The other day Dick Cheney had an interesting conversation with one of his aides. The aide meant well. The aide meant to help the Veep create some talking points for a critique that could come up.
The aide began, “Well a Mr. Vice President, we need to brainstorm some strategies for questions that may come up.”
Cheney replied, “Good idea. By the way, as far as the media is concerned, where am I today?”
The aide responded, “Sir, per your directions you are at an undisclosed location.”
Cheney said, “Good. I heard a joke the other day. That shows I have a sense of humor doesn’t it?”
The aide replied, “Well sir, I think simply hearing a joke is not really evidence—”
Cheney barked back, “Course it is.”
The aide responded, “Very well sir.”
Cheney said, “The comic said that I will be the only person to be buried at an undisclosed location.”
The aide snickered.
Cheney asserted, “See, I do have a sense of humor.”
The aide said, “Right sir.”
Angers Easily
Cheney gave the aide an order, “Compile a list of people who have been buried at undisclosed locations.”
The aide responded quickly, “Right sir.”
Then Cheney said, “And look in to it.”
The aide asked, “What sir?”
Cheney replied, “Getting buried in an undisclosed location you idiot!”
The aide looked at his list. It was titled “Qualities of a Psychopath.” The first item on the list was, “Penchant for secrecy.” He frowned. Then he said, “Right sir. Now, if I may. The last few days have not been good days for you in the media.”
Cheney responded, “What do you mean?”
The aide commented, “Comments about your office not being entirely in the executive branch—well sir, these comments have the chattering classes chattering.”
Cheney’s face turned red. Then he shouted an expletive.
The aide looked at his list that noted the qualities of a psychopath. The second item on the list was, “Angers easily.” He shook his head. Then he said, “I have here before me a list of qualities.”
Cheney said, “Get to the point man. Get to the point.”
The aide looked at the list. The third item on the list was “impatient.” The aide said, “We need to be prepared for this sir. We need to be prepared—probably even with jokes.”
Cheney responded quickly, “Jokes? What am I supposed to be some sort of entertainer? Americans want tough politicians, if they wanted jokesters, they would elect wimpy Democrats—not strong, virile manly Republicans.”
The aide responded, “Right sir. Still we must develop some strategies.”
Cheney said, “Strategy smategy. Bring in the army. Mow em down. Raise the flag. Praise mothers. Play the national anthem.”
Meekly the aide said, “Sir, this list of qualities I have. Sir, they deal with specific physiological issues.”
Cheney shouted back, “Wimpy Democrat talk!”
The aide responded, “Precisely sir. The aide looked at his list. The next item on it was, ‘Veers off track easily.’”
Cheney’s face turned red. He stormed about his office. “Don’t these wimpy Democrats have anything better to do than come up with idiotic ideas?”
The aide whispered, “Sir the list wasn’t made by a Democrat.”
Cheney uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Then he said, “Independents!”
Press Find Something?
The aide cleared his throat. He gathered his courage, then he said, “Sir, the list was created by an expert. And he’s a Republican. That’s part of the problem. There’s more bad news. The list is all over the Internet. It’s so easy to find that we think that even the media will stumble onto it.”
Cheney shot back, “The media find something? You’ve got to be kidding!” Quickly Cheney rattled off a list of things the administration had done that the media had not yet discovered.
The aide said, “Sadly sir all kinds of computer searches lead to this list. Somehow it got tangled up with nude pictures of Paris Hilton.”
Cheney slammed his hand into his fist. Then he said, “Damn, they’re sure to find it then.”
Cheney paced. Then he said, “Okay, let’s have at it.”
The aide responded, “I have before me qualities. Sir, this may be difficult to take sir.”
Cheney said, “I’m tough.”
The aide continued, “Well sir. I have before me ‘Qualities of a Psychopath.’ ”
Cheney chuckled. “Who says I don’t have a sense of humor?” He chuckled again. “Describes Hillary doesn’t it?”
The aide looked away.
Cheney stopped pacing and stared at the view. He said, “Wyoming is great this time of year.”
The aide responded, “Sir our time is almost up. And we must get to this.”
Cheney asked the aide, “Do you hunt?”
The aide looked at his list. He looked at Cheney. He shook his head. He cleared his throat. “Sir, according to this list sir, psychopaths tend to avoid questions. They tend to avoid taking responsibility.”
Cheney said, “Nonsense. Look how I took responsibility for shooting my buddy.”
The aide responded, “Sir, the wimpy Democrats will respond that you waited a long time to address that sir.”
Cheney swore. He uttered an expletive. Then he uttered another. Cheney paced. His face turned red again. He pounded one fist into another again. Cheney uttered an expletive about what wimpy Democrats should do to themselves.
The aide responded, “Another good idea sir. But if you will look at the next item on the list, it says, ‘They fly into rages.’ ”
Cheney stormed about his office. His face turned red. He pounded one fist into the other. “You think this is a rage? I’ll show you a rage!”
Remorse
The aide responded, “Sir, I don’t think that will be necessary. This next one could prove difficult.” The aide cleared his throat again. Then he said,“ ‘Psychopath’s lack remorse.’ ”
Cheney shouted, “Remorse! What is this poppycock? I showed remorse after I shot my friend.”
The aide said, “Wimpy democrats will point to the number of civilians killed in the Iraq war. They will say that most days more civilians are killed. They will suggest that our numbers about the civilian dead in Iraq are very conservative. They will make a case that you have not shown remorse on this matter.”
Cheney continued to pace. He was not talking now, he was shouting, “I showed sorrow. Go dig up some picture of me.”
The aide asked, “Picture?”
Cheney responded, “There’s one where I’m with President Ford . . . and we’re together . . . and I was crying.”
The aide said, “Sir, you were watching a football game.”
Cheney nodded. “It was a horrible day.”
The aide continued, “A team from Wyoming lost in the last seconds.”
Cheney said, “That’s remorse.”
The aide added, “Right sir.”
Cheney said, “Good work. Hit em when they’re not ready. Release the picture before the end of the day. Say it’s a routine thing. That’ll show remorse—if this remorse thing comes up.”
Cheney smiled.
The aide smiled.
Cheney continued, “This idea to inoculate me against this idiot charge that I’m a psychopath. This is an excellent idea I had isn’t it?”
The aide said, “Well yes it would be sir, if it was your idea.”
Cheney: “What’s the next thing on your list?”
The aide suddenly found the view out the window interesting. Cheney asked what the next item on the list was.
The aide said that he really must be going.
Cheney barked, “What’s the next thing on your” he uttered an expletive “list?”
In a whisper the aide said, “Takes credit for the work of others.”
Quickly Cheney said, “Let’s move along. I’ve got a parade or something to go to don’t I?”
The aide said, “Yes sir. Some passionate supporters wish to throw a celebration for you.”
Cheney’s chest puffed up, and he smiled. “Ah yes.”
“It’s to celebrate a comment you made about the war in Iraq. You made the comment during the run up to the war in Iraq.”
Cheney said, “Ahh those were the days.”
The aide continued. “Sir a party hack . . . a party official found a picture of an Iraqi hugging an American soldier. A group want to celebrate the comment you made about how the Iraqi’s will welcome us as liberators.”
Cheney stared out the window for a while. Eventually he mumbled, “May not be a good idea to celebrate that.”
The aide added, “Your supporters are very excited about the event sir.”
Hen’s Teeth
Cheney smiled, “Well it would be unwise not to yield to the wishes of our loyal supporters.”
The aide responded, “Especially now sir. Especially considering your supporters are about as rare as hen’s teeth.”
Cheney turned to face the aide, “I just saw a pile of hen’s teeth. Thousands of the things. It’s a myth that they’re rare. “
The aide responded “Right sir.”
Cheney started pacing again. “We should gather more of them. Store them at—”
Excitedly the aide added, “At one of your undisclosed locations.”
Cheney smiled. “Very good! I’m glad I thought of that.”
The aide said, “Sir I do recall. Well there was something over a year ago. Scientists induced chickens to grow teeth.”
Cheney added, “Of course they did! Was it one of those amazing tobacco scientists who can’t find smoking causes cancer?”
The aide shook his head.
Cheney asked, “One of those National Rifle Association scientists who show that guns don’t promote violence?”
The aide said, “No sir. One of the scientists was from the University of Wisconsin. He and others claim that growing teeth in chickens will help us understand evolution more.”
Cheney screamed at the aide. “We aren’t using that word in this office you idiot!”
The aide panicked. The aide’s mind raced as he wondered what word he was not supposed to use. Then he remembered. “Sorry sir. I won’t use the ‘e’ word again.”
The aide looked at the list. He frowned. He said, “I think discussing the rest of the items on this list. Well sir, I don’ think that would be very productive.” The aide looked at watch. “And besides sir, we’re just about out of time.”
Cheney said, “Hen’s teeth. Good idea. Get right on it. Collect a lot of em.”
The aide said, “Right sir. The next item on your schedule has you attending an event.”
Cheney said, “Oh really.”
The aide replied, “Yes sir. It should be fun. Ann Coulter is opening a charm school.”
Friday, June 29, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Logic 101 and the Libby Pardon
Professor Smith ended the previous class stating, “Next time we will discuss the appeals that Scooter Libby be pardoned.”
