Steroids in Baseball, Global Warming, and Iraq

Our neighbors are hosting a foreign exchange student named Suddya. He is from the Ukraine, and he is an unusually bright young man. Occasionally, he wanders by to ask me questions about America. Soon after the Mitchell Report came out on the use of steroids and other unauthorized substances in baseball, Suddya came by.

I opened a few soft drinks, and we sat down.

“In my city, some very . . . how do you say? . . . not good people came into town. Zey had wild parties dat lasted late into da night.”

“Were they political fundraisers?”

“No.”

“Zey stole. Zey cheated.”

“Oh, so you had Hollywood accountants visit the Ukraine?”

“No.”

“Zey did drugs and drank and made much bad news.”

“Brittney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were in the Ukraine.”

“I think they were what you call organized crime, the Mobe.”

“The Mob?”

Suddya smiled at his mistake. Then he nodded. “What you would call a sheriff kicked their cans out of town.”

“You have a very good sheriff.”

“Kicking za tin down za pike.”

“Dis phrase you have in Amerika, Kicking za tin down za pike. ”

“Do you mean, Kicking the can down the road?”

“Yes. Dat is da phrase. It means?”

“It means that we are not solving the problem now. We are waiting until later. We are postponing. We are procrastinating.”

“And for years . . . dis applied to baseball and steroids?”

“Yes. Long before lots of people started asking questions, baseball players started to look like the Michelin Man.”

Suddya had seen a great deal of American television. He knew what the Michelin Man looked like. “So rather dan solve za problems steroids created, rather dan solve dos problems early, baseball vaited til later?”

“Yes. This is what ‘kicking the can down the road’ means.”

“But vaiting to solve da problem later, dat means when [the] problem is addressed, well by then [the] problem is worse.”

“Exactly.”

Suddya asked, “Vhy did baseball vait so long to address [this] problem?”

“A lot of it has to do with money. When baseball players were hitting baseballs as if they were golf balls, lots of people came to see the games.”

“Vat you call revenues, dey went up?”

“Talk of steroids would have lowered revenues.”

Suddya asked, “Von’t revenues be hurt more because of da long wait to solve da problem?”

“Probably.”

“And because da leaders didn’t do anything, din’t za problem . . . become worse?”

“Certainly.”

“I think I don’t understand America bery well.”

“The classic response is that leaders don’t want to make waves. It will damage their credibility.”


“Isn’t vat you call credibility, isn’t dat ruined . . . for not acting sooner?”

“Good point.”

“Won’t the man who runs baseball lose his job?”

“Probably not.”

“Why not?”

“Because the owners like him.”

“But he screwed down.”

“In America we call this screwing up.”

Suddya smiled at his mistake.

“Dis is nonsense.”

“Most look at it this way: If the commissioner of baseball had brought attention to the steroid problem years ago, it would have caused controversy. Attendance would have declined. Baseball’s television ratings would have declined. Owners would have objected. The players union would have objected. A lot of fans would have objected. The commissioner might have lost his job . . . But if he waits til the problem is out in the open, and then he addresses it, he is seen as a problem solver.”

Suddya’s forehead was a sea of wrinkles. “Dis is nonsense. Da problem got much worse. The cost vill be higher. Some players who took steroids vill have shorter lives. Kids who took steroids because their athletic heroes did vill have shorter lives.”

“You are, of course, right.”

Suddya asked, “Aren’t there plenty of vays da head of baseball could have drawn attention to dis problem?”

“Yes. But most would have required the commissioner of baseball to get his hands very dirty.”

“Aren’t dere plenty of vays da commissioner could have drawn attention to the problem vithout getting his feet filthy?”

“The expression is ‘getting your hands dirty.’ And the answer to your question is, ‘Yes’ there are plenty of ways any leader can raise in interest in an issue without getting his hands dirty.”

“In Da Godfather, there vere reporters who wrote vat the Godfather wanted.”

“That is a good point. In America there is no shortage of reporters who will report what almost anyone wants reported.”

“Da movie Amazing Grace recently came out on DVD.”

I nodded.

“In the movie, da prime minister and a man named Wilberforce team up to end da slave trade in England. Wilberforce got his hands dirty, the prime minster, he vorked behind the scenes.”

“You are very smart young man.”

“Certainly da head of baseball knows . . . how do you say?”

“How to finesse a situation like the one he was in?”

Suddya smiled. “Yes. Dat is what I meant.”

“Clearly the commissioner didn’t have the will.”

