Friday, December 7, 2007

Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?

Some of my best friends are mystical. They think their dreams tell them deep and pervasive truths. I’m not a mystical person. My dreams usually tell me to stay away from spicy foods. But yesterday I didn’t eat spicy food, and last night I had a very strange dream. I know it was a dream. But it seemed so clear and obvious and true—well, all that made it seem like it wasn’t a dream at all.

In the dream, Bush and Cheney were in the Oval Office. There was large portable cork board in the oval office too. On it pictures Hillary Clinton and Arianna Huffington had been hung with care. Each picture had a thick blue paper frame around it.

During the conversation, Bush threw red darts at the pictures.

My dream had a soundtrack. The Jefferson Airplane sang “Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?” They sang it to the tune of their sixties classic, “Somebody to Love.”

My dream started as Bush threw a dart. It barely hit the frame the outlining the picture of Hillary Clinton.

“Hitting the frame counts. Mr. President. Good shot.”

Bush smiled.

“Mr. President. I was sent in to talk with you about the NIE report on Iran.”

As Bush aimed a dart, he said, “I’m listnin.”

The Bad News

“Well the news is not good Mr. President. It’s not good at all. The National intelligence Estimate has issued a new report.”

“So?”

“Well there’s news in it sir.”

“Let’s have it.”

“Well according to the National Intelligence Estimate, Iran closed down its nuclear weapons program four years ago.”

“Who put the report together? Wing nuts and moonbats?”

“That’s a problem Mr. President. Our people put the report together.”

Bush hurled a dart. It flew high and wide to the right. It landed on the large chair that rests behind the desk in the Oval Office.

“Oooops.”

“Don’t worry sir. Our media unit has a great patch kit.”

“You don’t say?”

“Tomorrow you’ll never know there was a hole in that chair.”

“Don’t suppose it has a patch that covers Iraq?”

“No Mr. President. It only works on chairs and couches . . . and things like that.”

As Bush hurled a dart, he said, “I’d like to put a patch over the mouth of—”

The dart hit the picture of Hillary Clinton.

Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Cheney continued, “Mr. President, the NIE report was put together from reports from . . . ahh . . . many of our intelligence gathering services.”

“Our people wrote that report?”

Cheney nodded.

Bush said, “Traitors.”

“I agree Mr. President.”

“Look into it.”

“I’ve just begun to look into it.”

“Good work.”

Bush picked up another dart. “Dem fella’s in Iraq stopped buidlin nukes four years ago?”

“Iran.”

“What?”

“People in Iran stopped building nukes four years ago.”

“Iran, Iraq—whatever—four years ago they stopped building nukelear bombs?”

“That’s right Mr. President.”

“That was before the election.”

“Mr. President your math is improving.”

Red Card


The President smiled. Then he said, “For years now we’ve been goin ballistic about Iran.”

Cheney’s forehead wrinkled. Cheney pulled a red card out of his jacket. He looked at Bush, and in an angry tone said, “Racheting up the rhetoric.”

“Right.” Bush closed his eyes as he said, “Don’t’ say, Goin Ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric. Don’t say, Goin ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric.” Bush opened his eyes. “I got it.”

Cheney smiled and put the red card back in his jacket.

Bush threw a dart. It landed on Hillary Clinton’s face.

Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Then Cheney said, “The news I just told you about has brought bad news.”

“Let’s have it.”

“Well the Democrat bloggers are having a field day.”

“Bush threw a dart at the picture of Arianna Huffington.” It was wide right.

“Almost Mr. President.”

Bush threw another dart at Huffington’s picture. And then he threw another. The fourth dart hit the paper frame around Huffington’s picture.

“Good shot Mr. President!”

Change in Direction

Bush looked at Cheney. “Well we’ll just have ta find somethin else to get people scared about.”

“That’s a very intelligent comment Mr. President. To me it seems to be a lesson the Democrats never learn. But you’ve got it down pat.”

“Instincts. Always had good instincts.”

“Right Mr. President.”

As Bush aimed another dart, he said, “The Democrats are always scary. Could we try to scare the country about the Democrats? Imagine their idea to bust the budget for health care for kids. What do they think I am? Some kind of a dope? Kids don’t vote. Do they think I’m an idiot?”

“Mr. President, I have a meeting in an hour. It’s about what we should scare people about next sir.”

“Good job.”

“But this NIE report does present problems for us.”

Bush’s throw missed both pictures.

Good ol Days

“Tough shot Mr. President.”

Bush said, “Eisenhower. Eisenhower had it easy.”

“How so Mr. President?”

“It was easy for him to find someone to hate. The Cold War was goin on. And he had that dude—what was his name?”

