.
Louie: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Shirley: What does that mean?
Huey: That means the Democrats are just preaching the politics of opportunity.
Dewey: It means they haven’t learned what they should about fear.
Louie: So what’s new about that?
Huey: Nothin.
Dewey: That’s the Democrats
Louie: being Democrats.
Take Nixon
Shirley: This can’t be all that different from other times. In other times politicians did stupid stuff. Take Nixon for example.
Huey: I don’t want to take Nixon.
Dewey: Do you want to take Nixon?
Louie: Not if you paid me.
Huey: He’s dead.
Dewey: Why would I want
Louie: to take a dead man?
Huey: My wife, now someone could take my wife.
Dewey: Please!
Louie: We should try
Huey: to be a little serious.
Dewey: Who can be a little serious?
Louie: You’re right.
Huey: We’re not good at being a little anything.
Shirley: So how’s Bush all that different from Nixon?
Dewey: Nixon wiretapped a few people; Bush wiretapped half the nation.
Louie: Nixon did some good things.
Huey: Environmental Protection Agency.
Dewey: He helped get the amendment passed that lowered the voting age to 18.
Louie: He opened the door to China.
Huey: Détente with Russia.
Dewey: What’s Bush done that’s good?
Louie: Well he goes to Texas a lot, and when he’s there, he generally doesn’t do much.
The Heart of the Matter
Shirley: Are you complaining that your job is too easy?
Huey: We try to be incongruous and absurd
Dewey: provocative and ridiculous.
Louie: Usually we do this by exaggerating
Huey: a trait or a quality
Dewey: a policy or a position.
Louie: The people we’re to ridicule, they do these things naturally.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: It’s a horrible time to be a satirist.
Shirley: Why’s that?
Huey: Because the people we’re to make fun of are being so ridiculous that to exaggerate what they do,
Dewey: well to exaggerate what they do is
Louie: not possible.
Huey: They’re the satirists.
Dewey: And they’re not even trying to be satirists.
Louie: Imagine how that makes us feel.
Kudos
To Paul Begala and CNN for getting the gaffe thing right after the second Republican debate. Many media sources criticized Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee for confusing the date that Reagan died (June 5—the date of the debate) with the day he was born (February 6). Begala correctly pointed out a far more serious error made by Mitch Romney. Romney said, “If you're saying, let's turn back the clock and Saddam Hussein had opened up his country to IAEA [International Atomic Energy Agency] inspectors and they'd come in and they'd found that there were no weapons of mass destruction – had Saddam Hussein therefore not violated United Nations resolutions – we wouldn't be in the conflict we're in. But he didn't do those things, and we knew what we knew at the point we made the decision to get in.”
Begala noted correctly that in September 2002 Saddam Hussein did allow IAEA inspectors into his country. They did not find evidence that the country had weapons of mass destruction.
The failure of the media to notice the mistake, the failure of many to urge that the mistake be corrected, and the failure of the media to correct this mistake speak volumes about the weaknesses of the media today.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of The Late Show with David Letterman, “Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama”
Monday, June 4, 2007
On Hillary's Problems
Often I go to great lengths to avoid talking about politics after work. Once I went to a costume party dressed as an angry protestor. I carried a sign that announced, “I don’t want to talk about politics!”
I hadn’t been at the party five minutes before a woman came up to me. She pointed to the sign and said, “Very funny.” Without taking a breath—or laughing—she began sharing her opinion about some dumb thing a politician had done.
The darndest thing about people is that sometimes they say something worth hearing. Not long ago I was at another party and the same woman came up to me. She couldn’t wait to tell me about the members of her book club. All of them are women. They’re all Democrats or left leaning independents. She told me, “The other day politics came up. Soon we were talking about Hillary. Each of them said, ‘I don’t like her.’ ”
Being the intrepid adventurer I am, I realized that my next mission in life was to find some voters who liked Hillary. I didn’t think it would be too hard.
Early Findings
Since then I’ve been trying.
I’ve found plenty of people who support her. I’ve found plenty who hope she is the next president. I’ve met many who admire her. Strange things happen after I ask, “Well, do you like her?”
Loud and bold supporters become quiet. Soft-spoken and civil supporters become shy. And a lot of people either rub the toe of their shoe in the dirt . . . or stare off into space . . . or hasten to change the subject.
I went to a focus group. It lasted two hours. One person in the focus group agreed with Ms. Clinton on all the major issues.
He was asked, “Will you vote for her?”
Later I chased him down. I asked, “Why can’t you vote for her?”
“Don’t like her.”
This likeablity thing is important. If you like a candidate, you are more willing to forgive the candidate when s/he makes a mistake. If a candidate is likeable, then the candidate will get votes and often money from people whose positions are more aligned with another candidate.
