A Conversation from an Undisclosed Location

The other day Dick Cheney had an interesting conversation with one of his aides. The aide meant well. The aide meant to help the Veep create some talking points for a critique that could come up.

The aide began, “Well a Mr. Vice President, we need to brainstorm some strategies for questions that may come up.”

Cheney replied, “Good idea. By the way, as far as the media is concerned, where am I today?”

The aide responded, “Sir, per your directions you are at an undisclosed location.”

Cheney said, “Good. I heard a joke the other day. That shows I have a sense of humor doesn’t it?”

The aide replied, “Well sir, I think simply hearing a joke is not really evidence—”

Cheney barked back, “Course it is.”

The aide responded, “Very well sir.”

Cheney said, “The comic said that I will be the only person to be buried at an undisclosed location.”

The aide snickered.

Cheney asserted, “See, I do have a sense of humor.”

The aide said, “Right sir.”

Angers Easily

Cheney gave the aide an order, “Compile a list of people who have been buried at undisclosed locations.”

The aide responded quickly, “Right sir.”

Then Cheney said, “And look in to it.”

The aide asked, “What sir?”

Cheney replied, “Getting buried in an undisclosed location you idiot!”

The aide looked at his list. It was titled “Qualities of a Psychopath.” The first item on the list was, “Penchant for secrecy.” He frowned. Then he said, “Right sir. Now, if I may. The last few days have not been good days for you in the media.”

Cheney responded, “What do you mean?”

The aide commented, “Comments about your office not being entirely in the executive branch—well sir, these comments have the chattering classes chattering.”

Cheney’s face turned red. Then he shouted an expletive.

The aide looked at his list that noted the qualities of a psychopath. The second item on the list was, “Angers easily.” He shook his head. Then he said, “I have here before me a list of qualities.”

Cheney said, “Get to the point man. Get to the point.”

The aide looked at the list. The third item on the list was “impatient.” The aide said, “We need to be prepared for this sir. We need to be prepared—probably even with jokes.”

Cheney responded quickly, “Jokes? What am I supposed to be some sort of entertainer? Americans want tough politicians, if they wanted jokesters, they would elect wimpy Democrats—not strong, virile manly Republicans.”

The aide responded, “Right sir. Still we must develop some strategies.”

Cheney said, “Strategy smategy. Bring in the army. Mow em down. Raise the flag. Praise mothers. Play the national anthem.”

Meekly the aide said, “Sir, this list of qualities I have. Sir, they deal with specific physiological issues.”

Cheney shouted back, “Wimpy Democrat talk!”

The aide responded, “Precisely sir. The aide looked at his list. The next item on it was, ‘Veers off track easily.’”

Cheney’s face turned red. He stormed about his office. “Don’t these wimpy Democrats have anything better to do than come up with idiotic ideas?”

The aide whispered, “Sir the list wasn’t made by a Democrat.”

Cheney uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Then he said, “Independents!”

Press Find Something?

The aide cleared his throat. He gathered his courage, then he said, “Sir, the list was created by an expert. And he’s a Republican. That’s part of the problem. There’s more bad news. The list is all over the Internet. It’s so easy to find that we think that even the media will stumble onto it.”

Cheney shot back, “The media find something? You’ve got to be kidding!” Quickly Cheney rattled off a list of things the administration had done that the media had not yet discovered.

The aide said, “Sadly sir all kinds of computer searches lead to this list. Somehow it got tangled up with nude pictures of Paris Hilton.”

Cheney slammed his hand into his fist. Then he said, “Damn, they’re sure to find it then.”

Cheney paced. Then he said, “Okay, let’s have at it.”

The aide responded, “I have before me qualities. Sir, this may be difficult to take sir.”

Cheney said, “I’m tough.”

The aide continued, “Well sir. I have before me ‘Qualities of a Psychopath.’ ”

Cheney chuckled. “Who says I don’t have a sense of humor?” He chuckled again. “Describes Hillary doesn’t it?”

The aide looked away.

Cheney stopped pacing and stared at the view. He said, “Wyoming is great this time of year.”

The aide responded, “Sir our time is almost up. And we must get to this.”

Cheney asked the aide, “Do you hunt?”

The aide looked at his list. He looked at Cheney. He shook his head. He cleared his throat. “Sir, according to this list sir, psychopaths tend to avoid questions. They tend to avoid taking responsibility.”

Cheney said, “Nonsense. Look how I took responsibility for shooting my buddy.”

The aide responded, “Sir, the wimpy Democrats will respond that you waited a long time to address that sir.”

