There are times when life imitates satire. One happened recently when George Bush commented on his education policy, “Childrens do learn.” Way back in April during the first Democratic presidential debate, Joe Biden, a man who is not known for his brevity, answered a question with a one word answer. Students of satire wait with baited breath for those moments when Hillary Clinton is warm and funny at the same moment, the powers that be in baseball show something that represents a backbone, and Paris Hilton turns down an opportunity to be photographed.
But I have left out one of the most absurd processes known to humanity: the Iowa Caucuses.
Whether you are a romantic or a cynic, I think you have to agree that the President of the United States holds a position of considerable influence and authority.
Given it’s importance, shouldn’t the first formal step in the election process be a sane one?
Of course it should.
Is it?
Of course not. Exhibit A: the Iowa Caucuses.
Is Iowa a microcosm of America? Let’s see, Iowa is 91% white.
That doesn’t represent America.
Does it have the same urban/rural mix as the US?
No.
It its median income in the economic middle of the US?
No.
Religiously, does it represent America?
No.
In national elections, does it have a history of voting for the candidate who is elected President?
No.
There’s more bad news.
Is the process that voters go through during the Iowa caucuses similar to the one they will visit later?
No way.
During the Iowa Caucuses less than seven per cent of the Iowa voting public meet in rooms and yak for a couple hours. They make a convoluted journey through a minefield of complex rules. The sum of these idiocies leads one candidate being declared a winner.
However, there is one tremendous benefit the Iowa primary gives us. Iowa is a relatively small state. Candidates can meet and talk with Iowans in small arenas. This is a good thing.
Let’s remember a purpose of a primary is to select the candidate from a party who is most likely to win the presidential election. Therefore, it is an excellent idea to hold the first primary in a state that is a microcosm of the United States.
The benefits of the first electoral exercise are obvious. The winner gets a tremendous boost. If the candidate gets this boost from a state that is a microcosm of the US, that victory will be good for the candidate, the candidate’s party, and the country.
Missouri Gold
Right now, Missouri is the state that is most like the US. It has the same rural/urban mix as the nation. It has the same percentage of Christians, African-Americans, and union workers as the nation. It ranks twenty-seventh in median income—for those of you who are mathematically challenged, that’s one step away from being exactly in the middle. Like the US, it has two blue coasts (the areas around St. Louis and Kansas City) with a large area of red in between.
Missouri is not one of the behemoth states. Relative to some of the electoral monsters out there, it’s downright small. It is roughly ten per cent larger than Iowa.
There’s more good news. Given the various ways that Missouri mimics the US, it should not surprise that Missourians have voted for the president longer than any other state. They’ve done so since 1960. If you allow one exception, in 1956 when it voted for Stevenson, the string goes back to 1904!
I am not advocating that the first primary be held in Missouri for the next century. I am advocating that the first primary be held in the state that comes closest to serving as a microcosm for the US.
Also, the first electoral exercise should mimic the larger exercise many of us go through the first Tuesday in November. It shouldn’t be an event where a tiny percentage of the state’s population participates. It should be a statewide election.
Call it the Little America Primary.
Regarding That Regional Primary Thing
Rightly, there is a good deal of support for rotating regional primaries. There are various plans. All divide the country into regions and rotate the regions. This would be a very good thing. Every region would get a turn at going first. Most years most regions would have a say in the nominating process. Rotating regional primaries would eradicate the primary traffic jam we will experience in 2008. However, most rotating regional primary proposals keep the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary in tact.
The New Hampshire Primary is another bad tradition of American politics. New Hampshire is 97 per cent white. It ranks first in median income. It has no history of voting with the country for the candidate who becomes president. New Hampshire doesn’t mimic the demographics of the nation.
But like Iowa, New Hampshire is a small state. This allows candidates to meet and listen and talk with citizens.
Small States
I suggest we keep the benefits of the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary. Elevate the importance of the small states. It’s easy.
Require each region to vote in a particular month. Have Region One votes in February, Region Two in March, and so forth. Hold the first primary in a region in one of the small states in the region.
Every region has one humongous state. You know what I’m talking about, states like California, New York, and Texas. If the primaries held there occur on the same dates of other primaries in the region, the large states will steal most of the thunder. So let the biggest state in terms in a region—at least in terms of electoral wallop—have a stand alone primary.
That leaves two weekends for the rest of the region. Bundle the states together so that it is easier for the candidates to campaign and to buy television time. This will mean each region will have a southern section and a northern section.
To be fair, rotation within a region will be necessary. The small states in the region can rotate to determine which goes first. During one election cycle the southern section would go first, in the next, the northern.
Let’s summarize. The ides of a rotating regional primary is a very good one. But kick things off with a primary in a state that most represents America. Then in February start a series of regional primaries. Dedicate the first primary in each region to a small state. Give the Big Kahuna in each region a stand-alone. And let’s help the candidates a little and bundle the rest of the region into two sub sections. And within each region, rotate.
Call it the Fair Primary.
Some other Good Ideas
Every contest is a primary—no straw votes, no caucuses, no beauty contests.
All primaries have proportional representation. If a candidate wins half the vote, that candidate is awarded half the delegates.
So that people who work have more of an opportunity to vote, hold the elections on Friday and Saturday.
Polls close at the same time on Saturday throughout the region. Because all the states in a particular primary will be in one or two time zones, this should not be difficult.
But polls may open early. And on Friday they may remain open late. For example, areas with a large Jewish population may elect to have polls open early on Friday to allow plenty of time for people to vote before the Sabbath begins. Some areas may elect to remain open late on Friday—so that people have plenty of time to vote after work.