As the nice man who was running the focus group later said to me, “Emotions often turn off logic.”
I wanted to ask, “Who’s logical?” But that, I suppose, is another conversation.
The nice guy who ran the focus group added, “If a candidate is liked enough, people who logically wouldn’t have voted for him or her, very often will.”
The nice guy continued. “Reagan was so well liked that millions of Democrats voted for him. Reagan was so well liked that millions of people who were hurt by Reagan’s programs—millions of those people voted for him.”
If you Need an Excuse
Flying to Iowa I wandered into a dark area of an airport I shouldn’t have been in. Security found me. I thought I was a gonner. I envisioned being questioned. I envisioned being put in jail. I saw myself doing the perp walk. I got goose bumps.
A tall security guard who looked like a retired linebacker approached. He barked, “And just what are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
“Oh. Wanna borrow my flashlight?”
A few days later, I was late for a business meeting.
As I entered I mumbled, “Sorry, I was looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
My boss replied, “Well I’m surprised you’re here at all.”
In Iowa
I passed much of this week in Iowa. I figured Iowa would be the perfect place to find someone who likes Hillary. Iowans are warm—they have to be to survive those artic blasts that roll in from Canada. Iowans are patient—they have to be, life moves at a slower pace there. When you are in Iowa, you do a lot of waiting.
Again I found people who supported Hillary. Again I found people enthusiastic about her candidacy. But I found no one who likes her.
Now I could have cheated. I could have wandered into an office where supporters for Senator Clinton were working. Even if they didn’t like her, they would have to say they did.
These things get around. No one would want it getting around that they worked for a candidate they didn’t like.
I could have called members of Hillary’s family. I could have called Bill. He’s got a light schedule now. He might even talk with me. He’d tell me he likes Hillary.
I went to town hall meetings for Democrats. I went to town meetings for Republicans.
I never met anyone who likes Hillary Clinton.
Multi-tasking
The on-line magazine I work for is just getting started. I’m doing a lot of publicity for the magazine. Many times a week I’m a guest on a radio talk show. Recently, while a Clinton rally was winding down, I got a call on my cell phone. It was two o’clock. The talk show I was to appear on started after the news—at 2:05. I connected my phone to an earbud and put the earbud in my ear.
The rally ended. I listened to the news.
It came time for the talk show to begin. I stepped outside.
Fifteen minutes later a guy came up to me. The radio show I was a guest on was beginning a long commercial break.
They guy introduced himself. His name was Sam.
Sam was a Hillary supporter.
I asked him if he likes Hillary.
He did what politicians often do. He didn’t answer the question I asked. He answered the question he wanted to answer.
When Sam was younger, he had “worked security at rock and roll shows.” He’d done this in the DC area. First President Ford’s daughter and then President Carter’s son came to some of the shows where he worked. Sam saw Secret Service people “all the time.”
I told him I was not with the Secret Service.
“I know, I know. You’re with Treasury. That’s what they all said. I got to compliment you.
When you left the room, I couldn’t figure out who the other agents in the room were. ”
He pointed to the car I was leaning on. It was a tiny Japanese car I’d rented.
“And they used to drive boxy American cars. No more.
“And the earbuds. They were always white. I can see you’ve gotten more sophisticated.”
The radio program was still playing commercials. So I asked Sam, “Do you like Hillary?
He loved her chances. He loved Bill.
“Please. I’m really interested.”
He backed away. “Don’t get me wrong. I’d never harm her or anyone. Not a soul. I don’t even kill flies.”
“But do you like Hillary?”
“Goodness no.”
The commercial break ended. I had to return my attention to the radio program.
While a caller on the radio program asked me a question, Sam said, “Love the way you blend in now. Wish they did that in my day. Keep up the great work!”
I knew the civil thing to do was to repeat that I wasn’t a member of the Secret Service. But I had to respond to a question from a caller who was listening to the radio program.
Soon I realized: I do work that probably is as difficult as working for the Secret Service. I do work that probably is as challenging as working for the Secret Service.
I look for voters who like Hillary.
Idiots of the Week
Speaking on National Public Radio on March 31, NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said, “I have no doubt that global–that a trend of global warming exists. I am not sure that it is fair to say that it is a problem we must wrestle with.”
A NASA climate scientist, Jim Hansen, said Griffin’s comments showed “arrogance and ignorance.” A scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research, Jerry Mahlman, said that Griffin was “totally clueless” or “a deep antiglobal warming ideologue.”
In a related story, his wife asked him if taking out the trash was something he could wrestle with.
As you no doubt know, Andrew Speaker, an Atlanta resident has a rare form of tuberculosis. He traveled to Europe to get married—as if people don’t get married in Atlanta? Though he was on a “no fly list” the Department of Homeland Security allowed him to reenter the country.