The members of the class groaned.
Smith’s announcement meant they would have to do homework. They would have to do research. They would have to think.
Professor Smith began the next class, “Harrington, background please.”
Harrington said, “Scooter Libby used to the chief of staff of the Vice President, Dick Cheney. Recently, Scooter Libby was convicted on three counts of perjury and one count of providing false statements. This last count often is correctly reported as obstructing justice.”
Professor Smith commented, “It is often a foolish act to try to comment in a logical manner about illogical actions. Therefore, it is often a foolhardy act to comment in a logical manner about American politics.
“But there is a strange aspect about these appeals that Libby be pardoned. If you examine the strategies rigorously, some of the sillinesses at play really do turn out to make sense. However, there are a host of comic incendiaries and a series of irrational land mines along the way.”
Professor Smith asked a student to state one of the arguments that Libby be pardoned.
Some Arguments
Fontella raised her hand, “One argument to pardon Libby is that there was no underlying crime.”
“Repsonse?”
Fontella continued, “This is nonsense. Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. That there was no guilty verdict on some other crime that led to the other charges is irrelevant.”
Professor Smith smiled.
Fontella smiled.
Alicia raised her hand, “Some suggest Libby should be pardoned because Libby wasn’t responsible for the original actions against Valerie Plame. It is the comments about Plame that started the complex series of events that led to the Libby trial.
“But this argument also is ludicrous. Let’s say Joe and Moe rob a bank. Joe and Moe are not caught. But Scooter lies to law enforcement officials about what he knows about Joe and Moe. In that scenario, Scooter still has committed a crime. And Scooter’s crime is still a crime even if Scooter had nothing to do with Joe and Moe’s crime.”
Professor Smith and Alicia smiled.
“No crime has been committed”
Professor Smith continued, “Hang in there. It gets sillier. Can anyone tell me what Fred Thompson said on this matter?”
Michael raised his hand, “Fred Thompson is running for the Republican presidential nomination. But he is not yet officially running. He has positioned himself as a conservative. He used be a senator. He used to star on TV’s Law & Order. About the chargers made against Scooter Libby, Thompson said, “It was obvious to me that no crime had been committed.”
Smith interrupted. “Hereafter, you may refer to Mr. Thompson as Law and Order Fred.”
Many in the class laughed.
Michael didn’t laugh. Michael has been in college for over three years. He has learned to throw a Frisbee (and so has passed the graduation requirement for many colleges and some universities). He has smoked pot. He has had his first sexual experiences. Michael even has learned one of the hardest lessons in life, he has learned to like dorm food. But poor Michael remains an overly serious young man. He did not laugh.
When the laughter died down, Michael continued, “Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. Thompson also suggested that the special prosecutor process is unfair. Few things in life are perfectly fair. But the process the special prosecutor’s actions were legal. Legally,
Thompson’s arguments don’t amount to a hill of beans.”
Smith asked, “Anyone have a response?”
Louise sat in the back row. Her feet were on the chair in front of her. She said, “There is of course the absurdist defense. It goes something like this, This is American politics. It doesn’t have to make sense.”
Most students laughed. Smith smiled.
Pandering
A student that others called Goodytwoshoes raised her hand. She cleared her throat and then said, “The people making the argument to pardon Libby are in positions of influence. But unlike presidents and legislators, few have to answer for the influence they exert. So to some degree they can say what they want. They don’t have to act on what they say. This puts them in a perfect position to pander.”
Goodytwoshoes continued, “These arguments do make some sense if you bring in the idea of pandering. Clearly, the people making these arguments are playing to their base. Or, if you prefer, they’re pandering. Pandering does energize a party’s voters. It does make headlines. It does persuade voters to give money, to support you, and to get others to do the same.”
Law and Order?
A disheveled student who hadn’t shaved in a week said, “Many of the same conservatives who are arguing that Libby should be pardoned get very hot and bothered about illegal immigrants. Many conservatives use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe a process that does not provide amnesty. They use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe an aspect of an immigration bill that has been proposed. It would require illegal immigrants to pay a very hefty fine and file paperwork with a bureaucracy that is far worse than your local not-so-friendly DMV. The word ‘amnesty’ is being used to describe a process that forces people to deal with a bureaucracy that in many ways doles out more than its fair share of cruel and unusual punishment.”
Professor Smith replied, “Once again Mr. Poole, thank you for dropping in your weekly joke about the DMV. The members of the class also thank you for your daily attempt to steer the discussion away from the topic.”
Poole took a little bow and smiled.
Smith continued, “We will return from our diversion. Are there other arguments put forward to pardon Mr. Libby?”
The Fall Guy
Candice raised her hand. “Another argument is that pardoning Libby will end speculation about Libby being the fall guy. This too is nonsense. If people want to speculate about Libby being the fall guy for actions by Bush, Cheney, and or others, people will speculate. It is even logical to assume that a Libby pardon will give credibility to those who argue that Libby was a fall guy. This would increase speculation . . . not suppress it.”
Smith asked, “No doubt there are other arguments. But for now let’s look at the larger picture. What do all of these arguments miss?”
Poole replied, “Anything logical.”
Smith responded, “Yes.”
Jaunita raised her hand, “The general standards for any presidential pardon are that the convict has expressed remorse and has served time in jail.”
Smith added, “And why have these elements not been included in the arguments that have been made to pardon Mr. Libby?”
Jaunita continued, “There’s no connection. Libby has not expressed remorse. Libby has not yet served jail time.”
Smith nodded. “Very good. The next step in our discussion is obvious.”
Judge Sentelle
None of the students moved.
Smith said, “Mr. Poole, what’s wrong with lawyer jokes?”
“Lawyers don’t think they’re funny. And people who aren’t lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.”
Smith asked, “Chantelle, What does a lawyer use for birth control?”
“The only lawyer I know uses his personality.”
Smith asked, “Mr. Carlton, A dead dog is on the road. On the same road there also is a dead lawyer. What’s the difference between a dead dog and the dead lawyer?”
“There are skid marks in front of the dog.”
Except for poor Michael, the students laughed at the lawyer jokes. Poor Michael had the sense of humor usually allotted to aardvarks, network studio executives, and dead mules.
Smith continued, “Connection?”
Carlton raised his hand, “Mr. Libby has lawyers. They will appeal.”
Smith nodded. “Where is it most likely this verdict will be overturned?”
Chantelle raised her hand, “President Regan was careful to appoint Judge David Sentelle to the appeals court that will hear cases tried in the DC area. Sentelle is a conservative. Sentelle was one of the judges who overturned the convictions of Oliver North and John Poindexter during Iran Contra. Sentelle was one of the judges who appointed Ken Starr to investigate Bill Clinton. And on the appeals court where Sentelle serves, only two of the three votes cast are needed to overturn a conviction.”
Smith added, “Let’s consider two scenarios. In one, the Libby verdict is overturned. In another, Bush pardons Libby. Given either of these scenarios, how do all these illogical calls for a pardon become, in some way, logical?”
No student raised a hand.
This makes sense?
Professor Smith paced a little then continued, “If you drill down deep enough, all this noise about Libby does . . . in some way . . . make sense.”
No student raised a hand.
Smith continued, “All this illogical noise about Libby is now part of the public dialogue. Illogical, silly, and dysfunctional as this conversation is, it is in the public arena. Therefore . . ..”
Poole raised his hand, “In some way it will provide political cover if Libby’s conviction is overturned . . . or if he is pardoned.”
“And what is another word for this political cover?”
“Camouflage.”
“And additionally?”
“These organs have all but shouted to the world that should a verdict be overturned or a pardon be issued, that they will again restate their opinions on these matters.” Poole smiled.
Smith continued, “Thank you Mr. Poole. I can see this class has not been an entire waste of time for you.”
Smith smiled. “Good. Next class be prepared to discuss vacuous truths, dumb blonde jokes, and Paris Hilton.”
Better Late than Never
Since 1989 automakers have been required to produce automobiles that get on average 27.5 miles per gallon. SUV’s and small trucks were somehow considered not to be automobiles and were allowed to get, on average, 22.2 mpg. Last week the Senate approved new standards. By 2020 all vehicles will have to get, on average, 35 miles per gallon. By 2015 half the new vehicles will have to run on 85% ethanol.
It is not certain that the House will pass the measure or if the President will sign it.
Clearly, national security concerns over imported oil, global warming, and the high price of gas helped moved many who for years had opposed such legislation to now support it. It certainly is a start. In the diseased world we live in this was heralded as good news. But such comments are far too polite: actions like this should have been taken years ago.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show, It's a great day for Hillary Clinton. She chose a song for her campaign. She's chosen a song by Celine Dion. ... Is that wise, choosing a Celine Dion song? Cause you know, she is a singer best known for the theme to a sinking ship? It's not really what you want to do.
The members of the class groaned.
Smith’s announcement meant they would have to do homework. They would have to do research. They would have to think.
Professor Smith began the next class, “Harrington, background please.”
Harrington said, “Scooter Libby used to the chief of staff of the Vice President, Dick Cheney. Recently, Scooter Libby was convicted on three counts of perjury and one count of providing false statements. This last count often is correctly reported as obstructing justice.”
