A Short Political Dictionary

For politicians, few things are more hazardous than telling the truth.

My favorite example is President Carter’s energy initiative. Way back in 1977 then President Carter hoped to inspire Americans to solve it’s energy problems. He deemed the cause, “ the moral equivalent of war.” He was right. He spoke the truth. Had we followed his advice, we would not be in the energy mess we are in now. But people didn’t want to hear the truth. Many people laughed at him.

When he was governor, Jerry Brown suggested a satellite should be launched into orbit to speed emergency communications for the state. This proposal earned him the name Governor Moonbeam—and, you guessed, it laughter. California eventually adopted a similar proposal.

An esteemed political consultant initiates young candidates on the perils of the truth. He has the pols he advises read the short story, “Tombermory.” In the story, a cat talks, and get this, the cat tells the truth! Forget that a person has taught a cat—an animal with the brain the size of a walnut—to talk. Characters in the short story are so fed up with the truths the cat tells, that they deem it appropriate to have the cat killed.

As I write this in a warm hotel room in Des Moines, it is 12 degrees Farenheight outside. But the Iowa caucuses are merely weeks away. That means the rhetoric is heating up.

A Public Service

So, as a public service I offer a few translations of political doublespeak.

“There’s a lot of free media in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: There are homeless people who have more money than this campaign does.

“I’m having a great time here in America’s Heartland.” TRANSLATION: I haven’t had this much fun since I had a barium enema.

"I'm delighted to share this stage with so many great people." TRANSLATION: The guy to my right is nuttier than squirrel turd. The bozo on my left is about as sharp as a cue ball.

“I would like to thank the lovely Jane Smith for that wonderful introduction.” TRANSLATION: I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight—I'm afraid she'd win.

“Let me be perfectly clear.” TRANSLATION: Uhoh I just quoted Nixon, one of the least trusted people in the history of American politics.

“Let me say this about that.” TRANSLATION: I have no idea how to answer the question I’ve just been asked.

“He says he will cut red tape. Right. He’ll cut it lengthwise.”
TRANSLATION: Even the politician is bored with his/her stump speech.

“His new proposal is weaker than a midget’s pinky.” TRANSLATION: That sausage I ate for breakfast repeats faster than a machine gun.

“I believe in America.” TRANSLATION, Did I just quote a line from The Godfather?

“We face unprecedented challenges.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I love that line. It scares people big time, and it doesn’t force me to commit to anything.

“Elect me to be your next president and one of the first things I will do will be to assemble a panel of experts to solve this problem.” TRANSLATION: I’m going to table this puppy til people are sunbathing in Siberia.

“His new proposal is such a mess, you’d have to think it was written by a co-hog.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I’m tired. And what the heck is a co-hog?

“I’m talking about a return to values. American values. The same values that made this country great, and the same values that will return this country to greatness.” TRANSLATION: If I say the word “values” enough, and do not, repeat do not qualify it with examples, or anything that reeks of deteail, if I say “values” enough people will think I have values that are similar to their values.

“It’s great to be in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: Gosh, it’s cold here.

“I support ethanol subsidies.” TRANSLATION: I know ethanol subsides raise the price of corn, I know ethanol doesn’t burn all that much cleaner than gas, I know ethanol isn’t all that good of an idea, but man can I pander!

“I do not believe in evolution.” TRANSLATION: The idiot who is asked me this question pretty much proves what I’am saying.

“The Iowa caucases are a great tradition” TRANSLATION: I know only four percent of the state votes. I know a caucus is not at all like a state-wide election. I know Iowa’s racial makeup does not reflect America’s. I know Iowa’s economic interests do not reflect America’s. But, I can pander better than a hungry hooker.

“He panders better than an hungry hooker.” TRANSLATION: God I’m good.

“There is something about Rudy.” TRANSLATION: I’m not going to say he’s got a temper like mule driver. I’m not going to say he surrounds himself with Yesmen. I’m not going to say he trotted around New York City in a dress a few times. I’m not going to say that he lived with gay men for a while. I’m not going to say that he has been married three times or that he flirts with a lot of very queer Democratic ideas, but I can infer all that.

“It’s still early.” TRANSLATION: I’m behind.

At this point in the campaing, polls are notoriously inaccurate.” TRANSLATION: All together now, It’s great to be in fifth place. It’s great to be in fifth place.

“With all due respect . . ..” TRANSLATION: I’m about to stab one of my opponents with a rhetorical sword.

“I’m glad you asked that question.” TRANSLATION: Are they ever going to stop harping on that. When that happened, Moby Dick was a minnow.

“I’m delighted to be in Ottumwa.” TRANSLATION: What kind of a hick city is this?

“When I first learned of the Senator’s comments on immigration, I thought, ‘This is bad.’ ” TRANSLATION: Did I just quote a line from The Titanic?

"I'm delighted we've had such a detailed discussion of the issues that are important to all of us." TRANSLATION: Thank goodness the media stay so far away from most of the issues. Where the media leads, the people will follow. I haven't had a tough question on an issue in days.

“I can’t wait to come back to Iowa,” TRANSLATION: We gotta get outta this place.

Regarding Henry

Henry Hyde died last week. From 1975-2007 he was a Republican congressman from Illinois. He was a pro-life, pro military Republican. He broke with is party on gun control and the war in Iraq. His actions led him to be tangled in the imbroglio we now politely refer to as the Savings and Loan Scandal. While he was an attack dog for the Clinton Impeachment hearing, Salon.com published a story stating he’d had an extra marital affair from 1965-1969.

Hyde is mentioned here for a story he told that helped stop term limits legislation. It gets my vote for one of the great political stories ever told. It went something like this. The brain surgeon is about to operate on you. You’re head has been shaved. There are markings on your head where the surgeon will operate. And you turn to him and ask, “You haven’t done this for more than two terms have you?”

Kudos

To PBS’s show Now for its report this week on a series of efforts to reduce voter turnout. The show details how picture ID requirements reduce the number of poor people who vote. It also explains a series of efforts that reduce the turnout of people who frequently vote Democratic.

Line of the Week

At the Middle East Peace Summit in Annapolis President Bush met with Israeli Prime Minister and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for a photo-op. And all parties involved were anxious to shake hands and get on with the serious business of what each party did to anger the other.

But the podium was in the way of the handshake.

This provoked Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to say to President Bush, “Mr. President, if we move from the podium, they will see us shaking hands together.”

Forgivable faux pas? Metaphor for Bush’s presidency?