Make the first primary an open primary. Voters may vote once for candidate from any party. This will make the sampling even more like a cross section of America.
All these ideas will make the process more fair. And every election season it will invite new groups of people into the process. This should stimulate interest in a process central to the lives of all of us.
This would be a good thing.
Natterings
Nattering nabobs of negativity will raise all sorts of flags. The first will revolve around tradition.
My response. . . If it’s a bad tradition, change it.
Another will response will be, How will the current system be changed?
The parties, realizing what a mess things are this year should address the problem.
Call me old-fashioned, mid-Victorian, and all too provincial, but it seems to me that if something is broken and you are going to fix it, it is far better to fix the thing completely—rather than do a patch job.The current primary system is silly and chaotic. The rush to be heard early in the process is a just a symptom of a larger problem within the process we have now.
The Fair Primary is a vast improvement to the way we do things now—and it is darn close to fair.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Steroids in Baseball, Global Warming, and Iraq
Our neighbors are hosting a foreign exchange student named Suddya. He is from the Ukraine, and he is an unusually bright young man. Occasionally, he wanders by to ask me questions about America. Soon after the Mitchell Report came out on the use of steroids and other unauthorized substances in baseball, Suddya came by.
I opened a few soft drinks, and we sat down.
“In my city, some very . . . how do you say? . . . not good people came into town. Zey had wild parties dat lasted late into da night.”
“Were they political fundraisers?”
“No.”
“Zey stole. Zey cheated.”
“Oh, so you had Hollywood accountants visit the Ukraine?”
“No.”
“Zey did drugs and drank and made much bad news.”
“Brittney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were in the Ukraine.”
“I think they were what you call organized crime, the Mobe.”
“The Mob?”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. Then he nodded. “What you would call a sheriff kicked their cans out of town.”
“You have a very good sheriff.”
“Kicking za tin down za pike.”
“Dis phrase you have in Amerika, Kicking za tin down za pike. ”
“Do you mean, Kicking the can down the road?”
“Yes. Dat is da phrase. It means?”
“It means that we are not solving the problem now. We are waiting until later. We are postponing. We are procrastinating.”
“And for years . . . dis applied to baseball and steroids?”
“Yes. Long before lots of people started asking questions, baseball players started to look like the Michelin Man.”
Suddya had seen a great deal of American television. He knew what the Michelin Man looked like. “So rather dan solve za problems steroids created, rather dan solve dos problems early, baseball vaited til later?”
“Yes. This is what ‘kicking the can down the road’ means.”
“But vaiting to solve da problem later, dat means when [the] problem is addressed, well by then [the] problem is worse.”
“Exactly.”
Suddya asked, “Vhy did baseball vait so long to address [this] problem?”
“A lot of it has to do with money. When baseball players were hitting baseballs as if they were golf balls, lots of people came to see the games.”
“Vat you call revenues, dey went up?”
“Talk of steroids would have lowered revenues.”
Suddya asked, “Von’t revenues be hurt more because of da long wait to solve da problem?”
“Probably.”
“And because da leaders didn’t do anything, din’t za problem . . . become worse?”
“Certainly.”
“I think I don’t understand America bery well.”
“The classic response is that leaders don’t want to make waves. It will damage their credibility.”
“Isn’t vat you call credibility, isn’t dat ruined . . . for not acting sooner?”
“Good point.”
“Won’t the man who runs baseball lose his job?”
“Probably not.”
“Why not?”
“Because the owners like him.”
“But he screwed down.”
“In America we call this screwing up.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake.
“Dis is nonsense.”
“Most look at it this way: If the commissioner of baseball had brought attention to the steroid problem years ago, it would have caused controversy. Attendance would have declined. Baseball’s television ratings would have declined. Owners would have objected. The players union would have objected. A lot of fans would have objected. The commissioner might have lost his job . . . But if he waits til the problem is out in the open, and then he addresses it, he is seen as a problem solver.”
Suddya’s forehead was a sea of wrinkles. “Dis is nonsense. Da problem got much worse. The cost vill be higher. Some players who took steroids vill have shorter lives. Kids who took steroids because their athletic heroes did vill have shorter lives.”
“You are, of course, right.”
Suddya asked, “Aren’t there plenty of vays da head of baseball could have drawn attention to dis problem?”
“Yes. But most would have required the commissioner of baseball to get his hands very dirty.”
“Aren’t dere plenty of vays da commissioner could have drawn attention to the problem vithout getting his feet filthy?”
“The expression is ‘getting your hands dirty.’ And the answer to your question is, ‘Yes’ there are plenty of ways any leader can raise in interest in an issue without getting his hands dirty.”
“In Da Godfather, there vere reporters who wrote vat the Godfather wanted.”
“That is a good point. In America there is no shortage of reporters who will report what almost anyone wants reported.”
“Da movie Amazing Grace recently came out on DVD.”
I nodded.
“In the movie, da prime minister and a man named Wilberforce team up to end da slave trade in England. Wilberforce got his hands dirty, the prime minster, he vorked behind the scenes.”
“You are very smart young man.”
“Certainly da head of baseball knows . . . how do you say?”
“How to finesse a situation like the one he was in?”
Suddya smiled. “Yes. Dat is what I meant.”
“Clearly the commissioner didn’t have the will.”
Not Just Baseball
Suddya started waiving his hands in the air and talking loudly. A television network studio executive could have realized that Suddya was upset. “And it’s not just baseball! Decades ago ve had da greenhouse effect. Only now are ve really beginning to do something about dis global warming.”
I nodded.
Suddya continued, “De other day where I lives, we had to clean up old newspapers and magazines. I played kooky and read a few.”
