Inside the Bush Administration

The Bush Administration isn’t really as incompetent as it may appear to be. For example, there is a report—some allege it is merely a dream someone had, but what do they know? The report/dream is that high-ranking members of the Bush Administration are already interviewing people to be the next Attorney General.

See, they really do have foresight.

If you have been completely captivated by American Idol, you will need to know that Mr. Gonzales has come under all kinds of attention that public officials are loathe to attract. It’s really been a lot of silly hubbub over nothing. Just that some federal lawyers who were Republicans were fired—fools allege they were fired for very political reasons. They weren’t prosecuting Democrats or they weren’t prosecuting them fast enough.

There is that matter that Gonzales either didn’t know about the idiocies going on in his own department or that he did . . . and let it go on anyway.

A former Justice Department senior official has given damning testimony to the Senate.

Then there’s the matter of the high-ranking Justice Department official who took the fifth. Rumor has it that many senior officials in the Justice Department are looking for this fifth that that the high-ranking official took.

The missing fifth may have been found, but e-mails about its whereabouts are missing. Fortunately for the Justice Department news of the missing fifth haven’t reached the media yet.
All these concerns will easily be put to rest if we simply see how effectively senior members of the Bush Administration work. A brief sampling follows. To protect the guilty—we don’t pretend that anyone involved with any of this is innocent—names have been changed.


Bob: Well Mr. Smith we’d like to thank you for taking time from your busy day to interview for the position of Attorney General.

Smith (smiles): I’m delighted to be here.

Ray: Would you explain how you obtained your current job?

Smith: I don’t recall.

Bob and Ray smile. Ray whispers to Bob, “Precisely the way Gonzales put it. This guy is very good.” Bob nods.

Ray: Where did you go to law school?

Smith: Regent University.

Bob: That’s the law school founded by televangelist Pat Robertson. Over 150 of its graduates now work in Justice.

Smith (smiles): Our motto is "Christian leadership to change the world."

Ray: Regent certainly has done that.

Bob: Do you have a comment about the fact that many of your colleagues from Regent work here at Justice.

Smith: I've now been made aware of the fact that there was a conversation with the President that basically mentioned the same thing in October of 2006.

Bob looks through some papers. Then he whispers to Ray, “Exactly what Gonzales said, word-for-word.”

Bob: You don’t have much experience as a lawyer?

Smith: No.

Ray: Good. So you haven’t developed any bad habits.

Smith smiles insincerely.

Can You Spell “Potato”

Bob and Ray confer and agree he has a winning smile. Bob whispers to Ray, “Reminds me a little of that fellow Quayle.”

Bob: Can you spell potato?

Smith correctly spells potato.

Bob and Ray become so excited they almost give each other high and low fives at the same time.

Ray: Could you give us an example of when you used good judgment?

Smith: I don’t recall.

Again Bob and Ray exchange smiles. Ray says, “Just the way Gonzales put it. This guy is good.”

Bob: What would your priorities be?

Smith: The protection of civil rights, the protection of our voting rights, the protection of our civil liberties.

Bob shuffles through some papers. Then he whispers to Bob, “Why, that’s , why that’s, that’s exactly the way Gonzales put it. Very good.”

Ray: There are sensational rumors that the Justice Department has lost a fifth. If you accept the job of Attorney General, you will have to respond to rumors. How would you respond to this one?

Smith: People are concerned about a missing fifth of scotch?

Bob: Goodness no. Just a missing fifth.

Smith: Sounds like a musical term to me. I’d blame it on those Flappers.

Bob: Do you mean Rappers?

Smith: Yes. Thank you.

Ray: When did you decide to apply to work for the Justice Department?

Smith: I don’t recall.

Bob shuffles through papers. Then he nods. To Ray he whispers, He can quote this Gonzales guy real good.

Getting Rid of Unwanted Baggage

Ray: The job we are considering you for carries with it a lot of baggage.

Smith (smiles insincerely): If I may be allowed to brag. I hold the North American record for losing more baggage than anyone.


Bob: More than even the Denver Airport?


Smith: When it comes to loosing baggage, the people who work at the Denver Airport are rookies.


Ray: We place a great emphasis on loyalty here. This of course is why we are letting Mr. Gonzales go. This will allow us to be loyal to our pedigree which of course is to watch your backside my boy, if I may pass along something of advice to a man as young and talented as you are, Watch your backside my boy. Watch your backside.

Bob elbows Ray. Ray turns and looks at Bob. Then Bob says: Could you give us an example of how loyal you are?

Smith: Being loyal is the best revenge.

The Reagan Connection

Bob: At the moment the Justice Department is suffering something of an image problem. It will all blow over of course. It’s just some more liberal nonsense. But it is, for the moment, a problem. Just how would you address it?

Smith: My grandfather helped Ronald Reagan at a low point in his career.

Ray: You can’t mean Bedtime for Bonzo?

Smith (nods): Reagan worked with a chimp in the movie. The chimp’s contract was renewed. Reagan’s was not.

Ray chuckles. Bob casts a sneer in his direction. Ray’s face goes stoic.

Smith: There’s a scene in the movie where the chimp wanders onto a ledge. Reagan steps out onto the ledge . . . to save the chimp. People in the audience often yelled to Reagan, “Jump! Please jump!”

Bob and Ray lean forward.

Bob: Well . . . did Reagan take the advice?

Smith: It was a movie sir.

Bob and Ray: Oh sorry.

Ray: Well a connection with the Gipper. This is good news indeed.

Ray passes Bob a note. It reads:

Good news: Tell Gonzales he can leave now. We’ve found the perfect man to replace him.

Not so good news: No leads on the missing fifth. Suggest that if the cover story on the missing fifth blows, we blame it on the flappers, ah, some rapper fella or something.

Kudos

To Joe Paterno—the grand old man of college coaches handed down some old-school punishment. Recently a few of his players were involved in a fight. Charges are still pending. Paterno did not look the other way. In this era of spin, he took another tactic. He announced that this season after home games the entire team would clean Beaver Stadium—where Penn State plays its home games.

The 80 year-old said, "We're all going to do it. Everybody. Not just the kids that were involved. 'Cause we're all in it together. This is a team embarrassment."

Sometimes the old school is the best school.


To John Edwards who, during a speech to the Council on Foreign Relations, said, "The war on terror is a slogan designed only for politics, not a strategy to make America safe. It's a bumper sticker, not a plan.” He added, “It has damaged our alliances and weakened our standing in the world."


To Bill Ridhardson for running what is so far the best political advertisement.

Richardson sits before a man interviewing him for a job. The man appears to be looking at a resume and then says:

Mmmm hmmm. Hmmmm …

Ok, 14 years in Congress. U.N. Ambassador. Secretary of Energy. Governor of New
Mexico. Negotiated with dictators in Iraq, North Korea, Cuba, Zaire, Nigeria, Yugoslavia, Kenya … got a ceasefire in Darfur …nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize four times …So … What makes you think you can be president?

His face displaying a playful grin, Richardson then says, “I’m Bill Richardson and I approved this message.”

Line of the Week

While on HBO’s hold-no-punches Real Time with Bill Maher, actor-director Ben Affleck commented on the weepy, maudlin, sappy, overly-emotional, and sappy performance House Minority Leader John Boehner made this week before his colleagues. Affleck said, “I don’t want to judge anyone who’s had bad acting moments.”