Line of the Week
Comes to us courtesy of Late Night’s Conan O’Brien, "After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this, he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'"
Janus and Jerry
When Janus and Jerry met for dinner last Wednesday, Janus was in a lousy mood. Her mood was not difficult to explain. For the last six months she’d been working eighty hours a week for Hillary Clinton.
In the last days, the senator had lost eight primaries in a row. Obama had taken the lead in the delegate count. And he’d also managed to capture all the momentum and most of the good headlines.
Jerry is not as organized as Janus would like. She’d arrived at seven-thirty; he arrived at eight.
They talked about the campaign for a while.
Jerry said, “The tears were good.”
“The what were good?”
“The tears . . . the tears Clinton cried . . . in New Hampshire.”
Janus nearly snapped at him, “The tears were a hundred years ago.”
Jerry gave a look that shouted, “What do you want from me?”
Janus said, “I want evidence that Clinton has a sense of humor.”
“Clinton laughed once.”
“In 1952.”
“Janus, you’re tired, you should get some sleep.”
“You know the news is bad.”
“It’s darkest before the dawn.”
“I think it’s about eight o’clock in the evening.”
Crash and Burn
Jerry told Janus about a satellite that was falling to earth. The US was going to spend sixty million dollars to shoot it down. Jerry figured it was a spy satellite of some sort. Otherwise they would let it crash and burn.
“’Crash and Burn,’ that’s not a bad title.”
“For Bush’s memoirs?”
“I was thinking of our campaign.”
The waiter arrived. Janus said, “Most of the time the campaign is important people talking about trivial things.”
Jerry said, “I thought that’s what a game show was.”
The waiter laughed.
Janus wondered if a game show format could be used as an effective campaign advertisement.
The waiter handed Jerry and Janus their menus. Then he left.
Jerry asked, “Is it okay if I order this fancy thing? This what do you
call-it?”
“They call it ‘the super.’ ”
“Is it okay if I order ‘the super’?”
“Can you spend a half an hour waiting for your dinner?”
He nodded.
“Can you spend an hour eating dinner?”
He nodded.
“Do you have forty-nine ninety-five?”
“No.”
“Then you can’t order the ‘super.’”
Later, when the check came, Jerry didn’t reach for it.
She said, “What is this, you’re not organized? You don’t have any money.” Janus continued,
“What is this? The Clinton campaign?”
I Thought it’d be Over
Jerry said, “I thought it’d be over weeks ago. Whenever I date someone for a while, it always ends in February.”
“Jerry, I haven’t been dating you, I‘ve been living with the Clinton campaign.”
“And seeing me on the side?”
Janus nodded.
Jerry asked, “Your job is your life, and your life is your mistress?”
Janus got angry, “Jerry you don’t get it. I’m a woman. You’re a man, You can’t be my mistress.”
Jerry nodded.
Janus continued, “I’m trying to tell you that we don’t have to break up . . . just because it’s February.”
“So there’s no one else?”
“Jerry, I barely have time for you.”
“So I’ve been addressing the wrong things—I’ve had a lousy strategy.”
Janus nodded.
Jerry said, “So you’re saying dinner and a movie and sex—”
“Jerry, when have we had time for a movie?”
“We saw a movie once.”
“Jerry we saw a movie last August.”
“So you’re saying dinner and sex means—”
“It means dinner and sex.”
Jerry looked as if he’d just seen a John McCain roller-skating in a buffalo herd.
Janus said, “So you get it?”
“Of course.”
Janus smiled.
A few seconds passed.
Janus asked. “Are you sure you get it?
Jerry replied, “I never get anything. But when I’m out with an attractive woman and she says, ‘Do you get it?’ I nod.”
“Good tactic Jerry. Good tactic.”
Jerry said, “So you don’t care that I blew it? That I thought we’d be done by say the beginning of February?”
“Of course I care.”
“But I’ve had a lousy strategy, I’m not as organized as I should be, I miss things, I don’t have nearly enough money, I don’t adjust fast enough, I feel I have to lob some miracle pass to catch up . . . I get a sense that it’s all over.”
“Jerry are you talking about us, or are you talking about the Clinton campaign?”
“I don’t know.”