Cheney swore. He uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Cheney paced. His face turned red again. He pounded one fist into another again. Cheney uttered an expletive about what wimpy Democrats should do to themselves.

The aide responded, “Another good idea sir. But if you will look at the next item on the list, it says, ‘They fly into rages.’ ”

Cheney stormed about his office. His face turned red. He pounded one fist into the other. “You think this is a rage? I’ll show you a rage!”

Remorse

The aide responded, “Sir, I don’t think that will be necessary. This next one could prove difficult.” The aide cleared his throat again. Then he said,“ ‘Psychopath’s lack remorse.’ ”

Cheney shouted, “Remorse! What is this poppycock? I showed remorse after I shot my friend.”

The aide said, “Wimpy democrats will point to the number of civilians killed in the Iraq war. They will say that most days more civilians are killed. They will suggest that our numbers about the civilian dead in Iraq are very conservative. They will make a case that you have not shown remorse on this matter.”

Cheney continued to pace. He was not talking now, he was shouting, “I showed sorrow. Go dig up some picture of me.”

The aide asked, “Picture?”

Cheney responded, “There’s one where I’m with President Ford . . . and we’re together . . . and I was crying.”

The aide said, “Sir, you were watching a football game.”

Cheney nodded. “It was a horrible day.”

The aide continued, “A team from Wyoming lost in the last seconds.”

Cheney said, “That’s remorse.”

The aide added, “Right sir.”

Cheney said, “Good work. Hit em when they’re not ready. Release the picture before the end of the day. Say it’s a routine thing. That’ll show remorse—if this remorse thing comes up.”

Cheney smiled.

The aide smiled.

Cheney continued, “This idea to inoculate me against this idiot charge that I’m a psychopath. This is an excellent idea I had isn’t it?”

The aide said, “Well yes it would be sir, if it was your idea.”

Cheney: “What’s the next thing on your list?”

The aide suddenly found the view out the window interesting. Cheney asked what the next item on the list was.

The aide said that he really must be going.

Cheney barked, “What’s the next thing on your” he uttered an expletive “list?”

In a whisper the aide said, “Takes credit for the work of others.”

Quickly Cheney said, “Let’s move along. I’ve got a parade or something to go to don’t I?”

The aide said, “Yes sir. Some passionate supporters wish to throw a celebration for you.”

Cheney’s chest puffed up, and he smiled. “Ah yes.”

“It’s to celebrate a comment you made about the war in Iraq. You made the comment during the run up to the war in Iraq.”

Cheney said, “Ahh those were the days.”

The aide continued. “Sir a party hack . . . a party official found a picture of an Iraqi hugging an American soldier. A group want to celebrate the comment you made about how the Iraqi’s will welcome us as liberators.”

Cheney stared out the window for a while. Eventually he mumbled, “May not be a good idea to celebrate that.”

The aide added, “Your supporters are very excited about the event sir.”

Hen’s Teeth

Cheney smiled, “Well it would be unwise not to yield to the wishes of our loyal supporters.”

The aide responded, “Especially now sir. Especially considering your supporters are about as rare as hen’s teeth.”

Cheney turned to face the aide, “I just saw a pile of hen’s teeth. Thousands of the things. It’s a myth that they’re rare. “

The aide responded “Right sir.”

Cheney started pacing again. “We should gather more of them. Store them at—”

Excitedly the aide added, “At one of your undisclosed locations.”

Cheney smiled. “Very good! I’m glad I thought of that.”

The aide said, “Sir I do recall. Well there was something over a year ago. Scientists induced chickens to grow teeth.”

Cheney added, “Of course they did! Was it one of those amazing tobacco scientists who can’t find smoking causes cancer?”

The aide shook his head.

Cheney asked, “One of those National Rifle Association scientists who show that guns don’t promote violence?”

The aide said, “No sir. One of the scientists was from the University of Wisconsin. He and others claim that growing teeth in chickens will help us understand evolution more.”

Cheney screamed at the aide. “We aren’t using that word in this office you idiot!”

The aide panicked. The aide’s mind raced as he wondered what word he was not supposed to use. Then he remembered. “Sorry sir. I won’t use the ‘e’ word again.”

The aide looked at the list. He frowned. He said, “I think discussing the rest of the items on this list. Well sir, I don’ think that would be very productive.” The aide looked at watch. “And besides sir, we’re just about out of time.”

Cheney said, “Hen’s teeth. Good idea. Get right on it. Collect a lot of em.”

The aide said, “Right sir. The next item on your schedule has you attending an event.”

Cheney said, “Oh really.”

The aide replied, “Yes sir. It should be fun. Ann Coulter is opening a charm school.”