Professor Smith commented, “It is often a foolish act to try to comment in a logical manner about illogical actions. Therefore, it is often a foolhardy act to comment in a logical manner about American politics.
“But there is a strange aspect about these appeals that Libby be pardoned. If you examine the strategies rigorously, some of the sillinesses at play really do turn out to make sense. However, there are a host of comic incendiaries and a series of irrational land mines along the way.”
Professor Smith asked a student to state one of the arguments that Libby be pardoned.
Some Arguments
Fontella raised her hand, “One argument to pardon Libby is that there was no underlying crime.”
“Repsonse?”
Fontella continued, “This is nonsense. Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. That there was no guilty verdict on some other crime that led to the other charges is irrelevant.”
Professor Smith smiled.
Fontella smiled.
Alicia raised her hand, “Some suggest Libby should be pardoned because Libby wasn’t responsible for the original actions against Valerie Plame. It is the comments about Plame that started the complex series of events that led to the Libby trial.
“But this argument also is ludicrous. Let’s say Joe and Moe rob a bank. Joe and Moe are not caught. But Scooter lies to law enforcement officials about what he knows about Joe and Moe. In that scenario, Scooter still has committed a crime. And Scooter’s crime is still a crime even if Scooter had nothing to do with Joe and Moe’s crime.”
Professor Smith and Alicia smiled.
“No crime has been committed”
Professor Smith continued, “Hang in there. It gets sillier. Can anyone tell me what Fred Thompson said on this matter?”
Michael raised his hand, “Fred Thompson is running for the Republican presidential nomination. But he is not yet officially running. He has positioned himself as a conservative. He used be a senator. He used to star on TV’s Law & Order. About the chargers made against Scooter Libby, Thompson said, “It was obvious to me that no crime had been committed.”
Smith interrupted. “Hereafter, you may refer to Mr. Thompson as Law and Order Fred.”
Many in the class laughed.
Michael didn’t laugh. Michael has been in college for over three years. He has learned to throw a Frisbee (and so has passed the graduation requirement for many colleges and some universities). He has smoked pot. He has had his first sexual experiences. Michael even has learned one of the hardest lessons in life, he has learned to like dorm food. But poor Michael remains an overly serious young man. He did not laugh.
When the laughter died down, Michael continued, “Perjury is a crime. Providing false statements is a crime. Thompson also suggested that the special prosecutor process is unfair. Few things in life are perfectly fair. But the process the special prosecutor’s actions were legal. Legally,
Thompson’s arguments don’t amount to a hill of beans.”
Smith asked, “Anyone have a response?”
Louise sat in the back row. Her feet were on the chair in front of her. She said, “There is of course the absurdist defense. It goes something like this, This is American politics. It doesn’t have to make sense.”
Most students laughed. Smith smiled.
Pandering
A student that others called Goodytwoshoes raised her hand. She cleared her throat and then said, “The people making the argument to pardon Libby are in positions of influence. But unlike presidents and legislators, few have to answer for the influence they exert. So to some degree they can say what they want. They don’t have to act on what they say. This puts them in a perfect position to pander.”
Goodytwoshoes continued, “These arguments do make some sense if you bring in the idea of pandering. Clearly, the people making these arguments are playing to their base. Or, if you prefer, they’re pandering. Pandering does energize a party’s voters. It does make headlines. It does persuade voters to give money, to support you, and to get others to do the same.”
Law and Order?
A disheveled student who hadn’t shaved in a week said, “Many of the same conservatives who are arguing that Libby should be pardoned get very hot and bothered about illegal immigrants. Many conservatives use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe a process that does not provide amnesty. They use the word ‘amnesty’ to describe an aspect of an immigration bill that has been proposed. It would require illegal immigrants to pay a very hefty fine and file paperwork with a bureaucracy that is far worse than your local not-so-friendly DMV. The word ‘amnesty’ is being used to describe a process that forces people to deal with a bureaucracy that in many ways doles out more than its fair share of cruel and unusual punishment.”
Professor Smith replied, “Once again Mr. Poole, thank you for dropping in your weekly joke about the DMV. The members of the class also thank you for your daily attempt to steer the discussion away from the topic.”
Poole took a little bow and smiled.
Smith continued, “We will return from our diversion. Are there other arguments put forward to pardon Mr. Libby?”
The Fall Guy
Candice raised her hand. “Another argument is that pardoning Libby will end speculation about Libby being the fall guy. This too is nonsense. If people want to speculate about Libby being the fall guy for actions by Bush, Cheney, and or others, people will speculate. It is even logical to assume that a Libby pardon will give credibility to those who argue that Libby was a fall guy. This would increase speculation . . . not suppress it.”
Smith asked, “No doubt there are other arguments. But for now let’s look at the larger picture. What do all of these arguments miss?”
Poole replied, “Anything logical.”
Smith responded, “Yes.”
Jaunita raised her hand, “The general standards for any presidential pardon are that the convict has expressed remorse and has served time in jail.”
Smith added, “And why have these elements not been included in the arguments that have been made to pardon Mr. Libby?”
Jaunita continued, “There’s no connection. Libby has not expressed remorse. Libby has not yet served jail time.”
Smith nodded. “Very good. The next step in our discussion is obvious.”
Judge Sentelle
None of the students moved.
Smith said, “Mr. Poole, what’s wrong with lawyer jokes?”
“Lawyers don’t think they’re funny. And people who aren’t lawyers don’t think they’re jokes.”
Smith asked, “Chantelle, What does a lawyer use for birth control?”
“The only lawyer I know uses his personality.”
Smith asked, “Mr. Carlton, A dead dog is on the road. On the same road there also is a dead lawyer. What’s the difference between a dead dog and the dead lawyer?”
“There are skid marks in front of the dog.”
Except for poor Michael, the students laughed at the lawyer jokes. Poor Michael had the sense of humor usually allotted to aardvarks, network studio executives, and dead mules.
Smith continued, “Connection?”
Carlton raised his hand, “Mr. Libby has lawyers. They will appeal.”
Smith nodded. “Where is it most likely this verdict will be overturned?”
Chantelle raised her hand, “President Regan was careful to appoint Judge David Sentelle to the appeals court that will hear cases tried in the DC area. Sentelle is a conservative. Sentelle was one of the judges who overturned the convictions of Oliver North and John Poindexter during Iran Contra. Sentelle was one of the judges who appointed Ken Starr to investigate Bill Clinton. And on the appeals court where Sentelle serves, only two of the three votes cast are needed to overturn a conviction.”
Smith added, “Let’s consider two scenarios. In one, the Libby verdict is overturned. In another, Bush pardons Libby. Given either of these scenarios, how do all these illogical calls for a pardon become, in some way, logical?”
No student raised a hand.
This makes sense?
Professor Smith paced a little then continued, “If you drill down deep enough, all this noise about Libby does . . . in some way . . . make sense.”
No student raised a hand.
Smith continued, “All this illogical noise about Libby is now part of the public dialogue. Illogical, silly, and dysfunctional as this conversation is, it is in the public arena. Therefore . . ..”
Poole raised his hand, “In some way it will provide political cover if Libby’s conviction is overturned . . . or if he is pardoned.”
“And what is another word for this political cover?”
“Camouflage.”
“And additionally?”
“These organs have all but shouted to the world that should a verdict be overturned or a pardon be issued, that they will again restate their opinions on these matters.” Poole smiled.
Smith continued, “Thank you Mr. Poole. I can see this class has not been an entire waste of time for you.”
Smith smiled. “Good. Next class be prepared to discuss vacuous truths, dumb blonde jokes, and Paris Hilton.”
Better Late than Never
Since 1989 automakers have been required to produce automobiles that get on average 27.5 miles per gallon. SUV’s and small trucks were somehow considered not to be automobiles and were allowed to get, on average, 22.2 mpg. Last week the Senate approved new standards. By 2020 all vehicles will have to get, on average, 35 miles per gallon. By 2015 half the new vehicles will have to run on 85% ethanol.
It is not certain that the House will pass the measure or if the President will sign it.
Clearly, national security concerns over imported oil, global warming, and the high price of gas helped moved many who for years had opposed such legislation to now support it. It certainly is a start. In the diseased world we live in this was heralded as good news. But such comments are far too polite: actions like this should have been taken years ago.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show, It's a great day for Hillary Clinton. She chose a song for her campaign. She's chosen a song by Celine Dion. ... Is that wise, choosing a Celine Dion song? Cause you know, she is a singer best known for the theme to a sinking ship? It's not really what you want to do.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Father's Day 2050
Idiots of the Week
Once again the prize goes to the US media. As they should be, the media and the chattering classes are doing stories about the report card Shrub’s Administration will issue about the war in Iraq. Frequently the phrase “militarily and politically” are being used. This is a good thing. It implies that the media is doing stories and the pundits are considering more than simply the military efforts in Iraq. It implies that the report card should also consider how well the Iraqi government is performing.
There is other good news.
Many are suggesting that the actions and comments by Shrub and his lieutenants imply that whatever the news from Iraq, the Shrub Administration will argue that it is too early to tell if the surge is working. Reports and commentary suggest that whatever the news is in September that Shrub will do all he can to keep the war going. This way mopping up the mess will be left to another administration. The clearest evidence to support this theory are comments Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, made last week, “I have warned from the very beginning about expecting some sort of magical thing to happen in September.”