“Joe McCarthy?”

“Right. Eisenhower had that McCarthy dude scarin every grandmother in the US about communists.”

“Right Mr. President.”

“Ahh, those were the good ol days.”

“Mr. President, obviously we’ll play the fear card.”

“What other card is there?”

“The Iranians are still enriching uranium. Obviously we’ll play the fear card with the enrichment thing.”

Bush nodded as he hurled a dart toward the picture of Hillary Clinton.

Cheney continued, “As opposed to the Bush tax cuts. Those tax cuts are enrichment things that work in a better way.”

They both smiled.

Cheney continued, “At the meeting I spoke about earlier, we’ll look at long term ramifications of this NIE report.”

Cheney’s Plan

Bush said, “So this NIE raport. That basically ends our plans for Iran.”

“Afraid so Mr. President.”

As Bush grabbed a dart, he said, “Your plan to scare the piss outta people about Iran n maybe drop a firecracker or two in their back yard. It was a good plan Dick.”

“Thank you Mr. President.”

“Would a diverted everyone from the election some. Sure as heck woulda stopped people worryin about the dang economy. Would a gone a long way toward helpin the party in November.”

“Bush threw a dart. It missed the picture of Hillary Clinton.”

Bush continued, “But what I really liked about your plan was it woulda allowed us ta do the things we need ta do.”

“You’re right again Mr. President. Sometimes The Constitution does get in the way of what’s right and best for America.”

“Dat’s my point! Dat’s exactly my point. Tha Constitution. In you’re meetin today, find somethin that will let us . . .”

“Bend.”

“Dat’s it. Dat’s exactly it.”

“Find something that will let us bend da Constitution.”

“Right Mr. President.”

Bush threw his last dart. It missed both pictures.

I have a memo here from Karl Rove. Cheney continued. Holding the memo, Cheney said, “Rove suggests you get bigger pictures.”

“Dat Karl. Dat Karl is a good ol boy. He never stops thinkin. Bigger pictures. Ain’t that an idea? Tommorra have someone get bigger pictures for me ta throw darts at.”

“Excellent idea Mr. President.”

“N get me a picture of that Oprera lady.”

“Ms. Winfrey?”

“Dats the one. Dat’s the one. Remember. Find something that will allow us to do the things we have to do to make this country great.”

Cheney nodded. Then he said, “Remember Mr. President. The Constitution is just a piece of paper.”

“That’s my boy Dick. That’s my boy.”


Line of the Week

Following the shooting death of Redskin’s safty Sean Taylor, there was a rush by many to speculate that events from Taylor's checkered past had provoked his attack and later death. Police now say that the assailants were burglars. Writing in Sports Illustrated, Jim Trotter noted, "Didn’t we learn anything from the Duke lacrosse case?"

A Short Political Dictionary

For politicians, few things are more hazardous than telling the truth.

My favorite example is President Carter’s energy initiative. Way back in 1977 then President Carter hoped to inspire Americans to solve it’s energy problems. He deemed the cause, “ the moral equivalent of war.” He was right. He spoke the truth. Had we followed his advice, we would not be in the energy mess we are in now. But people didn’t want to hear the truth. Many people laughed at him.

When he was governor, Jerry Brown suggested a satellite should be launched into orbit to speed emergency communications for the state. This proposal earned him the name Governor Moonbeam—and, you guessed, it laughter. California eventually adopted a similar proposal.

An esteemed political consultant initiates young candidates on the perils of the truth. He has the pols he advises read the short story, “Tombermory.” In the story, a cat talks, and get this, the cat tells the truth! Forget that a person has taught a cat—an animal with the brain the size of a walnut—to talk. Characters in the short story are so fed up with the truths the cat tells, that they deem it appropriate to have the cat killed.

As I write this in a warm hotel room in Des Moines, it is 12 degrees Farenheight outside. But the Iowa caucuses are merely weeks away. That means the rhetoric is heating up.

A Public Service

So, as a public service I offer a few translations of political doublespeak.

“There’s a lot of free media in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: There are homeless people who have more money than this campaign does.

“I’m having a great time here in America’s Heartland.” TRANSLATION: I haven’t had this much fun since I had a barium enema.

"I'm delighted to share this stage with so many great people." TRANSLATION: The guy to my right is nuttier than squirrel turd. The bozo on my left is about as sharp as a cue ball.

“I would like to thank the lovely Jane Smith for that wonderful introduction.” TRANSLATION: I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight—I'm afraid she'd win.

“Let me be perfectly clear.” TRANSLATION: Uhoh I just quoted Nixon, one of the least trusted people in the history of American politics.