Obviously Mr. Speaker makes our idiots list as does the Department of Homeland Security. But the Democrats do as well for not criticizing the Bush Administration and the Department of Homeland Security enough. This is one reason why Democrats lose so many elections. They don’t do the fear thing well. Speaker’s entering the US shows how poorly managed The Department of Homeland Security it. American’s should be scared about this issue. Once again the Dems blew it.
Oh, and in case you were wondering what Mr. Speaker’s profession is, he’s a lawyer.
Bush—hereafter referred to as Shrub—the term was first coined by the late Molly Ivins. It is used in this column as an affectionate homage to a talented colleague. This week Sir Shrub called for the fifteen biggest polluters to agree to non-binding agreements to cut emissions. They would start in ten years. Each country would create its own plan.
This is just like talk about the hydrogen car. Everyone loves it—especially automakers and the oil industry. It will go into effect so many years from now that it does nothing, nothing to change behavior in the short run.
If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could lobby the Senate to endorse the Kyoto Treaty. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he would urge the Environmental Protection Agency to approve the California plan to reduce emissions from automobiles. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could endorse the German plan. It would cut global greenhouse gas emissions to half of what they were in 1990. And it would do this by 2050. Shrub and his administration reject this proposal. He claims it is impractical.
And finally the US punditocracy and the editorial boards of the various media outlets deserve the IOW award for not calling Shrub’s environmental initiative what it is—a PR initiative to divert attention from the problem.
Line of the Week
Conan O’Brien on Late Night said, “Sources at the Pentagon—ah this is interesting—say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. Cause Americans only want two things from Iraq: a stable central government and affordable quality men’s wear.
I hadn’t been at the party five minutes before a woman came up to me. She pointed to the sign and said, “Very funny.” Without taking a breath—or laughing—she began sharing her opinion about some dumb thing a politician had done.
The darndest thing about people is that sometimes they say something worth hearing. Not long ago I was at another party and the same woman came up to me. She couldn’t wait to tell me about the members of her book club. All of them are women. They’re all Democrats or left leaning independents. She told me, “The other day politics came up. Soon we were talking about Hillary. Each of them said, ‘I don’t like her.’ ”
Being the intrepid adventurer I am, I realized that my next mission in life was to find some voters who liked Hillary. I didn’t think it would be too hard.
Early Findings
Since then I’ve been trying.
I’ve found plenty of people who support her. I’ve found plenty who hope she is the next president. I’ve met many who admire her. Strange things happen after I ask, “Well, do you like her?”
Loud and bold supporters become quiet. Soft-spoken and civil supporters become shy. And a lot of people either rub the toe of their shoe in the dirt . . . or stare off into space . . . or hasten to change the subject.
I went to a focus group. It lasted two hours. One person in the focus group agreed with Ms. Clinton on all the major issues.
He was asked, “Will you vote for her?”
Later I chased him down. I asked, “Why can’t you vote for her?”
“Don’t like her.”
This likeablity thing is important. If you like a candidate, you are more willing to forgive the candidate when s/he makes a mistake. If a candidate is likeable, then the candidate will get votes and often money from people whose positions are more aligned with another candidate.
As the nice man who was running the focus group later said to me, “Emotions often turn off logic.”
I wanted to ask, “Who’s logical?” But that, I suppose, is another conversation.
The nice guy who ran the focus group added, “If a candidate is liked enough, people who logically wouldn’t have voted for him or her, very often will.”
The nice guy continued. “Reagan was so well liked that millions of Democrats voted for him. Reagan was so well liked that millions of people who were hurt by Reagan’s programs—millions of those people voted for him.”
If you Need an Excuse
Flying to Iowa I wandered into a dark area of an airport I shouldn’t have been in. Security found me. I thought I was a gonner. I envisioned being questioned. I envisioned being put in jail. I saw myself doing the perp walk. I got goose bumps.
A tall security guard who looked like a retired linebacker approached. He barked, “And just what are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
“Oh. Wanna borrow my flashlight?”
A few days later, I was late for a business meeting.
As I entered I mumbled, “Sorry, I was looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
My boss replied, “Well I’m surprised you’re here at all.”
In Iowa
I passed much of this week in Iowa. I figured Iowa would be the perfect place to find someone who likes Hillary. Iowans are warm—they have to be to survive those artic blasts that roll in from Canada. Iowans are patient—they have to be, life moves at a slower pace there. When you are in Iowa, you do a lot of waiting.
Again I found people who supported Hillary. Again I found people enthusiastic about her candidacy. But I found no one who likes her.
Now I could have cheated. I could have wandered into an office where supporters for Senator Clinton were working. Even if they didn’t like her, they would have to say they did.
These things get around. No one would want it getting around that they worked for a candidate they didn’t like.