The Fault Dear Media
But as they have in the past, the US media and particularly the punditocracy are making a horrible mistake.
There’ s not nearly enough talk about two other components to the war. If the US is to succeed in Iraq, four things have to happen. The first two have been given attention in the media: the US military has to suppress the insurgency, the Iraqi government has to be a dynamic, positive, and competent force in the country.
The other two components of success have not: the status of the Iraqi security forces (its army and police force) and the status of the Iraqi infrastructure. The Iraqi security forces will have to standup and take charge when US troops leave. And when the US leaves, a competent infrastructure has to be operational so that essential goods and services are delivered routinely: Iraqi’s need to have electricity as well as easy access to food, water, and clothing. Their sewage systems have to work. Their oil and other industries have to produce revenues.
It is easy to understand why Shrub and his administration have no desire to talk about the Iraqi security forces and the Iraqi infrastructure—there’s very little progress being made in these arenas. But because the media is so often acting like a loyal puppy dog, Americans are not reading and hearing about these second two components enough.
This is a mistake of the highest order.
Kudos to Jon Stewart
For catching Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, lying. Stewart showed video tape from March 15. Snow said that the firing of the US attorneys was performance based. Last week at a press conference, a reporter commented to Snow, that earlier Snow had stated that politics was not involved, the firing of the US attorney’s was performance based.
Snow interrupted, “No, that is something—we never said that.”
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Jay Leno, host of The Tonight Show, "Scooter" Libby [is] going to jail unless they—unless President Bush acts quickly. Yeah.
And today, the city of New Orleans said, "Good luck with Bush acting quickly. Let us know how that goes – give us a call. Let us know how that works out, that quickly thing."
Father’s Day 2050
Last Sunday, Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe had a pleasant Father’s Day with his family. When he went to bed on Sunday night, it was Father’s Day 2007. When he woke up, it was Father’s Day 2050—and some of his grandchildren wanted to talk with him.
They gave him a robe and slippers. They led him to a comfortable chair. It was morning. He was hungry. He asked for coffee and steak and eggs.
His grandchildren gasped.
One of his grandchildren said, “Do you know what that would cost?”
Inhofe replied, “A few bucks.”
The grandchildren gasped again. “The steak and coffee alone require the use of over 50,000 gallons of water. Not even gazillionaires can eat a meal that requires the use of so much water.”
The Senator barked, “What’s this hogwash?”
One of the grandchildren pulled a gadget out of his pocket. He pushed the gadget’s screen a few times. Then he said, “Look at the date on the newspaper.”
Inhofe said, “2050. So?”
One of the grandchildren said, “Things are different now.”
Another said, “The world is a different place than when you were here.”
Bubbles
One of the grandchildren picked up the gadget the Senator had. She pushed a few things on the gadget’s screen. She showed Inhofe the picture on the gadget’s screen.
Inhofe said, “What’s that?”
“It’s a picture of Oklahoma City from 30,000 feet.”
Inhofe said, “It’s a picture of a fishbowl put over a city.”
One of the grandchildren said, “All the cities have them now.”
Inhofe said, “Fishbowls?”
One of his grandchildren said, “We call them bubbles.”
Another added, “They are made of glass, plastic, and some stuff you don’t know about yet.”
Inhofe asked, “Don’t know?”
One of his grandchildren said, “The air is so bad we had to put bubbles over the cities.”
“Well that’s a good thing.”
A grandchild asked, “That the air is bad is a good thing?”
Inhofe said, “It’s a good thing that we have the technology to build the bubbles.”
One of the grandchildren showed his grandfather the contents of a suitcase. “These are the medications I take in a year for my asthma.”
Inhofe said, “Well it’s good you have those medications to take.”
The grandchild coughed. “Doctors tell me that a hundred years ago I wouldn’t have developed the asthma. They say that I got it from the bad air.”
Inhofe responded, “Oh.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We have a little movie we’d like to show you.”
One of the grandchildren pushed a button. A thin screen descended from the ceiling. The lights dimmed. Images appeared on the screen.
A Short Movie
The first images were still pictures taken of glaciers. The still pictures made it obvious that the glaciers were melting.
One of the grandchildren said, “These pictures were taken when you were alive.”
Then there was a film clip of Senator Inhofe. He said:
“Catastrophic global warming is a hoax.”
“No meaningful warming has occurred over the last century."
"Global warming is still considered to be a theory and has not come close to being sufficiently proven."
Another picture appeared on the screen.
One of the grandchildren said, “This was taken the day you said that everything on which the environmentalists ‘based their story, in terms of the facts, has been refuted scientifically.’ ”
Another grandchild added, “This picture was taken the day you said, ‘Global Warming is the second-largest hoax ever played on the American people, after the separation of church and state.’ ”
One of the grandchildren said, “This is what remains of the ice cap at the North Pole.”
It was a picture of water.
A grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes they had to build to keep Miami dry.”
Another of the grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes used to keep London dry.”
Another grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes—”
Inhof replied, “Enough already with the dikes!”
They saw a picture of a desert.
One of the grandchildren said, “In 2001 this was a meadow.”
They saw a picture of a lake.
Then they saw a picture of a dry and shallow valley. One of the grandchildren said, “What used to be a lake looks like this now.”
They saw some numbers. One of the grandchildren said, “This number represents the number in thousands of the people killed in a year by something connected with global warming.”
The little movie ended. The lights came back on.
Laughing Stock
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming.”
Another grandchild said, “But it’s worse than that. A lot of people were wrong about global warming.”
A granchild added, “You’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Me?”
Another grandchild said, “A laughing stock is just the start of it.”
The Senator wagged his finger in the air and said, “I am James Inhofe. I’m the senior senator from the great state of Oklahoma. Kay and I are the proud parents—”
A grandchild said, “That was then, today you’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Well a company I ran did have some problems.”
A grandchild added, “Quaker Life Insurance Compnay went bankrupt. But people who hate you, people who laugh at you don’t even bother with that. It’s very small potatoes.”
Another grandchild commented, “ ’Inhofe’ is now a synonym for Luddite.”
Inhofe asked, “What’s a Luddite?”
A granchild said, “Anyone opposed to progress.”
Another grandhild said, “Movies have been made that contrast your comments—espcially about global warming—with reality.”
Another grandchild said, “One comedian, when he was in trouble, just said your name—and people laughed. It became his signiture joke. He’s used that joke to provoke millions of people to laugh.”
Inhofe waved his hand in the air. “Politicians have been providing fodder for comedians for years.”
A grandchild said, “You are the poster boy for the worst of your generation.”
Another granchild said, “Poll after poll after poll shouts to all that you’re reputation is worse than murderers, rapists, and horrible polticians.”
A grandchild said, “You’re reputation is even worse than George Bush’s.”
A granchild commented, “I didn’t know that.”
Yet another grandchild added, “That’s old news. In recent polls he’s even lower than Paris Hilton.”
Inhofe asked, “Paris Hilton is still alive?”
Another grandchild said, “She’s gotten some really bad publicity of late.”
One Question
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming. There’s no doubt you’re now a laughing stock. Study after study shows that comments you made and actions you took slowed the progress on global warming. “
Another grandchild turned to Inhofe and said, “We know you got over a million dollars in contributions from oil, gas, and other energy companies. We know that the money they gave encouraged you to say and do the things you said and did.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We called you here to ask you one question.”
Inhofe sat up in his chair. “Okay, what is it?
One of the grandchildren asked, “Was it worth it?”
Once again the prize goes to the US media. As they should be, the media and the chattering classes are doing stories about the report card Shrub’s Administration will issue about the war in Iraq. Frequently the phrase “militarily and politically” are being used. This is a good thing. It implies that the media is doing stories and the pundits are considering more than simply the military efforts in Iraq. It implies that the report card should also consider how well the Iraqi government is performing.
There is other good news.
Many are suggesting that the actions and comments by Shrub and his lieutenants imply that whatever the news from Iraq, the Shrub Administration will argue that it is too early to tell if the surge is working. Reports and commentary suggest that whatever the news is in September that Shrub will do all he can to keep the war going. This way mopping up the mess will be left to another administration. The clearest evidence to support this theory are comments Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, made last week, “I have warned from the very beginning about expecting some sort of magical thing to happen in September.”
The Fault Dear Media
But as they have in the past, the US media and particularly the punditocracy are making a horrible mistake.
There’ s not nearly enough talk about two other components to the war. If the US is to succeed in Iraq, four things have to happen. The first two have been given attention in the media: the US military has to suppress the insurgency, the Iraqi government has to be a dynamic, positive, and competent force in the country.
The other two components of success have not: the status of the Iraqi security forces (its army and police force) and the status of the Iraqi infrastructure. The Iraqi security forces will have to standup and take charge when US troops leave. And when the US leaves, a competent infrastructure has to be operational so that essential goods and services are delivered routinely: Iraqi’s need to have electricity as well as easy access to food, water, and clothing. Their sewage systems have to work. Their oil and other industries have to produce revenues.
It is easy to understand why Shrub and his administration have no desire to talk about the Iraqi security forces and the Iraqi infrastructure—there’s very little progress being made in these arenas. But because the media is so often acting like a loyal puppy dog, Americans are not reading and hearing about these second two components enough.