“Hooky. You played hooky.”
He smiled at his mistake. “I read lots of old stories about za war in Iraq. In Iraq, Bush has done a lot of kicking za tin down za pike.”
I nodded.
“And because of dat da government in Iraq is a mess. And because of dat the police in Iraq are a mess. Dis kicking za tin, it creates big problems, no?”
“Yes, it creates big problems.”
“And da Democrats. Did dey stop Bush from kicking za tin?”
“No.”
“So dis kicking za tin down the pike, it seems to be very American? Yes?”
“Yes. It is very American.”
“I have one more question. In Amerika you call da Mobe—”
“The mob.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. “In America, you call da Mob, organized crime, yes?”
“This is correct.”
“Well this mistake dat comes from kicking za tin down za pike, dis waiting so long to address steroids in baseball, dis waiting so long to address global warming, dis waiting so long to address da government in Iraq, is dis disorganized crime?”
Line of the Week
“Education is the engine that makes American democracy work. And it has to work, and that means people have to have access.” Harvard’s president, Drew Faust, on the announcement that the university will significantly increase aid to many students.
I opened a few soft drinks, and we sat down.
“In my city, some very . . . how do you say? . . . not good people came into town. Zey had wild parties dat lasted late into da night.”
“Were they political fundraisers?”
“No.”
“Zey stole. Zey cheated.”
“Oh, so you had Hollywood accountants visit the Ukraine?”
“No.”
“Zey did drugs and drank and made much bad news.”
“Brittney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were in the Ukraine.”
“I think they were what you call organized crime, the Mobe.”
“The Mob?”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. Then he nodded. “What you would call a sheriff kicked their cans out of town.”
“You have a very good sheriff.”
“Kicking za tin down za pike.”
“Dis phrase you have in Amerika, Kicking za tin down za pike. ”
“Do you mean, Kicking the can down the road?”
“Yes. Dat is da phrase. It means?”
“It means that we are not solving the problem now. We are waiting until later. We are postponing. We are procrastinating.”
“And for years . . . dis applied to baseball and steroids?”
“Yes. Long before lots of people started asking questions, baseball players started to look like the Michelin Man.”
Suddya had seen a great deal of American television. He knew what the Michelin Man looked like. “So rather dan solve za problems steroids created, rather dan solve dos problems early, baseball vaited til later?”
“Yes. This is what ‘kicking the can down the road’ means.”
“But vaiting to solve da problem later, dat means when [the] problem is addressed, well by then [the] problem is worse.”
“Exactly.”
Suddya asked, “Vhy did baseball vait so long to address [this] problem?”
“A lot of it has to do with money. When baseball players were hitting baseballs as if they were golf balls, lots of people came to see the games.”
“Vat you call revenues, dey went up?”
“Talk of steroids would have lowered revenues.”
Suddya asked, “Von’t revenues be hurt more because of da long wait to solve da problem?”
“Probably.”
“And because da leaders didn’t do anything, din’t za problem . . . become worse?”
“Certainly.”
“I think I don’t understand America bery well.”
“The classic response is that leaders don’t want to make waves. It will damage their credibility.”
“Isn’t vat you call credibility, isn’t dat ruined . . . for not acting sooner?”
“Good point.”
“Won’t the man who runs baseball lose his job?”
“Probably not.”
“Why not?”
“Because the owners like him.”
“But he screwed down.”
“In America we call this screwing up.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake.
“Dis is nonsense.”
“Most look at it this way: If the commissioner of baseball had brought attention to the steroid problem years ago, it would have caused controversy. Attendance would have declined. Baseball’s television ratings would have declined. Owners would have objected. The players union would have objected. A lot of fans would have objected. The commissioner might have lost his job . . . But if he waits til the problem is out in the open, and then he addresses it, he is seen as a problem solver.”
Suddya’s forehead was a sea of wrinkles. “Dis is nonsense. Da problem got much worse. The cost vill be higher. Some players who took steroids vill have shorter lives. Kids who took steroids because their athletic heroes did vill have shorter lives.”
“You are, of course, right.”
Suddya asked, “Aren’t there plenty of vays da head of baseball could have drawn attention to dis problem?”
“Yes. But most would have required the commissioner of baseball to get his hands very dirty.”
“Aren’t dere plenty of vays da commissioner could have drawn attention to the problem vithout getting his feet filthy?”
“The expression is ‘getting your hands dirty.’ And the answer to your question is, ‘Yes’ there are plenty of ways any leader can raise in interest in an issue without getting his hands dirty.”
“In Da Godfather, there vere reporters who wrote vat the Godfather wanted.”
“That is a good point. In America there is no shortage of reporters who will report what almost anyone wants reported.”
“Da movie Amazing Grace recently came out on DVD.”
I nodded.
“In the movie, da prime minister and a man named Wilberforce team up to end da slave trade in England. Wilberforce got his hands dirty, the prime minster, he vorked behind the scenes.”
“You are very smart young man.”
“Certainly da head of baseball knows . . . how do you say?”
“How to finesse a situation like the one he was in?”
Suddya smiled. “Yes. Dat is what I meant.”
“Clearly the commissioner didn’t have the will.”
Not Just Baseball
Suddya started waiving his hands in the air and talking loudly. A television network studio executive could have realized that Suddya was upset. “And it’s not just baseball! Decades ago ve had da greenhouse effect. Only now are ve really beginning to do something about dis global warming.”
I nodded.
Suddya continued, “De other day where I lives, we had to clean up old newspapers and magazines. I played kooky and read a few.”
“Hooky. You played hooky.”
