Steroids in Baseball, Global Warming, and Iraq

Our neighbors are hosting a foreign exchange student named Suddya. He is from the Ukraine, and he is an unusually bright young man. Occasionally, he wanders by to ask me questions about America. Soon after the Mitchell Report came out on the use of steroids and other unauthorized substances in baseball, Suddya came by.

I opened a few soft drinks, and we sat down.

“In my city, some very . . . how do you say? . . . not good people came into town. Zey had wild parties dat lasted late into da night.”

“Were they political fundraisers?”

“No.”

“Zey stole. Zey cheated.”

“Oh, so you had Hollywood accountants visit the Ukraine?”

“No.”

“Zey did drugs and drank and made much bad news.”

“Brittney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were in the Ukraine.”

“I think they were what you call organized crime, the Mobe.”

“The Mob?”

Suddya smiled at his mistake. Then he nodded. “What you would call a sheriff kicked their cans out of town.”

“You have a very good sheriff.”

“Kicking za tin down za pike.”

“Dis phrase you have in Amerika, Kicking za tin down za pike. ”

“Do you mean, Kicking the can down the road?”

“Yes. Dat is da phrase. It means?”

“It means that we are not solving the problem now. We are waiting until later. We are postponing. We are procrastinating.”

“And for years . . . dis applied to baseball and steroids?”

“Yes. Long before lots of people started asking questions, baseball players started to look like the Michelin Man.”

Suddya had seen a great deal of American television. He knew what the Michelin Man looked like. “So rather dan solve za problems steroids created, rather dan solve dos problems early, baseball vaited til later?”

“Yes. This is what ‘kicking the can down the road’ means.”

“But vaiting to solve da problem later, dat means when [the] problem is addressed, well by then [the] problem is worse.”

“Exactly.”

Suddya asked, “Vhy did baseball vait so long to address [this] problem?”

“A lot of it has to do with money. When baseball players were hitting baseballs as if they were golf balls, lots of people came to see the games.”

“Vat you call revenues, dey went up?”

“Talk of steroids would have lowered revenues.”

Suddya asked, “Von’t revenues be hurt more because of da long wait to solve da problem?”

“Probably.”

“And because da leaders didn’t do anything, din’t za problem . . . become worse?”

“Certainly.”

“I think I don’t understand America bery well.”

“The classic response is that leaders don’t want to make waves. It will damage their credibility.”


“Isn’t vat you call credibility, isn’t dat ruined . . . for not acting sooner?”

“Good point.”

“Won’t the man who runs baseball lose his job?”

“Probably not.”

“Why not?”

“Because the owners like him.”

“But he screwed down.”

“In America we call this screwing up.”

Suddya smiled at his mistake.

“Dis is nonsense.”

“Most look at it this way: If the commissioner of baseball had brought attention to the steroid problem years ago, it would have caused controversy. Attendance would have declined. Baseball’s television ratings would have declined. Owners would have objected. The players union would have objected. A lot of fans would have objected. The commissioner might have lost his job . . . But if he waits til the problem is out in the open, and then he addresses it, he is seen as a problem solver.”

Suddya’s forehead was a sea of wrinkles. “Dis is nonsense. Da problem got much worse. The cost vill be higher. Some players who took steroids vill have shorter lives. Kids who took steroids because their athletic heroes did vill have shorter lives.”

“You are, of course, right.”

Suddya asked, “Aren’t there plenty of vays da head of baseball could have drawn attention to dis problem?”

“Yes. But most would have required the commissioner of baseball to get his hands very dirty.”

“Aren’t dere plenty of vays da commissioner could have drawn attention to the problem vithout getting his feet filthy?”

“The expression is ‘getting your hands dirty.’ And the answer to your question is, ‘Yes’ there are plenty of ways any leader can raise in interest in an issue without getting his hands dirty.”

“In Da Godfather, there vere reporters who wrote vat the Godfather wanted.”

“That is a good point. In America there is no shortage of reporters who will report what almost anyone wants reported.”

“Da movie Amazing Grace recently came out on DVD.”

I nodded.

“In the movie, da prime minister and a man named Wilberforce team up to end da slave trade in England. Wilberforce got his hands dirty, the prime minster, he vorked behind the scenes.”

“You are very smart young man.”

“Certainly da head of baseball knows . . . how do you say?”

“How to finesse a situation like the one he was in?”

Suddya smiled. “Yes. Dat is what I meant.”

“Clearly the commissioner didn’t have the will.”

Not Just Baseball

Suddya started waiving his hands in the air and talking loudly. A television network studio executive could have realized that Suddya was upset. “And it’s not just baseball! Decades ago ve had da greenhouse effect. Only now are ve really beginning to do something about dis global warming.”

I nodded.

Suddya continued, “De other day where I lives, we had to clean up old newspapers and magazines. I played kooky and read a few.”

“Hooky. You played hooky.”

He smiled at his mistake. “I read lots of old stories about za war in Iraq. In Iraq, Bush has done a lot of kicking za tin down za pike.”

I nodded.

“And because of dat da government in Iraq is a mess. And because of dat the police in Iraq are a mess. Dis kicking za tin, it creates big problems, no?”

“Yes, it creates big problems.”

“And da Democrats. Did dey stop Bush from kicking za tin?”

“No.”

“So dis kicking za tin down the pike, it seems to be very American? Yes?”

“Yes. It is very American.”

“I have one more question. In Amerika you call da Mobe—”

“The mob.”

Suddya smiled at his mistake. “In America, you call da Mob, organized crime, yes?”

“This is correct.”

“Well this mistake dat comes from kicking za tin down za pike, dis waiting so long to address steroids in baseball, dis waiting so long to address global warming, dis waiting so long to address da government in Iraq, is dis disorganized crime?”

Line of the Week

“Education is the engine that makes American democracy work. And it has to work, and that means people have to have access.” Harvard’s president, Drew Faust, on the announcement that the university will significantly increase aid to many students.