This is a mistake of the highest order.
Kudos to Jon Stewart
For catching Shrub’s press secretary, Tony Snow, lying. Stewart showed video tape from March 15. Snow said that the firing of the US attorneys was performance based. Last week at a press conference, a reporter commented to Snow, that earlier Snow had stated that politics was not involved, the firing of the US attorney’s was performance based.
Snow interrupted, “No, that is something—we never said that.”
Line of the Week
Courtesy of Jay Leno, host of The Tonight Show, "Scooter" Libby [is] going to jail unless they—unless President Bush acts quickly. Yeah.
And today, the city of New Orleans said, "Good luck with Bush acting quickly. Let us know how that goes – give us a call. Let us know how that works out, that quickly thing."
Father’s Day 2050
Last Sunday, Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe had a pleasant Father’s Day with his family. When he went to bed on Sunday night, it was Father’s Day 2007. When he woke up, it was Father’s Day 2050—and some of his grandchildren wanted to talk with him.
They gave him a robe and slippers. They led him to a comfortable chair. It was morning. He was hungry. He asked for coffee and steak and eggs.
His grandchildren gasped.
One of his grandchildren said, “Do you know what that would cost?”
Inhofe replied, “A few bucks.”
The grandchildren gasped again. “The steak and coffee alone require the use of over 50,000 gallons of water. Not even gazillionaires can eat a meal that requires the use of so much water.”
The Senator barked, “What’s this hogwash?”
One of the grandchildren pulled a gadget out of his pocket. He pushed the gadget’s screen a few times. Then he said, “Look at the date on the newspaper.”
Inhofe said, “2050. So?”
One of the grandchildren said, “Things are different now.”
Another said, “The world is a different place than when you were here.”
Bubbles
One of the grandchildren picked up the gadget the Senator had. She pushed a few things on the gadget’s screen. She showed Inhofe the picture on the gadget’s screen.
Inhofe said, “What’s that?”
“It’s a picture of Oklahoma City from 30,000 feet.”
Inhofe said, “It’s a picture of a fishbowl put over a city.”
One of the grandchildren said, “All the cities have them now.”
Inhofe said, “Fishbowls?”
One of his grandchildren said, “We call them bubbles.”
Another added, “They are made of glass, plastic, and some stuff you don’t know about yet.”
Inhofe asked, “Don’t know?”
One of his grandchildren said, “The air is so bad we had to put bubbles over the cities.”
“Well that’s a good thing.”
A grandchild asked, “That the air is bad is a good thing?”
Inhofe said, “It’s a good thing that we have the technology to build the bubbles.”
One of the grandchildren showed his grandfather the contents of a suitcase. “These are the medications I take in a year for my asthma.”
Inhofe said, “Well it’s good you have those medications to take.”
The grandchild coughed. “Doctors tell me that a hundred years ago I wouldn’t have developed the asthma. They say that I got it from the bad air.”
Inhofe responded, “Oh.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We have a little movie we’d like to show you.”
One of the grandchildren pushed a button. A thin screen descended from the ceiling. The lights dimmed. Images appeared on the screen.
A Short Movie
The first images were still pictures taken of glaciers. The still pictures made it obvious that the glaciers were melting.
One of the grandchildren said, “These pictures were taken when you were alive.”
Then there was a film clip of Senator Inhofe. He said:
“Catastrophic global warming is a hoax.”
“No meaningful warming has occurred over the last century."
"Global warming is still considered to be a theory and has not come close to being sufficiently proven."
Another picture appeared on the screen.
One of the grandchildren said, “This was taken the day you said that everything on which the environmentalists ‘based their story, in terms of the facts, has been refuted scientifically.’ ”
Another grandchild added, “This picture was taken the day you said, ‘Global Warming is the second-largest hoax ever played on the American people, after the separation of church and state.’ ”
One of the grandchildren said, “This is what remains of the ice cap at the North Pole.”
It was a picture of water.
A grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes they had to build to keep Miami dry.”
Another of the grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes used to keep London dry.”
Another grandchild said, “This is a picture of the dikes—”
Inhof replied, “Enough already with the dikes!”
They saw a picture of a desert.
One of the grandchildren said, “In 2001 this was a meadow.”
They saw a picture of a lake.
Then they saw a picture of a dry and shallow valley. One of the grandchildren said, “What used to be a lake looks like this now.”
They saw some numbers. One of the grandchildren said, “This number represents the number in thousands of the people killed in a year by something connected with global warming.”
The little movie ended. The lights came back on.
Laughing Stock
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming.”
Another grandchild said, “But it’s worse than that. A lot of people were wrong about global warming.”
A granchild added, “You’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Me?”
Another grandchild said, “A laughing stock is just the start of it.”
The Senator wagged his finger in the air and said, “I am James Inhofe. I’m the senior senator from the great state of Oklahoma. Kay and I are the proud parents—”
A grandchild said, “That was then, today you’re a laughing stock.”
Inhofe replied, “Well a company I ran did have some problems.”
A grandchild added, “Quaker Life Insurance Compnay went bankrupt. But people who hate you, people who laugh at you don’t even bother with that. It’s very small potatoes.”
Another grandchild commented, “ ’Inhofe’ is now a synonym for Luddite.”
Inhofe asked, “What’s a Luddite?”
A granchild said, “Anyone opposed to progress.”
Another grandhild said, “Movies have been made that contrast your comments—espcially about global warming—with reality.”
Another grandchild said, “One comedian, when he was in trouble, just said your name—and people laughed. It became his signiture joke. He’s used that joke to provoke millions of people to laugh.”
Inhofe waved his hand in the air. “Politicians have been providing fodder for comedians for years.”
A grandchild said, “You are the poster boy for the worst of your generation.”
Another granchild said, “Poll after poll after poll shouts to all that you’re reputation is worse than murderers, rapists, and horrible polticians.”
A grandchild said, “You’re reputation is even worse than George Bush’s.”
A granchild commented, “I didn’t know that.”
Yet another grandchild added, “That’s old news. In recent polls he’s even lower than Paris Hilton.”
Inhofe asked, “Paris Hilton is still alive?”
Another grandchild said, “She’s gotten some really bad publicity of late.”
One Question
One grandchild said, “Clearly you were wrong about global warming. There’s no doubt you’re now a laughing stock. Study after study shows that comments you made and actions you took slowed the progress on global warming. “
Another grandchild turned to Inhofe and said, “We know you got over a million dollars in contributions from oil, gas, and other energy companies. We know that the money they gave encouraged you to say and do the things you said and did.”
One of the grandchildren said, “We called you here to ask you one question.”
Inhofe sat up in his chair. “Okay, what is it?
One of the grandchildren asked, “Was it worth it?”
Monday, June 11, 2007
“Huey” “Dewey” and “Louie” in Disneyland
Huey: What is it?
Dewey: It’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Louie: A letter from the Pentagon?
Huey: A letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: Is there an echo in here?
Louie: There’s no echo. There’s no “in here.”
Huey: Because we’re outside.
Dewey: This is outside?
Louie: It’s a theme park.
Huey: Were inside a theme park.
Dewey: Which is outside.
Louie: Thank goodness we’ve got that straight.
Huey: You said there’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: I thought I had it right here.
Louie: What’s in it?
Huey: A lot of military guys—
Dewey: No, what’s in the letter?
Louie: It’s a letter that says we may be under surveillance.
Huey: Surely you must be kidding.
Dewey: Don’t call me Shirley.
A gray haired man who also was waiting in line said, “You can call me Shirley.”
Louie: The Pentagon wrote a letter?
Huey: Who taught a building how to write?
Dewey: The pentagon isn’t
Louie: a building, it’s
Huey: a bureaucracy.
Dewey: One thing bureaucracies can do
Louie: is create paperwork.
Huey takes the letter.
Huey: It’s not from the Defense Department.
Dewey: It’s from someone who says he works in the Defense Department.
Louie. A leak.
Huey: Are you
Dewey: sure your name is
Louie: Shirley?
Shirley: Surely.
Backstory
Recently three of the countries best political satirists met—no, I was not invited to join them. A nice person in the Homeland Security Office sent me a transcript of their conversation, complete with color pictures that were taken of the event. The satirists met at Disneyland. The reasons are obvious. The satirists find the absurd very attractive. Clearly, Southern California was the perfect place for them to meet. While they were waiting to take the Splash Mountain ride, much of their talk turned to politics.
The satirists, either for reasons related to their natural playfulness or a harebrained attempt to maintain anonymity referred to themselves as Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Huey: I still don’t know who this guy who claims to be Shirley is.
Dewey: I hear Splash Mountain is sometimes called Flash Mountain.
Louie: As in take a picture . . . flash.
Huey: Flash? I knew a dog named Flash. Did someone let a dog in here?
Dewey: You want a dog to take a picture?
Louie: There’re no dogs in Disneyland.
Huey: Pluto’s a dog.
Dewey: And Pluto’s in Disneyland.
Louie: Pluto’s a planet.
Huey: Not anymore.
Dewey: What have you been doing?
Louie: Getting your news from the President?
Huey: They call it Flash Mountain as in flash . . .
