Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?

Some of my best friends are mystical. They think their dreams tell them deep and pervasive truths. I’m not a mystical person. My dreams usually tell me to stay away from spicy foods. But yesterday I didn’t eat spicy food, and last night I had a very strange dream. I know it was a dream. But it seemed so clear and obvious and true—well, all that made it seem like it wasn’t a dream at all.

In the dream, Bush and Cheney were in the Oval Office. There was large portable cork board in the oval office too. On it pictures Hillary Clinton and Arianna Huffington had been hung with care. Each picture had a thick blue paper frame around it.

During the conversation, Bush threw red darts at the pictures.

My dream had a soundtrack. The Jefferson Airplane sang “Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?” They sang it to the tune of their sixties classic, “Somebody to Love.”

My dream started as Bush threw a dart. It barely hit the frame the outlining the picture of Hillary Clinton.

“Hitting the frame counts. Mr. President. Good shot.”

Bush smiled.

“Mr. President. I was sent in to talk with you about the NIE report on Iran.”

As Bush aimed a dart, he said, “I’m listnin.”

The Bad News

“Well the news is not good Mr. President. It’s not good at all. The National intelligence Estimate has issued a new report.”

“So?”

“Well there’s news in it sir.”

“Let’s have it.”

“Well according to the National Intelligence Estimate, Iran closed down its nuclear weapons program four years ago.”

“Who put the report together? Wing nuts and moonbats?”

“That’s a problem Mr. President. Our people put the report together.”

Bush hurled a dart. It flew high and wide to the right. It landed on the large chair that rests behind the desk in the Oval Office.

“Oooops.”

“Don’t worry sir. Our media unit has a great patch kit.”

“You don’t say?”

“Tomorrow you’ll never know there was a hole in that chair.”

“Don’t suppose it has a patch that covers Iraq?”

“No Mr. President. It only works on chairs and couches . . . and things like that.”

As Bush hurled a dart, he said, “I’d like to put a patch over the mouth of—”

The dart hit the picture of Hillary Clinton.

Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Cheney continued, “Mr. President, the NIE report was put together from reports from . . . ahh . . . many of our intelligence gathering services.”

“Our people wrote that report?”

Cheney nodded.

Bush said, “Traitors.”

“I agree Mr. President.”

“Look into it.”

“I’ve just begun to look into it.”

“Good work.”

Bush picked up another dart. “Dem fella’s in Iraq stopped buidlin nukes four years ago?”

“Iran.”

“What?”

“People in Iran stopped building nukes four years ago.”

“Iran, Iraq—whatever—four years ago they stopped building nukelear bombs?”

“That’s right Mr. President.”

“That was before the election.”

“Mr. President your math is improving.”

Red Card

The President smiled. Then he said, “For years now we’ve been goin ballistic about Iran.”

Cheney’s forehead wrinkled. Cheney pulled a red card out of his jacket. He looked at Bush, and in an angry tone said, “Racheting up the rhetoric.”

“Right.” Bush closed his eyes as he said, “Don’t’ say, Goin Ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric. Don’t say, Goin ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric.” Bush opened his eyes. “I got it.”

Cheney smiled and put the red card back in his jacket.

Bush threw a dart. It landed on Hillary Clinton’s face.

Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Then Cheney said, “The news I just told you about has brought bad news.”

“Let’s have it.”

“Well the Democrat bloggers are having a field day.”

“Bush threw a dart at the picture of Arianna Huffington.” It was wide right.

“Almost Mr. President.”

Bush threw another dart at Huffington’s picture. And then he threw another. The fourth dart hit the paper frame around Huffington’s picture.

“Good shot Mr. President!”

Change in Direction

Bush looked at Cheney. “Well we’ll just have ta find somethin else to get people scared about.”

“That’s a very intelligent comment Mr. President. To me it seems to be a lesson the Democrats never learn. But you’ve got it down pat.”

“Instincts. Always had good instincts.”

“Right Mr. President.”

As Bush aimed another dart, he said, “The Democrats are always scary. Could we try to scare the country about the Democrats? Imagine their idea to bust the budget for health care for kids. What do they think I am? Some kind of a dope? Kids don’t vote. Do they think I’m an idiot?”

“Mr. President, I have a meeting in an hour. It’s about what we should scare people about next sir.”

“Good job.”

“But this NIE report does present problems for us.”

Bush’s throw missed both pictures.

Good ol Days

“Tough shot Mr. President.”

Bush said, “Eisenhower. Eisenhower had it easy.”

“How so Mr. President?”

“It was easy for him to find someone to hate. The Cold War was goin on. And he had that dude—what was his name?”

“Joe McCarthy?”

“Right. Eisenhower had that McCarthy dude scarin every grandmother in the US about communists.”

“Right Mr. President.”

“Ahh, those were the good ol days.”

“Mr. President, obviously we’ll play the fear card.”

“What other card is there?”

“The Iranians are still enriching uranium. Obviously we’ll play the fear card with the enrichment thing.”

Bush nodded as he hurled a dart toward the picture of Hillary Clinton.

Cheney continued, “As opposed to the Bush tax cuts. Those tax cuts are enrichment things that work in a better way.”

They both smiled.

Cheney continued, “At the meeting I spoke about earlier, we’ll look at long term ramifications of this NIE report.”

Cheney’s Plan

Bush said, “So this NIE raport. That basically ends our plans for Iran.”

“Afraid so Mr. President.”

As Bush grabbed a dart, he said, “Your plan to scare the piss outta people about Iran n maybe drop a firecracker or two in their back yard. It was a good plan Dick.”

“Thank you Mr. President.”

“Would a diverted everyone from the election some. Sure as heck woulda stopped people worryin about the dang economy. Would a gone a long way toward helpin the party in November.”

“Bush threw a dart. It missed the picture of Hillary Clinton.”

Bush continued, “But what I really liked about your plan was it woulda allowed us ta do the things we need ta do.”

“You’re right again Mr. President. Sometimes The Constitution does get in the way of what’s right and best for America.”

“Dat’s my point! Dat’s exactly my point. Tha Constitution. In you’re meetin today, find somethin that will let us . . .”

“Bend.”

“Dat’s it. Dat’s exactly it.”

“Find something that will let us bend da Constitution.”

“Right Mr. President.”

Bush threw his last dart. It missed both pictures.

I have a memo here from Karl Rove. Cheney continued. Holding the memo, Cheney said, “Rove suggests you get bigger pictures.”

“Dat Karl. Dat Karl is a good ol boy. He never stops thinkin. Bigger pictures. Ain’t that an idea? Tommorra have someone get bigger pictures for me ta throw darts at.”

“Excellent idea Mr. President.”

“N get me a picture of that Oprera lady.”

“Ms. Winfrey?”

“Dats the one. Dat’s the one. Remember. Find something that will allow us to do the things we have to do to make this country great.”

Cheney nodded. Then he said, “Remember Mr. President. The Constitution is just a piece of paper.”

“That’s my boy Dick. That’s my boy.”


Line of the Week

Following the shooting death of Redskin’s safty Sean Taylor, there was a rush by many to speculate that events from Taylor's checkered past had provoked his attack and later death. Police now say that the assailants were burglars. Writing in Sports Illustrated, Jim Trotter noted, "Didn’t we learn anything from the Duke lacrosse case?"