He smiled at his mistake. “I read lots of old stories about za war in Iraq. In Iraq, Bush has done a lot of kicking za tin down za pike.”
I nodded.
“And because of dat da government in Iraq is a mess. And because of dat the police in Iraq are a mess. Dis kicking za tin, it creates big problems, no?”
“Yes, it creates big problems.”
“And da Democrats. Did dey stop Bush from kicking za tin?”
“No.”
“So dis kicking za tin down the pike, it seems to be very American? Yes?”
“Yes. It is very American.”
“I have one more question. In Amerika you call da Mobe—”
“The mob.”
Suddya smiled at his mistake. “In America, you call da Mob, organized crime, yes?”
“This is correct.”
“Well this mistake dat comes from kicking za tin down za pike, dis waiting so long to address steroids in baseball, dis waiting so long to address global warming, dis waiting so long to address da government in Iraq, is dis disorganized crime?”
Line of the Week
“Education is the engine that makes American democracy work. And it has to work, and that means people have to have access.” Harvard’s president, Drew Faust, on the announcement that the university will significantly increase aid to many students.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?
Some of my best friends are mystical. They think their dreams tell them deep and pervasive truths. I’m not a mystical person. My dreams usually tell me to stay away from spicy foods. But yesterday I didn’t eat spicy food, and last night I had a very strange dream. I know it was a dream. But it seemed so clear and obvious and true—well, all that made it seem like it wasn’t a dream at all.
In the dream, Bush and Cheney were in the Oval Office. There was large portable cork board in the oval office too. On it pictures Hillary Clinton and Arianna Huffington had been hung with care. Each picture had a thick blue paper frame around it.
During the conversation, Bush threw red darts at the pictures.
My dream had a soundtrack. The Jefferson Airplane sang “Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?” They sang it to the tune of their sixties classic, “Somebody to Love.”
My dream started as Bush threw a dart. It barely hit the frame the outlining the picture of Hillary Clinton.
“Hitting the frame counts. Mr. President. Good shot.”
Bush smiled.
“Mr. President. I was sent in to talk with you about the NIE report on Iran.”
As Bush aimed a dart, he said, “I’m listnin.”
The Bad News
“Well the news is not good Mr. President. It’s not good at all. The National intelligence Estimate has issued a new report.”
“So?”
“Well there’s news in it sir.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well according to the National Intelligence Estimate, Iran closed down its nuclear weapons program four years ago.”
“Who put the report together? Wing nuts and moonbats?”
“That’s a problem Mr. President. Our people put the report together.”
Bush hurled a dart. It flew high and wide to the right. It landed on the large chair that rests behind the desk in the Oval Office.
“Oooops.”
“Don’t worry sir. Our media unit has a great patch kit.”
“You don’t say?”
“Tomorrow you’ll never know there was a hole in that chair.”
“Don’t suppose it has a patch that covers Iraq?”
“No Mr. President. It only works on chairs and couches . . . and things like that.”
As Bush hurled a dart, he said, “I’d like to put a patch over the mouth of—”
The dart hit the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Cheney continued, “Mr. President, the NIE report was put together from reports from . . . ahh . . . many of our intelligence gathering services.”
“Our people wrote that report?”
Cheney nodded.
Bush said, “Traitors.”
“I agree Mr. President.”
“Look into it.”
“I’ve just begun to look into it.”
“Good work.”
Bush picked up another dart. “Dem fella’s in Iraq stopped buidlin nukes four years ago?”
“Iran.”
“What?”
“People in Iran stopped building nukes four years ago.”
“Iran, Iraq—whatever—four years ago they stopped building nukelear bombs?”
“That’s right Mr. President.”
“That was before the election.”
“Mr. President your math is improving.”
Red Card
The President smiled. Then he said, “For years now we’ve been goin ballistic about Iran.”
Cheney’s forehead wrinkled. Cheney pulled a red card out of his jacket. He looked at Bush, and in an angry tone said, “Racheting up the rhetoric.”
“Right.” Bush closed his eyes as he said, “Don’t’ say, Goin Ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric. Don’t say, Goin ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric.” Bush opened his eyes. “I got it.”
Cheney smiled and put the red card back in his jacket.
Bush threw a dart. It landed on Hillary Clinton’s face.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Then Cheney said, “The news I just told you about has brought bad news.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well the Democrat bloggers are having a field day.”
“Bush threw a dart at the picture of Arianna Huffington.” It was wide right.
“Almost Mr. President.”
Bush threw another dart at Huffington’s picture. And then he threw another. The fourth dart hit the paper frame around Huffington’s picture.
“Good shot Mr. President!”
Change in Direction
Bush looked at Cheney. “Well we’ll just have ta find somethin else to get people scared about.”
“That’s a very intelligent comment Mr. President. To me it seems to be a lesson the Democrats never learn. But you’ve got it down pat.”
“Instincts. Always had good instincts.”
“Right Mr. President.”
As Bush aimed another dart, he said, “The Democrats are always scary. Could we try to scare the country about the Democrats? Imagine their idea to bust the budget for health care for kids. What do they think I am? Some kind of a dope? Kids don’t vote. Do they think I’m an idiot?”
“Mr. President, I have a meeting in an hour. It’s about what we should scare people about next sir.”
“Good job.”
“But this NIE report does present problems for us.”
Bush’s throw missed both pictures.
Good ol Days
“Tough shot Mr. President.”
Bush said, “Eisenhower. Eisenhower had it easy.”
“How so Mr. President?”
“It was easy for him to find someone to hate. The Cold War was goin on. And he had that dude—what was his name?”
“Joe McCarthy?”
“Right. Eisenhower had that McCarthy dude scarin every grandmother in the US about communists.”