Dewey: as in women flash
Louie: their features.
Good Time to be a Satirist?
Shirley said, “No doubt it’s a good time to be a satirist.”
Huey, Dewey, and Louie frowned.
Shirley: Whattareya talkin about? Huey wrote a spoof on McCain shopping in Baghdad and how safe it was—as long as he was wearing a flack jacket and a helicopter was flying overhead. A month later the same thing happened in real life.
Dewey wrote that really funny piece on how the all but one of candidates of the party of family values—all but one of them were divorced. Louie wrote that over a year ago. Now, a year later, all but one of the candidates for the party of family values are divorced—all but one of em. And the one who isn’t divorced, one of his ancestors was a polygamist.
Years ago Louie wrote that very funny piece about how the Democrats would regret voting for the war in Iraq. That too has happened.
As I said, this has got to be a great time to be a satirist.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: Surely you must be kidding.
Shirley: I definitely am not kidding. We live in hilarious times.
Huey: That’s the problem.
Shirley: How is being funny a problem—when it’s your job to be funny?
Dewey: Our job is to be funny?
Louie: That’s what he said.
Huey: I thought our job was
Dewey: to poke fun at hypocrites,
Louie: deride the self-important,
Huey: shine a light into areas of darkness,
Dewey: and
Louie: make a few bucks.
Shirley: Anyway, so why are you guys depressed?
Huey: Law and order Republicans are talking seriously about a pardon for Scooter Libby—a man found guilty on four—
Dewey: Count em
Louie: four
Huey: felony counts.
Dewey: As the great Yogi Berra said,
Louie: You could look it up.
Huey: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Dewey: Policies of the Pro-life party have killed hundreds of thousands in a war their policies started.
Louie: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Shirley: What does that mean?
Huey: That means the Democrats are just preaching the politics of opportunity.
Dewey: It means they haven’t learned what they should about fear.
Louie: So what’s new about that?
Huey: Nothin.
Dewey: That’s the Democrats
Louie: being Democrats.
Take Nixon
Shirley: This can’t be all that different from other times. In other times politicians did stupid stuff. Take Nixon for example.
Huey: I don’t want to take Nixon.
Dewey: Do you want to take Nixon?
Louie: Not if you paid me.
Huey: He’s dead.
Dewey: Why would I want
Louie: to take a dead man?
Huey: My wife, now someone could take my wife.
Dewey: Please!
Louie: We should try
Huey: to be a little serious.
Dewey: Who can be a little serious?
Louie: You’re right.
Huey: We’re not good at being a little anything.
Shirley: So how’s Bush all that different from Nixon?
Dewey: Nixon wiretapped a few people; Bush wiretapped half the nation.
Louie: Nixon did some good things.
Huey: Environmental Protection Agency.
Dewey: He helped get the amendment passed that lowered the voting age to 18.
Louie: He opened the door to China.
Huey: Détente with Russia.
Dewey: What’s Bush done that’s good?
Louie: Well he goes to Texas a lot, and when he’s there, he generally doesn’t do much.
The Heart of the Matter
Shirley: Are you complaining that your job is too easy?
Huey: We try to be incongruous and absurd
Dewey: provocative and ridiculous.
Louie: Usually we do this by exaggerating
Huey: a trait or a quality
Dewey: a policy or a position.
Louie: The people we’re to ridicule, they do these things naturally.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: It’s a horrible time to be a satirist.
Shirley: Why’s that?
Huey: Because the people we’re to make fun of are being so ridiculous that to exaggerate what they do,
Dewey: well to exaggerate what they do is
Louie: not possible.
Huey: They’re the satirists.
Dewey: And they’re not even trying to be satirists.
Louie: Imagine how that makes us feel.
Kudos
To Paul Begala and CNN for getting the gaffe thing right after the second Republican debate. Many media sources criticized Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee for confusing the date that Reagan died (June 5—the date of the debate) with the day he was born (February 6). Begala correctly pointed out a far more serious error made by Mitch Romney. Romney said, “If you're saying, let's turn back the clock and Saddam Hussein had opened up his country to IAEA [International Atomic Energy Agency] inspectors and they'd come in and they'd found that there were no weapons of mass destruction – had Saddam Hussein therefore not violated United Nations resolutions – we wouldn't be in the conflict we're in. But he didn't do those things, and we knew what we knew at the point we made the decision to get in.”
Begala noted correctly that in September 2002 Saddam Hussein did allow IAEA inspectors into his country. They did not find evidence that the country had weapons of mass destruction.
The failure of the media to notice the mistake, the failure of many to urge that the mistake be corrected, and the failure of the media to correct this mistake speak volumes about the weaknesses of the media today.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of The Late Show with David Letterman, “Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama”
Dewey: It’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Louie: A letter from the Pentagon?
Huey: A letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: Is there an echo in here?
Louie: There’s no echo. There’s no “in here.”
Huey: Because we’re outside.
Dewey: This is outside?
Louie: It’s a theme park.
Huey: Were inside a theme park.
Dewey: Which is outside.
Louie: Thank goodness we’ve got that straight.
Huey: You said there’s a letter from the Pentagon.
Dewey: I thought I had it right here.
Louie: What’s in it?
Huey: A lot of military guys—
Dewey: No, what’s in the letter?
Louie: It’s a letter that says we may be under surveillance.
Huey: Surely you must be kidding.
Dewey: Don’t call me Shirley.
A gray haired man who also was waiting in line said, “You can call me Shirley.”
Louie: The Pentagon wrote a letter?
Huey: Who taught a building how to write?
Dewey: The pentagon isn’t
Louie: a building, it’s
Huey: a bureaucracy.
Dewey: One thing bureaucracies can do
Louie: is create paperwork.
Huey takes the letter.
Huey: It’s not from the Defense Department.
Dewey: It’s from someone who says he works in the Defense Department.
Louie. A leak.
Huey: Are you
Dewey: sure your name is
Louie: Shirley?
Shirley: Surely.
Backstory
Recently three of the countries best political satirists met—no, I was not invited to join them. A nice person in the Homeland Security Office sent me a transcript of their conversation, complete with color pictures that were taken of the event. The satirists met at Disneyland. The reasons are obvious. The satirists find the absurd very attractive. Clearly, Southern California was the perfect place for them to meet. While they were waiting to take the Splash Mountain ride, much of their talk turned to politics.
The satirists, either for reasons related to their natural playfulness or a harebrained attempt to maintain anonymity referred to themselves as Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Huey: I still don’t know who this guy who claims to be Shirley is.
Dewey: I hear Splash Mountain is sometimes called Flash Mountain.
Louie: As in take a picture . . . flash.
Huey: Flash? I knew a dog named Flash. Did someone let a dog in here?
Dewey: You want a dog to take a picture?
Louie: There’re no dogs in Disneyland.
Huey: Pluto’s a dog.
Dewey: And Pluto’s in Disneyland.
Louie: Pluto’s a planet.
Huey: Not anymore.
Dewey: What have you been doing?
Louie: Getting your news from the President?
Huey: They call it Flash Mountain as in flash . . .
Dewey: as in women flash
Louie: their features.
Good Time to be a Satirist?
Shirley said, “No doubt it’s a good time to be a satirist.”
Huey, Dewey, and Louie frowned.
Shirley: Whattareya talkin about? Huey wrote a spoof on McCain shopping in Baghdad and how safe it was—as long as he was wearing a flack jacket and a helicopter was flying overhead. A month later the same thing happened in real life.
Dewey wrote that really funny piece on how the all but one of candidates of the party of family values—all but one of them were divorced. Louie wrote that over a year ago. Now, a year later, all but one of the candidates for the party of family values are divorced—all but one of em. And the one who isn’t divorced, one of his ancestors was a polygamist.
Years ago Louie wrote that very funny piece about how the Democrats would regret voting for the war in Iraq. That too has happened.
As I said, this has got to be a great time to be a satirist.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: Surely you must be kidding.
Shirley: I definitely am not kidding. We live in hilarious times.
Huey: That’s the problem.
Shirley: How is being funny a problem—when it’s your job to be funny?
Dewey: Our job is to be funny?
Louie: That’s what he said.
Huey: I thought our job was
Dewey: to poke fun at hypocrites,
Louie: deride the self-important,
Huey: shine a light into areas of darkness,
Dewey: and
Louie: make a few bucks.
Shirley: Anyway, so why are you guys depressed?
Huey: Law and order Republicans are talking seriously about a pardon for Scooter Libby—a man found guilty on four—
Dewey: Count em
Louie: four
Huey: felony counts.
Dewey: As the great Yogi Berra said,
Louie: You could look it up.
Huey: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Dewey: Policies of the Pro-life party have killed hundreds of thousands in a war their policies started.
Louie: And the Democrats are being Democrats.
Shirley: What does that mean?
Huey: That means the Democrats are just preaching the politics of opportunity.
Dewey: It means they haven’t learned what they should about fear.
Louie: So what’s new about that?
Huey: Nothin.
Dewey: That’s the Democrats
Louie: being Democrats.
Take Nixon
Shirley: This can’t be all that different from other times. In other times politicians did stupid stuff. Take Nixon for example.
Huey: I don’t want to take Nixon.
Dewey: Do you want to take Nixon?