I could have called members of Hillary’s family. I could have called Bill. He’s got a light schedule now. He might even talk with me. He’d tell me he likes Hillary.
I went to town hall meetings for Democrats. I went to town meetings for Republicans.
I never met anyone who likes Hillary Clinton.
Multi-tasking
The on-line magazine I work for is just getting started. I’m doing a lot of publicity for the magazine. Many times a week I’m a guest on a radio talk show. Recently, while a Clinton rally was winding down, I got a call on my cell phone. It was two o’clock. The talk show I was to appear on started after the news—at 2:05. I connected my phone to an earbud and put the earbud in my ear.
The rally ended. I listened to the news.
It came time for the talk show to begin. I stepped outside.
Fifteen minutes later a guy came up to me. The radio show I was a guest on was beginning a long commercial break.
They guy introduced himself. His name was Sam.
Sam was a Hillary supporter.
I asked him if he likes Hillary.
He did what politicians often do. He didn’t answer the question I asked. He answered the question he wanted to answer.
When Sam was younger, he had “worked security at rock and roll shows.” He’d done this in the DC area. First President Ford’s daughter and then President Carter’s son came to some of the shows where he worked. Sam saw Secret Service people “all the time.”
I told him I was not with the Secret Service.
“I know, I know. You’re with Treasury. That’s what they all said. I got to compliment you.
When you left the room, I couldn’t figure out who the other agents in the room were. ”
He pointed to the car I was leaning on. It was a tiny Japanese car I’d rented.
“And they used to drive boxy American cars. No more.
“And the earbuds. They were always white. I can see you’ve gotten more sophisticated.”
The radio program was still playing commercials. So I asked Sam, “Do you like Hillary?
He loved her chances. He loved Bill.
“Please. I’m really interested.”
He backed away. “Don’t get me wrong. I’d never harm her or anyone. Not a soul. I don’t even kill flies.”
“But do you like Hillary?”
“Goodness no.”
The commercial break ended. I had to return my attention to the radio program.
While a caller on the radio program asked me a question, Sam said, “Love the way you blend in now. Wish they did that in my day. Keep up the great work!”
I knew the civil thing to do was to repeat that I wasn’t a member of the Secret Service. But I had to respond to a question from a caller who was listening to the radio program.
Soon I realized: I do work that probably is as difficult as working for the Secret Service. I do work that probably is as challenging as working for the Secret Service.
I look for voters who like Hillary.
Idiots of the Week
Speaking on National Public Radio on March 31, NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said, “I have no doubt that global–that a trend of global warming exists. I am not sure that it is fair to say that it is a problem we must wrestle with.”
A NASA climate scientist, Jim Hansen, said Griffin’s comments showed “arrogance and ignorance.” A scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research, Jerry Mahlman, said that Griffin was “totally clueless” or “a deep antiglobal warming ideologue.”
In a related story, his wife asked him if taking out the trash was something he could wrestle with.
As you no doubt know, Andrew Speaker, an Atlanta resident has a rare form of tuberculosis. He traveled to Europe to get married—as if people don’t get married in Atlanta? Though he was on a “no fly list” the Department of Homeland Security allowed him to reenter the country.
Obviously Mr. Speaker makes our idiots list as does the Department of Homeland Security. But the Democrats do as well for not criticizing the Bush Administration and the Department of Homeland Security enough. This is one reason why Democrats lose so many elections. They don’t do the fear thing well. Speaker’s entering the US shows how poorly managed The Department of Homeland Security it. American’s should be scared about this issue. Once again the Dems blew it.
Oh, and in case you were wondering what Mr. Speaker’s profession is, he’s a lawyer.
Bush—hereafter referred to as Shrub—the term was first coined by the late Molly Ivins. It is used in this column as an affectionate homage to a talented colleague. This week Sir Shrub called for the fifteen biggest polluters to agree to non-binding agreements to cut emissions. They would start in ten years. Each country would create its own plan.
This is just like talk about the hydrogen car. Everyone loves it—especially automakers and the oil industry. It will go into effect so many years from now that it does nothing, nothing to change behavior in the short run.
If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could lobby the Senate to endorse the Kyoto Treaty. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he would urge the Environmental Protection Agency to approve the California plan to reduce emissions from automobiles. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could endorse the German plan. It would cut global greenhouse gas emissions to half of what they were in 1990. And it would do this by 2050. Shrub and his administration reject this proposal. He claims it is impractical.
And finally the US punditocracy and the editorial boards of the various media outlets deserve the IOW award for not calling Shrub’s environmental initiative what it is—a PR initiative to divert attention from the problem.
Line of the Week
Conan O’Brien on Late Night said, “Sources at the Pentagon—ah this is interesting—say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. Cause Americans only want two things from Iraq: a stable central government and affordable quality men’s wear.
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