“Right Mr. President.”
“Ahh, those were the good ol days.”
“Mr. President, obviously we’ll play the fear card.”
“What other card is there?”
“The Iranians are still enriching uranium. Obviously we’ll play the fear card with the enrichment thing.”
Bush nodded as he hurled a dart toward the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney continued, “As opposed to the Bush tax cuts. Those tax cuts are enrichment things that work in a better way.”
They both smiled.
Cheney continued, “At the meeting I spoke about earlier, we’ll look at long term ramifications of this NIE report.”
Cheney’s Plan
Bush said, “So this NIE raport. That basically ends our plans for Iran.”
“Afraid so Mr. President.”
As Bush grabbed a dart, he said, “Your plan to scare the piss outta people about Iran n maybe drop a firecracker or two in their back yard. It was a good plan Dick.”
“Thank you Mr. President.”
“Would a diverted everyone from the election some. Sure as heck woulda stopped people worryin about the dang economy. Would a gone a long way toward helpin the party in November.”
“Bush threw a dart. It missed the picture of Hillary Clinton.”
Bush continued, “But what I really liked about your plan was it woulda allowed us ta do the things we need ta do.”
“You’re right again Mr. President. Sometimes The Constitution does get in the way of what’s right and best for America.”
“Dat’s my point! Dat’s exactly my point. Tha Constitution. In you’re meetin today, find somethin that will let us . . .”
“Bend.”
“Dat’s it. Dat’s exactly it.”
“Find something that will let us bend da Constitution.”
“Right Mr. President.”
Bush threw his last dart. It missed both pictures.
I have a memo here from Karl Rove. Cheney continued. Holding the memo, Cheney said, “Rove suggests you get bigger pictures.”
“Dat Karl. Dat Karl is a good ol boy. He never stops thinkin. Bigger pictures. Ain’t that an idea? Tommorra have someone get bigger pictures for me ta throw darts at.”
“Excellent idea Mr. President.”
“N get me a picture of that Oprera lady.”
“Ms. Winfrey?”
“Dats the one. Dat’s the one. Remember. Find something that will allow us to do the things we have to do to make this country great.”
Cheney nodded. Then he said, “Remember Mr. President. The Constitution is just a piece of paper.”
“That’s my boy Dick. That’s my boy.”
Line of the Week
Following the shooting death of Redskin’s safty Sean Taylor, there was a rush by many to speculate that events from Taylor's checkered past had provoked his attack and later death. Police now say that the assailants were burglars. Writing in Sports Illustrated, Jim Trotter noted, "Didn’t we learn anything from the Duke lacrosse case?"
In the dream, Bush and Cheney were in the Oval Office. There was large portable cork board in the oval office too. On it pictures Hillary Clinton and Arianna Huffington had been hung with care. Each picture had a thick blue paper frame around it.
During the conversation, Bush threw red darts at the pictures.
My dream had a soundtrack. The Jefferson Airplane sang “Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?” They sang it to the tune of their sixties classic, “Somebody to Love.”
My dream started as Bush threw a dart. It barely hit the frame the outlining the picture of Hillary Clinton.
“Hitting the frame counts. Mr. President. Good shot.”
Bush smiled.
“Mr. President. I was sent in to talk with you about the NIE report on Iran.”
As Bush aimed a dart, he said, “I’m listnin.”
The Bad News
“Well the news is not good Mr. President. It’s not good at all. The National intelligence Estimate has issued a new report.”
“So?”
“Well there’s news in it sir.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well according to the National Intelligence Estimate, Iran closed down its nuclear weapons program four years ago.”
“Who put the report together? Wing nuts and moonbats?”
“That’s a problem Mr. President. Our people put the report together.”
Bush hurled a dart. It flew high and wide to the right. It landed on the large chair that rests behind the desk in the Oval Office.
“Oooops.”
“Don’t worry sir. Our media unit has a great patch kit.”
“You don’t say?”
“Tomorrow you’ll never know there was a hole in that chair.”
“Don’t suppose it has a patch that covers Iraq?”
“No Mr. President. It only works on chairs and couches . . . and things like that.”
As Bush hurled a dart, he said, “I’d like to put a patch over the mouth of—”
The dart hit the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Cheney continued, “Mr. President, the NIE report was put together from reports from . . . ahh . . . many of our intelligence gathering services.”
“Our people wrote that report?”
Cheney nodded.
Bush said, “Traitors.”
“I agree Mr. President.”
“Look into it.”
“I’ve just begun to look into it.”
“Good work.”
Bush picked up another dart. “Dem fella’s in Iraq stopped buidlin nukes four years ago?”
“Iran.”
“What?”
“People in Iran stopped building nukes four years ago.”
“Iran, Iraq—whatever—four years ago they stopped building nukelear bombs?”
“That’s right Mr. President.”
“That was before the election.”
“Mr. President your math is improving.”
Red Card
The President smiled. Then he said, “For years now we’ve been goin ballistic about Iran.”
Cheney’s forehead wrinkled. Cheney pulled a red card out of his jacket. He looked at Bush, and in an angry tone said, “Racheting up the rhetoric.”
“Right.” Bush closed his eyes as he said, “Don’t’ say, Goin Ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric. Don’t say, Goin ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric.” Bush opened his eyes. “I got it.”
Cheney smiled and put the red card back in his jacket.
Bush threw a dart. It landed on Hillary Clinton’s face.
Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Then Cheney said, “The news I just told you about has brought bad news.”
“Let’s have it.”
“Well the Democrat bloggers are having a field day.”
“Bush threw a dart at the picture of Arianna Huffington.” It was wide right.