“Let me say this about that.” TRANSLATION: I have no idea how to answer the question I’ve just been asked.

“He says he will cut red tape. Right. He’ll cut it lengthwise.”
TRANSLATION: Even the politician is bored with his/her stump speech.

“His new proposal is weaker than a midget’s pinky.” TRANSLATION: That sausage I ate for breakfast repeats faster than a machine gun.

“I believe in America.” TRANSLATION, Did I just quote a line from The Godfather?

“We face unprecedented challenges.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I love that line. It scares people big time, and it doesn’t force me to commit to anything.

“Elect me to be your next president and one of the first things I will do will be to assemble a panel of experts to solve this problem.” TRANSLATION: I’m going to table this puppy til people are sunbathing in Siberia.

“His new proposal is such a mess, you’d have to think it was written by a co-hog.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I’m tired. And what the heck is a co-hog?

“I’m talking about a return to values. American values. The same values that made this country great, and the same values that will return this country to greatness.” TRANSLATION: If I say the word “values” enough, and do not, repeat do not qualify it with examples, or anything that reeks of deteail, if I say “values” enough people will think I have values that are similar to their values.

“It’s great to be in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: Gosh, it’s cold here.

“I support ethanol subsidies.” TRANSLATION: I know ethanol subsides raise the price of corn, I know ethanol doesn’t burn all that much cleaner than gas, I know ethanol isn’t all that good of an idea, but man can I pander!

“I do not believe in evolution.” TRANSLATION: The idiot who is asked me this question pretty much proves what I’am saying.

“The Iowa caucases are a great tradition” TRANSLATION: I know only four percent of the state votes. I know a caucus is not at all like a state-wide election. I know Iowa’s racial makeup does not reflect America’s. I know Iowa’s economic interests do not reflect America’s. But, I can pander better than a hungry hooker.

“He panders better than an hungry hooker.” TRANSLATION: God I’m good.

“There is something about Rudy.” TRANSLATION: I’m not going to say he’s got a temper like mule driver. I’m not going to say he surrounds himself with Yesmen. I’m not going to say he trotted around New York City in a dress a few times. I’m not going to say that he lived with gay men for a while. I’m not going to say that he has been married three times or that he flirts with a lot of very queer Democratic ideas, but I can infer all that.

“It’s still early.” TRANSLATION: I’m behind.

At this point in the campaing, polls are notoriously inaccurate.” TRANSLATION: All together now, It’s great to be in fifth place. It’s great to be in fifth place.

“With all due respect . . ..” TRANSLATION: I’m about to stab one of my opponents with a rhetorical sword.

“I’m glad you asked that question.” TRANSLATION: Are they ever going to stop harping on that. When that happened, Moby Dick was a minnow.

“I’m delighted to be in Ottumwa.” TRANSLATION: What kind of a hick city is this?

“When I first learned of the Senator’s comments on immigration, I thought, ‘This is bad.’ ” TRANSLATION: Did I just quote a line from The Titanic?

"I'm delighted we've had such a detailed discussion of the issues that are important to all of us." TRANSLATION: Thank goodness the media stay so far away from most of the issues. Where the media leads, the people will follow. I haven't had a tough question on an issue in days.

“I can’t wait to come back to Iowa,” TRANSLATION: We gotta get outta this place.

Regarding Henry

Henry Hyde died last week. From 1975-2007 he was a Republican congressman from Illinois. He was a pro-life, pro military Republican. He broke with is party on gun control and the war in Iraq. His actions led him to be tangled in the imbroglio we now politely refer to as the Savings and Loan Scandal. While he was an attack dog for the Clinton Impeachment hearing, Salon.com published a story stating he’d had an extra marital affair from 1965-1969.

Hyde is mentioned here for a story he told that helped stop term limits legislation. It gets my vote for one of the great political stories ever told. It went something like this. The brain surgeon is about to operate on you. You’re head has been shaved. There are markings on your head where the surgeon will operate. And you turn to him and ask, “You haven’t done this for more than two terms have you?”

Kudos

To PBS’s show Now for its report this week on a series of efforts to reduce voter turnout. The show details how picture ID requirements reduce the number of poor people who vote. It also explains a series of efforts that reduce the turnout of people who frequently vote Democratic.

Line of the Week

At the Middle East Peace Summit in Annapolis President Bush met with Israeli Prime Minister and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for a photo-op. And all parties involved were anxious to shake hands and get on with the serious business of what each party did to anger the other.

But the podium was in the way of the handshake.

This provoked Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to say to President Bush, “Mr. President, if we move from the podium, they will see us shaking hands together.”

Forgivable faux pas? Metaphor for Bush’s presidency?