Not Just Baseball

Suddya started waiving his hands in the air and talking loudly. A television network studio executive could have realized that Suddya was upset. “And it’s not just baseball! Decades ago ve had da greenhouse effect. Only now are ve really beginning to do something about dis global warming.”

I nodded.

Suddya continued, “De other day where I lives, we had to clean up old newspapers and magazines. I played kooky and read a few.”

“Hooky. You played hooky.”

He smiled at his mistake. “I read lots of old stories about za war in Iraq. In Iraq, Bush has done a lot of kicking za tin down za pike.”

I nodded.

“And because of dat da government in Iraq is a mess. And because of dat the police in Iraq are a mess. Dis kicking za tin, it creates big problems, no?”

“Yes, it creates big problems.”

“And da Democrats. Did dey stop Bush from kicking za tin?”

“No.”

“So dis kicking za tin down the pike, it seems to be very American? Yes?”

“Yes. It is very American.”

“I have one more question. In Amerika you call da Mobe—”

“The mob.”

Suddya smiled at his mistake. “In America, you call da Mob, organized crime, yes?”

“This is correct.”

“Well this mistake dat comes from kicking za tin down za pike, dis waiting so long to address steroids in baseball, dis waiting so long to address global warming, dis waiting so long to address da government in Iraq, is dis disorganized crime?”

Line of the Week

“Education is the engine that makes American democracy work. And it has to work, and that means people have to have access.” Harvard’s president, Drew Faust, on the announcement that the university will significantly increase aid to many students.

Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?

Some of my best friends are mystical. They think their dreams tell them deep and pervasive truths. I’m not a mystical person. My dreams usually tell me to stay away from spicy foods. But yesterday I didn’t eat spicy food, and last night I had a very strange dream. I know it was a dream. But it seemed so clear and obvious and true—well, all that made it seem like it wasn’t a dream at all.

In the dream, Bush and Cheney were in the Oval Office. There was large portable cork board in the oval office too. On it pictures Hillary Clinton and Arianna Huffington had been hung with care. Each picture had a thick blue paper frame around it.

During the conversation, Bush threw red darts at the pictures.

My dream had a soundtrack. The Jefferson Airplane sang “Wouldn’t You Love Somebody to Bomb?” They sang it to the tune of their sixties classic, “Somebody to Love.”

My dream started as Bush threw a dart. It barely hit the frame the outlining the picture of Hillary Clinton.

“Hitting the frame counts. Mr. President. Good shot.”

Bush smiled.

“Mr. President. I was sent in to talk with you about the NIE report on Iran.”

As Bush aimed a dart, he said, “I’m listnin.”

The Bad News

“Well the news is not good Mr. President. It’s not good at all. The National intelligence Estimate has issued a new report.”

“So?”

“Well there’s news in it sir.”

“Let’s have it.”

“Well according to the National Intelligence Estimate, Iran closed down its nuclear weapons program four years ago.”

“Who put the report together? Wing nuts and moonbats?”

“That’s a problem Mr. President. Our people put the report together.”

Bush hurled a dart. It flew high and wide to the right. It landed on the large chair that rests behind the desk in the Oval Office.

“Oooops.”

“Don’t worry sir. Our media unit has a great patch kit.”

“You don’t say?”

“Tomorrow you’ll never know there was a hole in that chair.”

“Don’t suppose it has a patch that covers Iraq?”

“No Mr. President. It only works on chairs and couches . . . and things like that.”

As Bush hurled a dart, he said, “I’d like to put a patch over the mouth of—”

The dart hit the picture of Hillary Clinton.

Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Cheney continued, “Mr. President, the NIE report was put together from reports from . . . ahh . . . many of our intelligence gathering services.”

“Our people wrote that report?”

Cheney nodded.

Bush said, “Traitors.”

“I agree Mr. President.”

“Look into it.”

“I’ve just begun to look into it.”

“Good work.”

Bush picked up another dart. “Dem fella’s in Iraq stopped buidlin nukes four years ago?”

“Iran.”

“What?”

“People in Iran stopped building nukes four years ago.”

“Iran, Iraq—whatever—four years ago they stopped building nukelear bombs?”

“That’s right Mr. President.”

“That was before the election.”

“Mr. President your math is improving.”

Red Card

The President smiled. Then he said, “For years now we’ve been goin ballistic about Iran.”

Cheney’s forehead wrinkled. Cheney pulled a red card out of his jacket. He looked at Bush, and in an angry tone said, “Racheting up the rhetoric.”