“Almost Mr. President.”
Bush threw another dart at Huffington’s picture. And then he threw another. The fourth dart hit the paper frame around Huffington’s picture.
“Good shot Mr. President!”
Change in Direction
Bush looked at Cheney. “Well we’ll just have ta find somethin else to get people scared about.”
“That’s a very intelligent comment Mr. President. To me it seems to be a lesson the Democrats never learn. But you’ve got it down pat.”
“Instincts. Always had good instincts.”
“Right Mr. President.”
As Bush aimed another dart, he said, “The Democrats are always scary. Could we try to scare the country about the Democrats? Imagine their idea to bust the budget for health care for kids. What do they think I am? Some kind of a dope? Kids don’t vote. Do they think I’m an idiot?”
“Mr. President, I have a meeting in an hour. It’s about what we should scare people about next sir.”
“Good job.”
“But this NIE report does present problems for us.”
Bush’s throw missed both pictures.
Good ol Days
“Tough shot Mr. President.”
Bush said, “Eisenhower. Eisenhower had it easy.”
“How so Mr. President?”
“It was easy for him to find someone to hate. The Cold War was goin on. And he had that dude—what was his name?”
“Joe McCarthy?”
“Right. Eisenhower had that McCarthy dude scarin every grandmother in the US about communists.”
“Right Mr. President.”
“Ahh, those were the good ol days.”
“Mr. President, obviously we’ll play the fear card.”
“What other card is there?”
“The Iranians are still enriching uranium. Obviously we’ll play the fear card with the enrichment thing.”
Bush nodded as he hurled a dart toward the picture of Hillary Clinton.
Cheney continued, “As opposed to the Bush tax cuts. Those tax cuts are enrichment things that work in a better way.”
They both smiled.
Cheney continued, “At the meeting I spoke about earlier, we’ll look at long term ramifications of this NIE report.”
Cheney’s Plan
Bush said, “So this NIE raport. That basically ends our plans for Iran.”
“Afraid so Mr. President.”
As Bush grabbed a dart, he said, “Your plan to scare the piss outta people about Iran n maybe drop a firecracker or two in their back yard. It was a good plan Dick.”
“Thank you Mr. President.”
“Would a diverted everyone from the election some. Sure as heck woulda stopped people worryin about the dang economy. Would a gone a long way toward helpin the party in November.”
“Bush threw a dart. It missed the picture of Hillary Clinton.”
Bush continued, “But what I really liked about your plan was it woulda allowed us ta do the things we need ta do.”
“You’re right again Mr. President. Sometimes The Constitution does get in the way of what’s right and best for America.”
“Dat’s my point! Dat’s exactly my point. Tha Constitution. In you’re meetin today, find somethin that will let us . . .”
“Bend.”
“Dat’s it. Dat’s exactly it.”
“Find something that will let us bend da Constitution.”
“Right Mr. President.”
Bush threw his last dart. It missed both pictures.
I have a memo here from Karl Rove. Cheney continued. Holding the memo, Cheney said, “Rove suggests you get bigger pictures.”
“Dat Karl. Dat Karl is a good ol boy. He never stops thinkin. Bigger pictures. Ain’t that an idea? Tommorra have someone get bigger pictures for me ta throw darts at.”
“Excellent idea Mr. President.”
“N get me a picture of that Oprera lady.”
“Ms. Winfrey?”
“Dats the one. Dat’s the one. Remember. Find something that will allow us to do the things we have to do to make this country great.”
Cheney nodded. Then he said, “Remember Mr. President. The Constitution is just a piece of paper.”
“That’s my boy Dick. That’s my boy.”
Line of the Week
Following the shooting death of Redskin’s safty Sean Taylor, there was a rush by many to speculate that events from Taylor's checkered past had provoked his attack and later death. Police now say that the assailants were burglars. Writing in Sports Illustrated, Jim Trotter noted, "Didn’t we learn anything from the Duke lacrosse case?"
A Short Political Dictionary
For politicians, few things are more hazardous than telling the truth.
My favorite example is President Carter’s energy initiative. Way back in 1977 then President Carter hoped to inspire Americans to solve it’s energy problems. He deemed the cause, “ the moral equivalent of war.” He was right. He spoke the truth. Had we followed his advice, we would not be in the energy mess we are in now. But people didn’t want to hear the truth. Many people laughed at him.
When he was governor, Jerry Brown suggested a satellite should be launched into orbit to speed emergency communications for the state. This proposal earned him the name Governor Moonbeam—and, you guessed, it laughter. California eventually adopted a similar proposal.
An esteemed political consultant initiates young candidates on the perils of the truth. He has the pols he advises read the short story, “Tombermory.” In the story, a cat talks, and get this, the cat tells the truth! Forget that a person has taught a cat—an animal with the brain the size of a walnut—to talk. Characters in the short story are so fed up with the truths the cat tells, that they deem it appropriate to have the cat killed.
As I write this in a warm hotel room in Des Moines, it is 12 degrees Farenheight outside. But the Iowa caucuses are merely weeks away. That means the rhetoric is heating up.
A Public Service
So, as a public service I offer a few translations of political doublespeak.
“There’s a lot of free media in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: There are homeless people who have more money than this campaign does.
“I’m having a great time here in America’s Heartland.” TRANSLATION: I haven’t had this much fun since I had a barium enema.
"I'm delighted to share this stage with so many great people." TRANSLATION: The guy to my right is nuttier than squirrel turd. The bozo on my left is about as sharp as a cue ball.
“I would like to thank the lovely Jane Smith for that wonderful introduction.” TRANSLATION: I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight—I'm afraid she'd win.