Louie: Not if you paid me.
Huey: He’s dead.
Dewey: Why would I want
Louie: to take a dead man?
Huey: My wife, now someone could take my wife.
Dewey: Please!
Louie: We should try
Huey: to be a little serious.
Dewey: Who can be a little serious?
Louie: You’re right.
Huey: We’re not good at being a little anything.
Shirley: So how’s Bush all that different from Nixon?
Dewey: Nixon wiretapped a few people; Bush wiretapped half the nation.
Louie: Nixon did some good things.
Huey: Environmental Protection Agency.
Dewey: He helped get the amendment passed that lowered the voting age to 18.
Louie: He opened the door to China.
Huey: Détente with Russia.
Dewey: What’s Bush done that’s good?
Louie: Well he goes to Texas a lot, and when he’s there, he generally doesn’t do much.
The Heart of the Matter
Shirley: Are you complaining that your job is too easy?
Huey: We try to be incongruous and absurd
Dewey: provocative and ridiculous.
Louie: Usually we do this by exaggerating
Huey: a trait or a quality
Dewey: a policy or a position.
Louie: The people we’re to ridicule, they do these things naturally.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: It’s a horrible time to be a satirist.
Shirley: Why’s that?
Huey: Because the people we’re to make fun of are being so ridiculous that to exaggerate what they do,
Dewey: well to exaggerate what they do is
Louie: not possible.
Huey: They’re the satirists.
Dewey: And they’re not even trying to be satirists.
Louie: Imagine how that makes us feel.
Kudos
To Paul Begala and CNN for getting the gaffe thing right after the second Republican debate. Many media sources criticized Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee for confusing the date that Reagan died (June 5—the date of the debate) with the day he was born (February 6). Begala correctly pointed out a far more serious error made by Mitch Romney. Romney said, “If you're saying, let's turn back the clock and Saddam Hussein had opened up his country to IAEA [International Atomic Energy Agency] inspectors and they'd come in and they'd found that there were no weapons of mass destruction – had Saddam Hussein therefore not violated United Nations resolutions – we wouldn't be in the conflict we're in. But he didn't do those things, and we knew what we knew at the point we made the decision to get in.”
Begala noted correctly that in September 2002 Saddam Hussein did allow IAEA inspectors into his country. They did not find evidence that the country had weapons of mass destruction.
The failure of the media to notice the mistake, the failure of many to urge that the mistake be corrected, and the failure of the media to correct this mistake speak volumes about the weaknesses of the media today.
Line of the Week
Courtesy of The Late Show with David Letterman, “Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama”
Monday, June 4, 2007
On Hillary's Problems
Often I go to great lengths to avoid talking about politics after work. Once I went to a costume party dressed as an angry protestor. I carried a sign that announced, “I don’t want to talk about politics!”
I hadn’t been at the party five minutes before a woman came up to me. She pointed to the sign and said, “Very funny.” Without taking a breath—or laughing—she began sharing her opinion about some dumb thing a politician had done.
The darndest thing about people is that sometimes they say something worth hearing. Not long ago I was at another party and the same woman came up to me. She couldn’t wait to tell me about the members of her book club. All of them are women. They’re all Democrats or left leaning independents. She told me, “The other day politics came up. Soon we were talking about Hillary. Each of them said, ‘I don’t like her.’ ”
Being the intrepid adventurer I am, I realized that my next mission in life was to find some voters who liked Hillary. I didn’t think it would be too hard.
Early Findings
Since then I’ve been trying.
I’ve found plenty of people who support her. I’ve found plenty who hope she is the next president. I’ve met many who admire her. Strange things happen after I ask, “Well, do you like her?”
Loud and bold supporters become quiet. Soft-spoken and civil supporters become shy. And a lot of people either rub the toe of their shoe in the dirt . . . or stare off into space . . . or hasten to change the subject.
I went to a focus group. It lasted two hours. One person in the focus group agreed with Ms. Clinton on all the major issues.
He was asked, “Will you vote for her?”
Later I chased him down. I asked, “Why can’t you vote for her?”
“Don’t like her.”
This likeablity thing is important. If you like a candidate, you are more willing to forgive the candidate when s/he makes a mistake. If a candidate is likeable, then the candidate will get votes and often money from people whose positions are more aligned with another candidate.
As the nice man who was running the focus group later said to me, “Emotions often turn off logic.”
I wanted to ask, “Who’s logical?” But that, I suppose, is another conversation.
The nice guy who ran the focus group added, “If a candidate is liked enough, people who logically wouldn’t have voted for him or her, very often will.”
The nice guy continued. “Reagan was so well liked that millions of Democrats voted for him. Reagan was so well liked that millions of people who were hurt by Reagan’s programs—millions of those people voted for him.”
If you Need an Excuse
Flying to Iowa I wandered into a dark area of an airport I shouldn’t have been in. Security found me. I thought I was a gonner. I envisioned being questioned. I envisioned being put in jail. I saw myself doing the perp walk. I got goose bumps.
A tall security guard who looked like a retired linebacker approached. He barked, “And just what are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
“Oh. Wanna borrow my flashlight?”
A few days later, I was late for a business meeting.
As I entered I mumbled, “Sorry, I was looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
My boss replied, “Well I’m surprised you’re here at all.”
In Iowa
I passed much of this week in Iowa. I figured Iowa would be the perfect place to find someone who likes Hillary. Iowans are warm—they have to be to survive those artic blasts that roll in from Canada. Iowans are patient—they have to be, life moves at a slower pace there. When you are in Iowa, you do a lot of waiting.
Again I found people who supported Hillary. Again I found people enthusiastic about her candidacy. But I found no one who likes her.
Now I could have cheated. I could have wandered into an office where supporters for Senator Clinton were working. Even if they didn’t like her, they would have to say they did.
These things get around. No one would want it getting around that they worked for a candidate they didn’t like.
I could have called members of Hillary’s family. I could have called Bill. He’s got a light schedule now. He might even talk with me. He’d tell me he likes Hillary.
I went to town hall meetings for Democrats. I went to town meetings for Republicans.
I never met anyone who likes Hillary Clinton.
Multi-tasking
The on-line magazine I work for is just getting started. I’m doing a lot of publicity for the magazine. Many times a week I’m a guest on a radio talk show. Recently, while a Clinton rally was winding down, I got a call on my cell phone. It was two o’clock. The talk show I was to appear on started after the news—at 2:05. I connected my phone to an earbud and put the earbud in my ear.
The rally ended. I listened to the news.
It came time for the talk show to begin. I stepped outside.
Fifteen minutes later a guy came up to me. The radio show I was a guest on was beginning a long commercial break.
They guy introduced himself. His name was Sam.
Sam was a Hillary supporter.
I asked him if he likes Hillary.
He did what politicians often do. He didn’t answer the question I asked. He answered the question he wanted to answer.
When Sam was younger, he had “worked security at rock and roll shows.” He’d done this in the DC area. First President Ford’s daughter and then President Carter’s son came to some of the shows where he worked. Sam saw Secret Service people “all the time.”
I told him I was not with the Secret Service.
“I know, I know. You’re with Treasury. That’s what they all said. I got to compliment you.
When you left the room, I couldn’t figure out who the other agents in the room were. ”
He pointed to the car I was leaning on. It was a tiny Japanese car I’d rented.
“And they used to drive boxy American cars. No more.
“And the earbuds. They were always white. I can see you’ve gotten more sophisticated.”
The radio program was still playing commercials. So I asked Sam, “Do you like Hillary?
He loved her chances. He loved Bill.
“Please. I’m really interested.”
He backed away. “Don’t get me wrong. I’d never harm her or anyone. Not a soul. I don’t even kill flies.”
“But do you like Hillary?”
“Goodness no.”
The commercial break ended. I had to return my attention to the radio program.
While a caller on the radio program asked me a question, Sam said, “Love the way you blend in now. Wish they did that in my day. Keep up the great work!”
I knew the civil thing to do was to repeat that I wasn’t a member of the Secret Service. But I had to respond to a question from a caller who was listening to the radio program.
Soon I realized: I do work that probably is as difficult as working for the Secret Service. I do work that probably is as challenging as working for the Secret Service.
I look for voters who like Hillary.
Idiots of the Week
Speaking on National Public Radio on March 31, NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said, “I have no doubt that global–that a trend of global warming exists. I am not sure that it is fair to say that it is a problem we must wrestle with.”
A NASA climate scientist, Jim Hansen, said Griffin’s comments showed “arrogance and ignorance.” A scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research, Jerry Mahlman, said that Griffin was “totally clueless” or “a deep antiglobal warming ideologue.”
In a related story, his wife asked him if taking out the trash was something he could wrestle with.
As you no doubt know, Andrew Speaker, an Atlanta resident has a rare form of tuberculosis. He traveled to Europe to get married—as if people don’t get married in Atlanta? Though he was on a “no fly list” the Department of Homeland Security allowed him to reenter the country.
Obviously Mr. Speaker makes our idiots list as does the Department of Homeland Security. But the Democrats do as well for not criticizing the Bush Administration and the Department of Homeland Security enough. This is one reason why Democrats lose so many elections. They don’t do the fear thing well. Speaker’s entering the US shows how poorly managed The Department of Homeland Security it. American’s should be scared about this issue. Once again the Dems blew it.