“Right.” Bush closed his eyes as he said, “Don’t’ say, Goin Ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric. Don’t say, Goin ballistic. Do say, Rachetin up the rhetoric.” Bush opened his eyes. “I got it.”

Cheney smiled and put the red card back in his jacket.

Bush threw a dart. It landed on Hillary Clinton’s face.

Cheney said, “Good shot Mr. President.” Then Cheney said, “The news I just told you about has brought bad news.”

“Let’s have it.”

“Well the Democrat bloggers are having a field day.”

“Bush threw a dart at the picture of Arianna Huffington.” It was wide right.

“Almost Mr. President.”

Bush threw another dart at Huffington’s picture. And then he threw another. The fourth dart hit the paper frame around Huffington’s picture.

“Good shot Mr. President!”

Change in Direction

Bush looked at Cheney. “Well we’ll just have ta find somethin else to get people scared about.”

“That’s a very intelligent comment Mr. President. To me it seems to be a lesson the Democrats never learn. But you’ve got it down pat.”

“Instincts. Always had good instincts.”

“Right Mr. President.”

As Bush aimed another dart, he said, “The Democrats are always scary. Could we try to scare the country about the Democrats? Imagine their idea to bust the budget for health care for kids. What do they think I am? Some kind of a dope? Kids don’t vote. Do they think I’m an idiot?”

“Mr. President, I have a meeting in an hour. It’s about what we should scare people about next sir.”

“Good job.”

“But this NIE report does present problems for us.”

Bush’s throw missed both pictures.

Good ol Days

“Tough shot Mr. President.”

Bush said, “Eisenhower. Eisenhower had it easy.”

“How so Mr. President?”

“It was easy for him to find someone to hate. The Cold War was goin on. And he had that dude—what was his name?”

“Joe McCarthy?”

“Right. Eisenhower had that McCarthy dude scarin every grandmother in the US about communists.”

“Right Mr. President.”

“Ahh, those were the good ol days.”

“Mr. President, obviously we’ll play the fear card.”

“What other card is there?”

“The Iranians are still enriching uranium. Obviously we’ll play the fear card with the enrichment thing.”

Bush nodded as he hurled a dart toward the picture of Hillary Clinton.

Cheney continued, “As opposed to the Bush tax cuts. Those tax cuts are enrichment things that work in a better way.”

They both smiled.

Cheney continued, “At the meeting I spoke about earlier, we’ll look at long term ramifications of this NIE report.”

Cheney’s Plan

Bush said, “So this NIE raport. That basically ends our plans for Iran.”

“Afraid so Mr. President.”

As Bush grabbed a dart, he said, “Your plan to scare the piss outta people about Iran n maybe drop a firecracker or two in their back yard. It was a good plan Dick.”

“Thank you Mr. President.”

“Would a diverted everyone from the election some. Sure as heck woulda stopped people worryin about the dang economy. Would a gone a long way toward helpin the party in November.”

“Bush threw a dart. It missed the picture of Hillary Clinton.”

Bush continued, “But what I really liked about your plan was it woulda allowed us ta do the things we need ta do.”

“You’re right again Mr. President. Sometimes The Constitution does get in the way of what’s right and best for America.”

“Dat’s my point! Dat’s exactly my point. Tha Constitution. In you’re meetin today, find somethin that will let us . . .”

“Bend.”

“Dat’s it. Dat’s exactly it.”

“Find something that will let us bend da Constitution.”

“Right Mr. President.”

Bush threw his last dart. It missed both pictures.

I have a memo here from Karl Rove. Cheney continued. Holding the memo, Cheney said, “Rove suggests you get bigger pictures.”

“Dat Karl. Dat Karl is a good ol boy. He never stops thinkin. Bigger pictures. Ain’t that an idea? Tommorra have someone get bigger pictures for me ta throw darts at.”

“Excellent idea Mr. President.”

“N get me a picture of that Oprera lady.”

“Ms. Winfrey?”

“Dats the one. Dat’s the one. Remember. Find something that will allow us to do the things we have to do to make this country great.”

Cheney nodded. Then he said, “Remember Mr. President. The Constitution is just a piece of paper.”

“That’s my boy Dick. That’s my boy.”


Line of the Week

Following the shooting death of Redskin’s safty Sean Taylor, there was a rush by many to speculate that events from Taylor's checkered past had provoked his attack and later death. Police now say that the assailants were burglars. Writing in Sports Illustrated, Jim Trotter noted, "Didn’t we learn anything from the Duke lacrosse case?"