“Let me be perfectly clear.” TRANSLATION: Uhoh I just quoted Nixon, one of the least trusted people in the history of American politics.
“Let me say this about that.” TRANSLATION: I have no idea how to answer the question I’ve just been asked.
“He says he will cut red tape. Right. He’ll cut it lengthwise.”
TRANSLATION: Even the politician is bored with his/her stump speech.
“His new proposal is weaker than a midget’s pinky.” TRANSLATION: That sausage I ate for breakfast repeats faster than a machine gun.
“I believe in America.” TRANSLATION, Did I just quote a line from The Godfather?
“We face unprecedented challenges.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I love that line. It scares people big time, and it doesn’t force me to commit to anything.
“Elect me to be your next president and one of the first things I will do will be to assemble a panel of experts to solve this problem.” TRANSLATION: I’m going to table this puppy til people are sunbathing in Siberia.
“His new proposal is such a mess, you’d have to think it was written by a co-hog.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I’m tired. And what the heck is a co-hog?
“I’m talking about a return to values. American values. The same values that made this country great, and the same values that will return this country to greatness.” TRANSLATION: If I say the word “values” enough, and do not, repeat do not qualify it with examples, or anything that reeks of deteail, if I say “values” enough people will think I have values that are similar to their values.
“It’s great to be in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: Gosh, it’s cold here.
“I support ethanol subsidies.” TRANSLATION: I know ethanol subsides raise the price of corn, I know ethanol doesn’t burn all that much cleaner than gas, I know ethanol isn’t all that good of an idea, but man can I pander!
“I do not believe in evolution.” TRANSLATION: The idiot who is asked me this question pretty much proves what I’am saying.
“The Iowa caucases are a great tradition” TRANSLATION: I know only four percent of the state votes. I know a caucus is not at all like a state-wide election. I know Iowa’s racial makeup does not reflect America’s. I know Iowa’s economic interests do not reflect America’s. But, I can pander better than a hungry hooker.
“He panders better than an hungry hooker.” TRANSLATION: God I’m good.
“There is something about Rudy.” TRANSLATION: I’m not going to say he’s got a temper like mule driver. I’m not going to say he surrounds himself with Yesmen. I’m not going to say he trotted around New York City in a dress a few times. I’m not going to say that he lived with gay men for a while. I’m not going to say that he has been married three times or that he flirts with a lot of very queer Democratic ideas, but I can infer all that.
“It’s still early.” TRANSLATION: I’m behind.
At this point in the campaing, polls are notoriously inaccurate.” TRANSLATION: All together now, It’s great to be in fifth place. It’s great to be in fifth place.
“With all due respect . . ..” TRANSLATION: I’m about to stab one of my opponents with a rhetorical sword.
“I’m glad you asked that question.” TRANSLATION: Are they ever going to stop harping on that. When that happened, Moby Dick was a minnow.
“I’m delighted to be in Ottumwa.” TRANSLATION: What kind of a hick city is this?
“When I first learned of the Senator’s comments on immigration, I thought, ‘This is bad.’ ” TRANSLATION: Did I just quote a line from The Titanic?
"I'm delighted we've had such a detailed discussion of the issues that are important to all of us." TRANSLATION: Thank goodness the media stay so far away from most of the issues. Where the media leads, the people will follow. I haven't had a tough question on an issue in days.
“I can’t wait to come back to Iowa,” TRANSLATION: We gotta get outta this place.
Regarding Henry
Henry Hyde died last week. From 1975-2007 he was a Republican congressman from Illinois. He was a pro-life, pro military Republican. He broke with is party on gun control and the war in Iraq. His actions led him to be tangled in the imbroglio we now politely refer to as the Savings and Loan Scandal. While he was an attack dog for the Clinton Impeachment hearing, Salon.com published a story stating he’d had an extra marital affair from 1965-1969.
Hyde is mentioned here for a story he told that helped stop term limits legislation. It gets my vote for one of the great political stories ever told. It went something like this. The brain surgeon is about to operate on you. You’re head has been shaved. There are markings on your head where the surgeon will operate. And you turn to him and ask, “You haven’t done this for more than two terms have you?”
Kudos
To PBS’s show Now for its report this week on a series of efforts to reduce voter turnout. The show details how picture ID requirements reduce the number of poor people who vote. It also explains a series of efforts that reduce the turnout of people who frequently vote Democratic.
Line of the Week
At the Middle East Peace Summit in Annapolis President Bush met with Israeli Prime Minister and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for a photo-op. And all parties involved were anxious to shake hands and get on with the serious business of what each party did to anger the other.
But the podium was in the way of the handshake.
This provoked Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to say to President Bush, “Mr. President, if we move from the podium, they will see us shaking hands together.”
Forgivable faux pas? Metaphor for Bush’s presidency?
My favorite example is President Carter’s energy initiative. Way back in 1977 then President Carter hoped to inspire Americans to solve it’s energy problems. He deemed the cause, “ the moral equivalent of war.” He was right. He spoke the truth. Had we followed his advice, we would not be in the energy mess we are in now. But people didn’t want to hear the truth. Many people laughed at him.
When he was governor, Jerry Brown suggested a satellite should be launched into orbit to speed emergency communications for the state. This proposal earned him the name Governor Moonbeam—and, you guessed, it laughter. California eventually adopted a similar proposal.
An esteemed political consultant initiates young candidates on the perils of the truth. He has the pols he advises read the short story, “Tombermory.” In the story, a cat talks, and get this, the cat tells the truth! Forget that a person has taught a cat—an animal with the brain the size of a walnut—to talk. Characters in the short story are so fed up with the truths the cat tells, that they deem it appropriate to have the cat killed.