Oh, and in case you were wondering what Mr. Speaker’s profession is, he’s a lawyer.
Bush—hereafter referred to as Shrub—the term was first coined by the late Molly Ivins. It is used in this column as an affectionate homage to a talented colleague. This week Sir Shrub called for the fifteen biggest polluters to agree to non-binding agreements to cut emissions. They would start in ten years. Each country would create its own plan.
This is just like talk about the hydrogen car. Everyone loves it—especially automakers and the oil industry. It will go into effect so many years from now that it does nothing, nothing to change behavior in the short run.
If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could lobby the Senate to endorse the Kyoto Treaty. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he would urge the Environmental Protection Agency to approve the California plan to reduce emissions from automobiles. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could endorse the German plan. It would cut global greenhouse gas emissions to half of what they were in 1990. And it would do this by 2050. Shrub and his administration reject this proposal. He claims it is impractical.
And finally the US punditocracy and the editorial boards of the various media outlets deserve the IOW award for not calling Shrub’s environmental initiative what it is—a PR initiative to divert attention from the problem.
Line of the Week
Conan O’Brien on Late Night said, “Sources at the Pentagon—ah this is interesting—say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. Cause Americans only want two things from Iraq: a stable central government and affordable quality men’s wear.
I hadn’t been at the party five minutes before a woman came up to me. She pointed to the sign and said, “Very funny.” Without taking a breath—or laughing—she began sharing her opinion about some dumb thing a politician had done.
The darndest thing about people is that sometimes they say something worth hearing. Not long ago I was at another party and the same woman came up to me. She couldn’t wait to tell me about the members of her book club. All of them are women. They’re all Democrats or left leaning independents. She told me, “The other day politics came up. Soon we were talking about Hillary. Each of them said, ‘I don’t like her.’ ”
Being the intrepid adventurer I am, I realized that my next mission in life was to find some voters who liked Hillary. I didn’t think it would be too hard.
Early Findings
Since then I’ve been trying.
I’ve found plenty of people who support her. I’ve found plenty who hope she is the next president. I’ve met many who admire her. Strange things happen after I ask, “Well, do you like her?”
Loud and bold supporters become quiet. Soft-spoken and civil supporters become shy. And a lot of people either rub the toe of their shoe in the dirt . . . or stare off into space . . . or hasten to change the subject.
I went to a focus group. It lasted two hours. One person in the focus group agreed with Ms. Clinton on all the major issues.
He was asked, “Will you vote for her?”
Later I chased him down. I asked, “Why can’t you vote for her?”
“Don’t like her.”
This likeablity thing is important. If you like a candidate, you are more willing to forgive the candidate when s/he makes a mistake. If a candidate is likeable, then the candidate will get votes and often money from people whose positions are more aligned with another candidate.
As the nice man who was running the focus group later said to me, “Emotions often turn off logic.”
I wanted to ask, “Who’s logical?” But that, I suppose, is another conversation.
The nice guy who ran the focus group added, “If a candidate is liked enough, people who logically wouldn’t have voted for him or her, very often will.”
The nice guy continued. “Reagan was so well liked that millions of Democrats voted for him. Reagan was so well liked that millions of people who were hurt by Reagan’s programs—millions of those people voted for him.”
If you Need an Excuse
Flying to Iowa I wandered into a dark area of an airport I shouldn’t have been in. Security found me. I thought I was a gonner. I envisioned being questioned. I envisioned being put in jail. I saw myself doing the perp walk. I got goose bumps.
A tall security guard who looked like a retired linebacker approached. He barked, “And just what are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
“Oh. Wanna borrow my flashlight?”
A few days later, I was late for a business meeting.
As I entered I mumbled, “Sorry, I was looking for someone who likes Hillary.”
My boss replied, “Well I’m surprised you’re here at all.”
In Iowa
I passed much of this week in Iowa. I figured Iowa would be the perfect place to find someone who likes Hillary. Iowans are warm—they have to be to survive those artic blasts that roll in from Canada. Iowans are patient—they have to be, life moves at a slower pace there. When you are in Iowa, you do a lot of waiting.
Again I found people who supported Hillary. Again I found people enthusiastic about her candidacy. But I found no one who likes her.
Now I could have cheated. I could have wandered into an office where supporters for Senator Clinton were working. Even if they didn’t like her, they would have to say they did.
These things get around. No one would want it getting around that they worked for a candidate they didn’t like.
I could have called members of Hillary’s family. I could have called Bill. He’s got a light schedule now. He might even talk with me. He’d tell me he likes Hillary.
I went to town hall meetings for Democrats. I went to town meetings for Republicans.
I never met anyone who likes Hillary Clinton.
Multi-tasking
The on-line magazine I work for is just getting started. I’m doing a lot of publicity for the magazine. Many times a week I’m a guest on a radio talk show. Recently, while a Clinton rally was winding down, I got a call on my cell phone. It was two o’clock. The talk show I was to appear on started after the news—at 2:05. I connected my phone to an earbud and put the earbud in my ear.
The rally ended. I listened to the news.
It came time for the talk show to begin. I stepped outside.
Fifteen minutes later a guy came up to me. The radio show I was a guest on was beginning a long commercial break.
They guy introduced himself. His name was Sam.
Sam was a Hillary supporter.
I asked him if he likes Hillary.
He did what politicians often do. He didn’t answer the question I asked. He answered the question he wanted to answer.
When Sam was younger, he had “worked security at rock and roll shows.” He’d done this in the DC area. First President Ford’s daughter and then President Carter’s son came to some of the shows where he worked. Sam saw Secret Service people “all the time.”
I told him I was not with the Secret Service.
“I know, I know. You’re with Treasury. That’s what they all said. I got to compliment you.
When you left the room, I couldn’t figure out who the other agents in the room were. ”
He pointed to the car I was leaning on. It was a tiny Japanese car I’d rented.
“And they used to drive boxy American cars. No more.
“And the earbuds. They were always white. I can see you’ve gotten more sophisticated.”
The radio program was still playing commercials. So I asked Sam, “Do you like Hillary?
He loved her chances. He loved Bill.
“Please. I’m really interested.”
He backed away. “Don’t get me wrong. I’d never harm her or anyone. Not a soul. I don’t even kill flies.”
“But do you like Hillary?”
“Goodness no.”
The commercial break ended. I had to return my attention to the radio program.
While a caller on the radio program asked me a question, Sam said, “Love the way you blend in now. Wish they did that in my day. Keep up the great work!”
I knew the civil thing to do was to repeat that I wasn’t a member of the Secret Service. But I had to respond to a question from a caller who was listening to the radio program.
Soon I realized: I do work that probably is as difficult as working for the Secret Service. I do work that probably is as challenging as working for the Secret Service.
I look for voters who like Hillary.
Idiots of the Week
Speaking on National Public Radio on March 31, NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said, “I have no doubt that global–that a trend of global warming exists. I am not sure that it is fair to say that it is a problem we must wrestle with.”
A NASA climate scientist, Jim Hansen, said Griffin’s comments showed “arrogance and ignorance.” A scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research, Jerry Mahlman, said that Griffin was “totally clueless” or “a deep antiglobal warming ideologue.”
In a related story, his wife asked him if taking out the trash was something he could wrestle with.
As you no doubt know, Andrew Speaker, an Atlanta resident has a rare form of tuberculosis. He traveled to Europe to get married—as if people don’t get married in Atlanta? Though he was on a “no fly list” the Department of Homeland Security allowed him to reenter the country.
Obviously Mr. Speaker makes our idiots list as does the Department of Homeland Security. But the Democrats do as well for not criticizing the Bush Administration and the Department of Homeland Security enough. This is one reason why Democrats lose so many elections. They don’t do the fear thing well. Speaker’s entering the US shows how poorly managed The Department of Homeland Security it. American’s should be scared about this issue. Once again the Dems blew it.
Oh, and in case you were wondering what Mr. Speaker’s profession is, he’s a lawyer.
Bush—hereafter referred to as Shrub—the term was first coined by the late Molly Ivins. It is used in this column as an affectionate homage to a talented colleague. This week Sir Shrub called for the fifteen biggest polluters to agree to non-binding agreements to cut emissions. They would start in ten years. Each country would create its own plan.
This is just like talk about the hydrogen car. Everyone loves it—especially automakers and the oil industry. It will go into effect so many years from now that it does nothing, nothing to change behavior in the short run.
If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could lobby the Senate to endorse the Kyoto Treaty. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he would urge the Environmental Protection Agency to approve the California plan to reduce emissions from automobiles. If Shrub wanted to do something about global warming, he could endorse the German plan. It would cut global greenhouse gas emissions to half of what they were in 1990. And it would do this by 2050. Shrub and his administration reject this proposal. He claims it is impractical.
And finally the US punditocracy and the editorial boards of the various media outlets deserve the IOW award for not calling Shrub’s environmental initiative what it is—a PR initiative to divert attention from the problem.
Line of the Week
Conan O’Brien on Late Night said, “Sources at the Pentagon—ah this is interesting—say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. Cause Americans only want two things from Iraq: a stable central government and affordable quality men’s wear.
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