As I write this in a warm hotel room in Des Moines, it is 12 degrees Farenheight outside. But the Iowa caucuses are merely weeks away. That means the rhetoric is heating up.
A Public Service
So, as a public service I offer a few translations of political doublespeak.
“There’s a lot of free media in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: There are homeless people who have more money than this campaign does.
“I’m having a great time here in America’s Heartland.” TRANSLATION: I haven’t had this much fun since I had a barium enema.
"I'm delighted to share this stage with so many great people." TRANSLATION: The guy to my right is nuttier than squirrel turd. The bozo on my left is about as sharp as a cue ball.
“I would like to thank the lovely Jane Smith for that wonderful introduction.” TRANSLATION: I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight—I'm afraid she'd win.
“Let me be perfectly clear.” TRANSLATION: Uhoh I just quoted Nixon, one of the least trusted people in the history of American politics.
“Let me say this about that.” TRANSLATION: I have no idea how to answer the question I’ve just been asked.
“He says he will cut red tape. Right. He’ll cut it lengthwise.”
TRANSLATION: Even the politician is bored with his/her stump speech.
“His new proposal is weaker than a midget’s pinky.” TRANSLATION: That sausage I ate for breakfast repeats faster than a machine gun.
“I believe in America.” TRANSLATION, Did I just quote a line from The Godfather?
“We face unprecedented challenges.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I love that line. It scares people big time, and it doesn’t force me to commit to anything.
“Elect me to be your next president and one of the first things I will do will be to assemble a panel of experts to solve this problem.” TRANSLATION: I’m going to table this puppy til people are sunbathing in Siberia.
“His new proposal is such a mess, you’d have to think it was written by a co-hog.” TRANSLATION: Gosh I’m tired. And what the heck is a co-hog?
“I’m talking about a return to values. American values. The same values that made this country great, and the same values that will return this country to greatness.” TRANSLATION: If I say the word “values” enough, and do not, repeat do not qualify it with examples, or anything that reeks of deteail, if I say “values” enough people will think I have values that are similar to their values.
“It’s great to be in Iowa.” TRANSLATION: Gosh, it’s cold here.
“I support ethanol subsidies.” TRANSLATION: I know ethanol subsides raise the price of corn, I know ethanol doesn’t burn all that much cleaner than gas, I know ethanol isn’t all that good of an idea, but man can I pander!
“I do not believe in evolution.” TRANSLATION: The idiot who is asked me this question pretty much proves what I’am saying.
“The Iowa caucases are a great tradition” TRANSLATION: I know only four percent of the state votes. I know a caucus is not at all like a state-wide election. I know Iowa’s racial makeup does not reflect America’s. I know Iowa’s economic interests do not reflect America’s. But, I can pander better than a hungry hooker.
“He panders better than an hungry hooker.” TRANSLATION: God I’m good.
“There is something about Rudy.” TRANSLATION: I’m not going to say he’s got a temper like mule driver. I’m not going to say he surrounds himself with Yesmen. I’m not going to say he trotted around New York City in a dress a few times. I’m not going to say that he lived with gay men for a while. I’m not going to say that he has been married three times or that he flirts with a lot of very queer Democratic ideas, but I can infer all that.
“It’s still early.” TRANSLATION: I’m behind.
At this point in the campaing, polls are notoriously inaccurate.” TRANSLATION: All together now, It’s great to be in fifth place. It’s great to be in fifth place.
“With all due respect . . ..” TRANSLATION: I’m about to stab one of my opponents with a rhetorical sword.
“I’m glad you asked that question.” TRANSLATION: Are they ever going to stop harping on that. When that happened, Moby Dick was a minnow.
“I’m delighted to be in Ottumwa.” TRANSLATION: What kind of a hick city is this?
“When I first learned of the Senator’s comments on immigration, I thought, ‘This is bad.’ ” TRANSLATION: Did I just quote a line from The Titanic?
"I'm delighted we've had such a detailed discussion of the issues that are important to all of us." TRANSLATION: Thank goodness the media stay so far away from most of the issues. Where the media leads, the people will follow. I haven't had a tough question on an issue in days.
“I can’t wait to come back to Iowa,” TRANSLATION: We gotta get outta this place.
Regarding Henry
Henry Hyde died last week. From 1975-2007 he was a Republican congressman from Illinois. He was a pro-life, pro military Republican. He broke with is party on gun control and the war in Iraq. His actions led him to be tangled in the imbroglio we now politely refer to as the Savings and Loan Scandal. While he was an attack dog for the Clinton Impeachment hearing, Salon.com published a story stating he’d had an extra marital affair from 1965-1969.
Hyde is mentioned here for a story he told that helped stop term limits legislation. It gets my vote for one of the great political stories ever told. It went something like this. The brain surgeon is about to operate on you. You’re head has been shaved. There are markings on your head where the surgeon will operate. And you turn to him and ask, “You haven’t done this for more than two terms have you?”
Kudos
To PBS’s show Now for its report this week on a series of efforts to reduce voter turnout. The show details how picture ID requirements reduce the number of poor people who vote. It also explains a series of efforts that reduce the turnout of people who frequently vote Democratic.
Line of the Week
At the Middle East Peace Summit in Annapolis President Bush met with Israeli Prime Minister and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for a photo-op. And all parties involved were anxious to shake hands and get on with the serious business of what each party did to anger the other.
But the podium was in the way of the handshake.
This provoked Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to say to President Bush, “Mr. President, if we move from the podium, they will see us shaking hands together.”
Forgivable faux pas? Metaphor for Bush’s presidency?
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